늦었어요. 아내 엘리너와 저는 특정 장소에서 만나기로 했거든요. 
7시에 레스토랑에 가기로 했는데 이미 7시 30분이었어요. 고객 미팅이 길어지는 바람에 서둘러 저녁 식사 장소로 가야 했기 때문이죠.
레스토랑에 도착해서 늦었다고 사과하고, 늦을 의도는 아니었다고 말했습니다.
그녀는 "늦는 건 절대 고의가 아니잖아요."라고 대답했다. 이런, 그녀가 화가 났구나.
"미안하지만 어쩔 수 없었어." 나는 반박하며 고객 미팅에 대해 설명했다. 내 설명은 그녀를 달래기는커녕 오히려 상황을 악화시키는 것 같았다. 그 모습에 나는 화가 나기 시작했다.
그날 저녁 식사는 우리 최고의 식사는 아니었어요.
몇 주 후, 가족 치료학 교수인 친구 켄 하디에게 그 상황을 설명했을 때, 그는 미소를 지었다.
"당신은 흔히 저지르는 실수를 했어요."라고 그가 내게 말했다.
“저요? 제가 실수했다고요?” 반쯤은 농담이었어요.
"네. 그리고 방금 또 그러셨군요." 그가 말했다. "당신은 '늦을 의도는 없었다'는 생각에 갇혀 있어요. 하지만 그게 중요한 게 아니에요. 중요한 건 당신이 늦었다는 사실이죠. 중요한 건, 그리고 당신이 소통할 때 가장 중요하게 다뤄야 할 건, 당신의 지각이 엘리너에게 어떤 영향을 미쳤는지입니다."
다시 말해, 저는 제 의도에 집중했고 엘리너는 결과에 집중했습니다. 우리는 서로 다른 대화를 나누고 있었던 거죠. 결국, 우리 둘 다 인정받지 못하고 오해받았다는 느낌에 화가 났습니다.
켄의 말을 곱씹어볼수록, 의도와 결과 사이의 갈등이야말로 수많은 인간관계 불화의 근본 원인이라는 것을 깨달았습니다.
알고 보니 중요한 건 생각이나 행동이 아닙니다. 상대방은 당신의 생각이나 행동을 직접 경험하는 것이 아니라, 행동의 결과를 경험하기 때문입니다.
또 다른 예를 들어보겠습니다. 동료에게 회의에서 더 적극적으로 의견을 제시했으면 좋았을 거라고 생각한다는 내용의 이메일을 보냅니다.
그는 이메일에 "당신이 말을 좀 덜 했다면, 제가 뭔가 말할 기회가 있었을지도 모르죠!"라고 답장했습니다.
그건 분명 당신을 불쾌하게 했을 겁니다. 그럼에도 불구하고, 당신은 첫 번째 이메일을 해명하려는 듯 "기분 나쁘게 하려던 건 아니었어요. 도와드리려고 했던 것뿐입니다."라고 또 다른 이메일을 보냅니다. 그리고 그의 공격적인 반응에 대한 실망감을 덧붙일 수도 있겠죠.
하지만 그렇다고 상황이 나아지는 건 아니죠. 그는 당신이 처음 보낸 이메일의 표현을 그대로 인용하며 묻습니다. "어떻게 들리는지 모르겠어요?" 그러자 당신은 대문자로 "하지만 제가 의도한 건 그게 아니었어요!"라고 답장을 보냅니다.
그렇다면 이런 악순환에서 어떻게 벗어날 수 있을까요?
사실 놀라울 정도로 간단합니다. 누군가를 불쾌하게 하는 행동을 했을 때, 누가 옳든 그르든 상관없이, 항상 먼저 자신의 행동이 상대방에게 어떤 영향을 미쳤는지 인정하는 것으로 대화를 시작하세요. 자신의 의도에 대한 이야기는 나중으로 미루세요. 훨씬 나중으로, 어쩌면 영원히 하지 않아도 될지도 모릅니다. 결국, 의도는 그다지 중요하지 않으니까요.
상대방의 감정이 옳지 않거나 정당하지 않다고 생각되면 어떻게 해야 할까요? 괜찮습니다. 당신의 목표는 동의를 얻는 것이 아니라 이해를 얻는 것이기 때문입니다.
나는 엘리너에게 뭐라고 말했어야 했을까?
"화나신 것 같네요. 30분이나 기다리셨으니 얼마나 답답하셨겠어요. 이런 일이 처음도 아니고요. 그리고 제가 고객과 함께 있다는 이유로 늦어도 괜찮다고 생각하는 것처럼 보였을 수도 있다는 것도 이해합니다. 이렇게 오래 기다리시게 해서 정말 죄송합니다."
