Adrienne Rich argued in her magnificent meditation on love, refine our truths. But they also, it turns out, refine our immune systems. That’s what pioneering immunologist Esther Sternberg examines in The Balance Within: The Science Connecting Health and Emotions (public library) — a revelatory inquiry into how emotional stress affects our susceptibility to burnout and disease. As just about every socialized human being can attest, interpersonal relationships play a significant role in our experience of stress — either contributing to it and or alleviating it. And the way we connect — something psychologist Barbara Fredrickson has... posted on Mar 2 2020 (6,362 reads)

resource of older adults with the unmet needs of our nation’s youth. I’ve seen intergenerational connection help children learn to read, graduate from high school, and go on to accomplish their dreams. But I’ve only recently come to realize some of the biggest benefits of bringing old and young together. As I recount in my new book,  How to Live Forever: The Enduring Power of Connecting the Generations, when younger and older connect, the intergenerational relationships built are a route to success in early life and a key to happiness and well-being in our later years. The benefits of intergenerational connections Forty years ago, the eminent Corn... posted on Jul 14 2019 (6,934 reads)

actually had no end and didn't lead to more happiness or even a feeling of success as was promised to him. And so, while many of his peers were becoming full-time workaholics, he became a full-time volunteer, and has stayed that way ever since. Nipun was honored an "unsung hero of compassion" by the Dalai Lama, not long before President Obama appointed him to a council for addressing poverty and inequality in the US. He talks frequently on the topic of giftivism, and how relationships in this current economic paradigm have been reduced to a very deadening, singular kind of transaction. His role is to bring an abundant mindset back into our communities, where giving mi... posted on Nov 19 2019 (7,509 reads)

sitters are apparently watching for what they’re looking for before they just start flying around. And in rhesus monkey macaques—Steven Sumi did research on them and he called them “uptight” and “laid back, ” because the uptight ones were more anxious. But he also found that, when you took the uptight ones and gave them to particularly skilled mothers to mother, they became the leaders of the troops. I imagine because they were good at observing the power relationships and the best way to get what they wanted. So I think that brings us to the subject of differential susceptibility, which is that we keep finding with humans—and with animals, to... posted on Nov 17 2020 (9,220 reads)

you grateful for your partner’s household labor? Him: Uh, yeah, I guess so. Q: How do you express it? Him: She just knows. —From a focus group conducted by the authors The division of household labor is one of the most frequent sources of conflict in romantic relationships. As couples researchers Philip and Carolyn Cowan have shown, when partners feel that the division of labor (a combination of housework and paid work) in their relationship is unfair, they are more dissatisfied with their marriage and more likely to think they would be better off divorced. However, even an equitable division of labor may not be enough to ensure that partners are s... posted on Apr 24 2011 (15,244 reads)

permission to stop and connect with that part of themselves that makes them human—a good reminder given that schools are in the business of developing human beings! For a fun and light way to introduce this practice, try playing Holly Near’s Uh Huh (many thanks toPamela Seigle from Open Circle and Leading Together for introducing me to this song). If you want to build trust and collegial support, you might try… Active Listening. Scientists have found thatstrong relationships are key to a healthy school environment—and it’s not just the teachers who need to feel supported. For example, one study found that the principals who had the highest levels... posted on Nov 11 2015 (13,638 reads)

empathize with these students: I graduated from a large, traditional public high school where I remember feeling painfully bored and tired, and constantly looking at the clock. My intellectual passions seemed strangely divorced from my time in the classroom. I was good at memorizing facts for 24 hours and filling out scantron tests, but the work felt meaningless to me. On top of not developing a love of learning, I was certainly not learning much about life outside of school. I had few real relationships with my teachers. When it came time to think about college, I felt very intense pressure to go to a “good school,” but I did not understand why that was so important. My only... posted on Feb 1 2016 (11,014 reads)

thought—that we tend towards negative thinking. It could be that there's like a layer of self-reprimand a lot in our speech. It could be that we use mixed messages a lot. We're a little bit maybe anxious to say something really straightforward like for fear of how the other person's going to respond. And you might say just the negative patterning is also something that gets laid down really early. It has enormous impacts on our well-being later on in life. It affects our relationships. It affects how we see ourselves in the world. And so, in order to change our communication style, we actually have to become aware of those patterns. When we talk about mindful commu... posted on Oct 29 2017 (14,902 reads)

empathize with these students: I graduated from a large, traditional public high school where I remember feeling painfully bored and tired, and constantly looking at the clock. My intellectual passions seemed strangely divorced from my time in the classroom. I was good at memorizing facts for 24 hours and filling out scantron tests, but the work felt meaningless to me. On top of not developing a love of learning, I was certainly not learning much about life outside of school. I had few real relationships with my teachers. When it came time to think about college, I felt very intense pressure to go to a “good school,” but I did not understand why that was so important. My only... posted on Dec 12 2017 (46,707 reads)

approaches. In recent surveys, CEOS report that up to 75% of their organizational change efforts do not yield the promised results. These change efforts fail to produce what had been hoped for, yet always produce a stream of unintended and unhelpful consequences. Leaders end up managing the impact of unwanted effects rather than the planned results that didn't materialize. Instead of enjoying the fruits of a redesigned production unit, the leader must manage the hostility and broken relationships created by the redesign. Instead of glorying in the new efficiencies produced by restructuring, the leader must face a burned out and demoralized group of survivors. Instead of basking i... posted on Apr 11 2018 (13,710 reads)