그 모든 말이 맞습니다. 당신의 역할은 상대방의 현실을 인정하는 것이며, 이는 관계를 유지하는 데 매우 중요합니다. 켄이 제게 설명했듯이, "만약 누군가의 현실이 부정된다면, 그 사람이 관계를 유지할 동기가 무엇이 있겠습니까?"
앞서 설명한 이메일 교환에서, 당신의 의도를 명확히 하기보다는 다음과 같이 쓰는 것을 고려해 보세요: "제가 당신의 업무 수행에 대해, 특히 이메일을 통해 비판하는 것이 당신에게 불쾌하게 느껴질 수 있다는 점을 이해합니다. 회의에서 보여주신 당신의 노력을 비판적이고 폄하하는 것처럼 들릴 수도 있다는 점을 이해합니다."
간단하다고는 했지만 쉽다고는 안 했어요.
가장 힘든 부분은 감정적인 저항입니다. 우리는 자신의 어려움에 너무 집중한 나머지 타인의 어려움을 인정하기 어려워합니다. 특히 우리가 그들의 어려움이고 그들이 우리의 어려움일 때, 그들이 우리에게 화를 낼 때, 우리가 오해받고 있다고 느낄 때 더욱 그렇습니다. 그런 순간, 그들의 비판에 공감하려 들면 마치 스스로를 배신하는 듯한 기분이 듭니다.
하지만 우리는 그렇지 않아요. 우리는 단지 공감하는 것뿐이에요.
좀 더 쉽게 대처할 수 있는 요령을 알려드릴게요. 상대방이 당신에게 화를 낼 때, 그 대신 다른 누군가에게 화를 내고 있다고 상상해 보세요. 그리고 그 상황에서 어떻게 반응할지 생각해 보세요. 아마도 상대방의 말을 경청하고 그들이 얼마나 화가 났는지 이해한다고 말해줄 거예요.
만약 의도를 설명할 기회가 전혀 없다면 어떻게 될까요? 제가 실제로 경험한 바에 따르면, 그리고 이는 저에게도 놀라운 사실이었는데, 결과에 대한 제 이해를 표현하고 나면 의도를 정당화해야 할 필요성이 사라진다는 것입니다.
제가 애초에 제 의도를 설명하는 이유는 관계를 회복하기 위해서입니다. 하지만 저는 이미 상대방의 경험에 공감함으로써 관계 회복을 이뤘다고 생각합니다. 그 시점쯤 되면 보통 우리 둘 다 다음 단계로 나아갈 준비가 되어 있죠.
그래도 여전히 그런 필요성을 느끼신다면, 상대방이 자신을 이해하고 공감해 준다고 느낄 때 비로소 기회가 생길 거예요.
우리가 이 모든 것을 잘 해낸다면, 관계뿐 아니라 다른 것도 개선되는 것을 종종 발견하게 될 것입니다. 바로 우리의 행동입니다.
엘리너와 마지막 대화를 나눈 후, 그리고 내가 지각하는 것이 그녀에게 어떤 영향을 미치는지 진정으로 이해하게 된 후, 어떻게 된 일인지 모르겠지만, 그 이후로 훨씬 더 자주 제시간에 도착하게 되었습니다.
COMMUNITY REFLECTIONS
SHARE YOUR REFLECTION
24 PAST RESPONSES
Hang on.....We all have the same right to respect in our communication with others. Why should one person display understanding but decide to forgo their own need to be understood. I have no problem aknowledging the other persons reality but if they cannot aknowledge mine how is the 'relationship' any better. One person is still not being considered even if pne is happy. Thats not 2 people communicating effectively and communication . understanding and respect should be acceptable to both parties if its a good relationship. Whyvshpuld one persons rights be seen as unimportant.
The purpose that this article suggests is that crating a positive caring relationship is the most important goal. We don't get to choose what others feel, that is their reality and not for us to disagree with or judge. We get to choose how we will respond. Will it be with empathy and compassion or with defensiveness and/or counter attack?
A wonderful book that teaches more of these beautiful communication/relationship skills is Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life (also known as compassionate communication) by Marshall Rosenberg. I highly recommend it to all who are interested in communicating with honesty and listening with empathy (both with others and with yourself).
Explain the fact that had happened,try to convey the message when they are cool,forget the incident immediately and behave as a friend,never to remember the incident again.avoid it.it should not reoccur
I like the idea here of intentions versus consequences. I never looked at it that way. Very useful.
So, to summarize, it's simple but not easy: Start with "I'm sorry. That was my fault" (your feeling). Mean it! Then empathize with the other persons's feeling and situation. Do it authentically, don't extend it so it sounds manipulative. If he/she is ready to shift from emotion/threat response to content/facts, briefly explain what happened. It's important to understand if you've been just sloppy with your time management or anything else was more important, OR you had an important client meeting that unexpectedly lasted longer than planned. Later, show what you've learned and what you will do differently next time. And learn!
I disagree! The article may allow to diffuse the problem once, but this doesn't work for long-term. I agree that it is good idea to acknowledge their frustrations; this would calm the situation a bit and probably allow them to listen to a logically explanation. I think justifying our situation/logic is necessary. Frankly, the person (esp. women) will not forget this current situation regardless of you allowing to diffuse the problem by giving them priority. Next time, these situations will only make things worse; you will be blamed for making excuses at 'all the time', and the person may not even hear you at all this time. They make walk over you and berate you. Imagine being a woman, this may end up developing inferiority complex to sexual abuse to violence to suicide.
I must also say once a while compromises to your explanation to less volatile situations is very much necessary and worthy to save and even repair the relationship.
Overall, every relationship necessitates 'mutual understanding' that requires the clear truth. If only one person is willing to understand, others not...this won't last long.
Nonetheless, this article gave me another perspective of intention vs. consequences. Thank you!
[Hide Full Comment]Nice article, great ideas. I can see how emphasizing with someone you've hurt or offended would definitely defuse the situation. Its hard to be mad when someone really understands how they have offended you and says so. Thats how good friendships are made. Most people would just keep defending themselves, leaving the other person to deal with the offense on their own. Again, GREAT article! I'll remember it and try it out next time this situation comes up.
Wooow now I sure understand what i did wrong.
Too bad i'ts only way to late :(
I have a totally different interpretation of the thesis as suggested of how to deal with wrongly mean-spirited attitudes and actions by another person. I've been involved in similar but different situations where the other person is functionally superior or equal (a manager / a bully) who has no intent of understanding a reasonable cause for my failure to perform to his/her expectations, i.e., not be late due to a client meeting, but simply uses the advantage of finding me wrong to exert or enhance his/her authority to continue their agenda of harassment.
I disagree that I should roll "belly-up" and accept blame and allow the unreasonable bully more ammunition to generate their own anger and berate me now and again in the future. Bottom-line: if the other person is so unreasonable as to not accept a logical cause for a situation that is in no manner my fault, they will continue to make my life hell (as I once allowed to happen, but never again...) Therefore it is time to have a closed-door heart-to-heart with the harassing person - - - after evaluating my options (Ethics Board, lawyer, job change, fist in their gut, retirement, etc.).
In no case, allow the actions/attitude by the harassing person to continue un-checked. If you are not at fault, your apologizing will not 'make it better' - the situation will only worsen. Relations with bullys and other unreasonable persons cannot be improved with apologies, they feed their sickness on the weakness of others. Life is too short and of too much value to be treated as a doormat.
[Hide Full Comment]If I had been sitting and waiting and someone told me “I see you’re angry. You’ve been sitting here for 30 minutes and that’s
got to be frustrating. And it’s not the first time. Also, I can see how
it seems like I think being with a client gives me permission to be
late. I’m sorry you had to sit here waiting for so long.” I think I would have gotten up and walked out! The first thing he should have said was "I'm sorry!"
The whole validation thing just always seems to come off as a way for the offender to cover their own butt instead of owning up to an error. And if this is a recurring offense, the words are worth even less.
This reminds me of an incident recently. I was struggling with my work/job and was ranting about wanted to quit/resign with my husband. He went on and told me that i'm not getting younger and it won't be easy to get a job if i were quit and our finances will be affected if i stopped working etc etc. it didn't help.
I told him I don't need him to tell me all these but his response was "then what for do you need to complain about it if you're not expecting my advice?" he went on saying he was 'trying to help' by giving advices and I was being stubborn not to listen to him. But he was insistent, "You're describing a problem and I'm analyzing it logically for you." Then I told him, "If i can't even tell you my troubles to seek comfort & support from you, we shouldn't even be having this conversation. I only need you to tell me that everything it's going to be ok and you're here with me. Your empathy works better than your advice."
You were at a meeting with a client. What the hell are you supposed to
do, tell the client "hey I gotta cut this short, hope you buy from me
anyway!" and run out the door?