trick to being a happier worker, though, doesn’t necessarily lie in earning more money or getting more “goodies” at work, says McKee, but in making sure that three basic human needs are met on the job: Meaning or purpose: the feeling that our work matters and is aligned with our personal values; Hope or optimism: the sense that our future can improve if we just understand our needs better and create a plan for ourselves; Friendships or positive relationships: connection to others, which matters as much to our happiness as other aspects of our job. As purpose, optimism, and positive relationships have all been ti... posted on Apr 28 2018 (59,433 reads)

not only changes your life, but also extends beyond your intimate sphere. It gives rise to compassion, kindness, forgiveness, and empathy, and thus informs how we treat others and how we act in the larger world. ~ Kristi Nelson The benefits of gratitude range from deeper sleep and better health to higher self-esteem and enhanced stress resilience. Gratitude has also been shown to enhance our relationships. And, if that’s not enough, gratitude makes us happier. As Brother David Steindl-Rast writes, “The root of joy is gratefulness … For it is not joy that makes us grateful; it is gratitude that makes us joyful.” Kripalu p... posted on Oct 17 2018 (22,314 reads)

part of the day in prayer and contemplation; then part of the day helping the sick and dying. That combination was powerful. Then, my therapist Jim Bugental, opened a universe through me as I have described. There have been a variety of other teachers.  The first one was Ram Dass. Then a variety of other teachers from other traditions: Jack Kornfield from Buddhism, Thomas Keating in Christianity; A Course in Miracles.  A Course in Miracles is very explicit on using community and relationships as one's practice.   My wife and I practiced the Course together and wrote the book I mentioned:  Accept This Gift - Selections from A Course in Miracles.   ... posted on Jan 17 2019 (6,178 reads)

you’re trying to become happier, you’ve probably heard the advice to practice gratitude. “Gratitude is literally one of the few things that can measurably change people’s lives,” writes pioneering researcher Robert Emmons in his book Thanks! His studies suggest that gratitude can improve our health and relationships—making it one of the most well-studied and effective ways to increase our well-being in life. But prescribing gratitude to everyone is a problem: Most of what we know about it comes from studying Americans—and, specifically, the mainly white American college students from the campuses where researchers work. That crea... posted on Aug 11 2019 (9,841 reads)

Accountability for Social Change is a monthly series on Giving Compass exploring feedback in philanthropy with practical steps for donors. It serves as a primer for the 2020 publication of David Bonbright’s (co-founder and chief executive, Keystone Accountability) book on the emergence of mutuality — working on relationships and not just in them — as a breakthrough approach to philanthropy and social change. The stories and advice are based on a 40-year journey to mutuality craft. Part Five of this series has been syndicated below. As one of the world’s most famous moral leaders, Nelson Mandela’s larger-than-life struggle against aparth... posted on Nov 8 2019 (4,449 reads)

of whack-a-mole, where you're constantly trying to hit a different mole that's popping up and another one comes up and you just can't win. The more we look at it we see that these are all outward manifestations of our inner state and I think it all comes down to connection. The first connection with our own body, mind, spirit, and when we find peace and unconditional love and we find harmony in these spaces, we're able to bring that into the world, and that manifests in our relationships, all of our relationships. Our relationships with our loved ones, with our community, and the broader extensions, a layer of the onion outside of what we might consider as our immediate ... posted on Dec 5 2019 (4,791 reads)

tend to be the most challenging arena for spiritually-oriented people. We may be fine reading our spiritual books and being on retreat but what happens when we deal with a friend, partner, or family member with whom we are in conflict? Inner peace can fly out the window in the blink of an eye followed by days of inner turmoil. As a result, we may want to avoid the messy business of relationships and hole up in a monastery for awhile. We can approach human relationships as a catalyst rather than an obstacle to spiritual growth. Relationships are where the rubber hits the road, where residues of the separate-inside-self, large or small, get exposed and worked through. It is th... posted on Jul 4 2020 (6,264 reads)

also makes us happier and healthier too. Giving also creates stronger connections between people and helps to build a happier society for everyone. And it's not all about money - we can also give our time, ideas and energy. So if you want to feel good, do good!    Q: What do you do to help others?    2. RELATING: Connect with people   Relationships are the most important overall contributor to happiness. People with strong and broad social relationships are happier, healthier and live longer. Close relationships with family and friends provide love, meaning, support and increase our feelings of self worth. Broader networks bring a sense... posted on Apr 14 2012 (91,472 reads)

over several days, but I noticed that, as the hours went by, the crowds were shrinking in these brilliant lectures. I walked out, and I felt deflated, like the proverbial ton of bricks had just hit me. As I went home to Boston, I said, "Wait a minute. This can't work." I was reacting to the framing of the messages. They seemed still locked in the mechanical, quantitative frame, and thus not really reflecting ecological truths, which for me means focusing on the quality of relationships. It occurred to me that a lot of today's dominant messages — some that are part of the environmental movement and others that seem to just float through our culture — are... posted on Jan 13 2014 (26,445 reads)

and a meaningful life have some differences,” says Roy Baumeister, a Francis Eppes Professor of Psychology at Florida State University. He bases that claim on a paper he published last year in the Journal of Positive Psychology, co-authored with researchers at the University of Minnesota and Stanford. Baumeister and his colleagues surveyed 397 adults, looking for correlations between their levels of happiness, meaning, and various other aspects of their lives: their behavior, moods, relationships, health, stress levels, work lives, creative pursuits, and more. They found that a meaningful life and a happy life often go hand-in-hand—but not always. And they were curious t... posted on Mar 28 2014 (34,646 reads)