It's clearly your fault that you
were late. I'll explain why, but not before establishing that a little
of the blame is on her hands too - she should be mature enough to
realize that avoiding the situation I just described is more important
than being on time for a family dinner. You start blowing off clients,
and your professional life is going to go down the crapper - then you
won't be able to pay the bills or take care of the kids and that's MUCH
worse than being late for some dinners.
That said, your being
late is your fault and you could have (and should have) avoided it. I'm
seeing two weak points in your skill set that caused this: complete lack
of planning skills, and lack of good salesmanship.
Your mistake
in planning / scheduling was that you didn't include enough buffer time
in between the meeting and the dinner. That's a big no-no: don't ever
plan your schedule in an optimistic manner. Keep blank spaces in your
day planner or suffer the consequences. You can always fill in the
blanks on-the-fly, but you cannot simply wave your arms and create more
time when you need it.
Your second mistake - the lack of
salesmanship one - involves not being open with your client. You should
have told your client, from the moment that you knew about it, that you
had a dinner with your wife at 7. There can be nothing negative that
comes from this: it makes your client realize that you're a good
wholesome family man, and also gives you a way to put time pressure on
the client during the meeting.
Every businessperson should know
that having the option of putting some pressure on a client - especially
"deadline" pressure such as this where you're reminding them that you
have a firm end time for the meeting - can speed up the whole process of
making a deal.
In short you need to man up, reign in your schedule, and start being more open with your business contacts.
[Hide Full Comment]Not to make this a gender issue, but it is interesting to note that the way the author suggests approaching these sorts of conflicts is a very traditionally feminine one--to empathize with and acknowledge/validate the feelings of the other person-- rather than the traditionally masculine approach of insisting on asserting one's ego to dominate the situation and/or "win" the argument . It is refreshing and hope-generating that this author presents a model for unifying two conflicting parties, rather than furthering duality and separateness by conquering. The fact that this article originally appeared in the Harvard Business Review gives one hope that real communication and cooperation skills can be taught on a large scale and on the corporate level. Let's see more of this in our world!
You make some good points, but I don't think that just because you're mad you have a blank check to disregard the other person's perspective. It does matter what someone's intention was, and it does matter what they actually did or did not do. Both parties have to be willing to open up and see it from the other side.
Very valuable. Thank you.
...Coool..., Wow.., this is soo valuable. "Intention vs. Consequences".., I am STILL living with the consequences, and noone ever did seem to care as much about my "intentions" as I did..(?!) This has always been a problem for me. It's scary to realize that I don't know what I don't know... Bless those who have gone before... "Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we might oft win by fearing to attempt." - W.Shakespeare
Do we want to be right or do we want to be loving? Doesn't it usually boil down to that? You have shared some great wisdom and advice here. Thank you. It's so easy for a person to simply get stuck in an automatic defense mode. I've learned that starting with "My bad. So sorry!" can make for much happier relationships.
This, really, is radiant and powerful. To realize that there are sores and wounds and painful parts is much more important than giving an explanation about intentions. Thank you, have shared on Facebook.
This is a very important article. So often in conflict we get caught up in maintaining our position and we fail to see how standing our ground--especially if we've hurt another--only serves to continue to frustrate, and more importantly, invalidate them. I've ended a long term friendship with a person who repeatedly exhibited a failure to understand how her negative and thoughtless behaviors impacted our relationship. She refused to acknowledge that she was ever capable of doing anything inconsiderate or hurtful and that refusal cost her a great friend. None of us are perfect and it takes a big heart and a kind soul to stop and think about how our behavior impacts others.
Many Buddhist monasteries maintain total silence with only a half hour break every day. During this half hour, many monks can be seen beating themselves while conversing with their fellow monks. The reason is that monks are reminded to hurt themselves instead of hurting their neighbor by their words.
Love this perspective...thank you...
Thank you for sharing . Lot's of learning .
It is so simple and so hard. When get outside of ourselves and our own desires, to see, hear and feel the other, the person before us, we can respond to the moment, the situation at hand. If the intention is to connect, then we need to see the person before us.
Yet most of us grow up learning to assert ourselves as right. I learned this in working with very young children, toddlers who tend to grab from each other. When I, as the adult simply state what is going on. "Susie has it and Sarah is pulling on it" rather than "she had it first or it's her turn", it seems to me as observer, that a release takes place, the struggle is seen and the children stop pulling and work it out once they are both seen in their struggle. It is the recognition of the other that shifts the situation from conflict to connection.
Your struggle is to get their on time. Her struggle is to wait once again.
When you can see that she too is struggling and it may be hard to repeatedly wait for another person, particularly the one you are married to, then you can address her feelings and her struggle by acknowledging them.
[Hide Full Comment]