我迟到了。我和妻子埃莉诺约好在……见面。 
餐厅七点钟的约定时间到了，已经七点半了。我有个很好的借口——客户会议超时了——于是我抓紧时间，以最快的速度赶到餐厅吃饭。
我到达餐厅后，向她道歉并告诉她我不是故意迟到的。
她回答说：“你从来不是故意迟到的。” 糟糕，她生气了。
“对不起，”我反驳道，“但这是没办法避免的。”我告诉她关于客户会议的事。我的解释不仅没有让她平静下来，反而似乎让情况变得更糟。这让我开始生气。
那顿晚餐做得并不尽如人意。
几周后，当我向我的朋友肯·哈迪（一位家庭治疗学教授）描述这种情况时，他笑了。
“你犯了一个典型的错误，”他告诉我。
“我？我犯了错？”我这话半开玩笑。
“是的，你又迟到了，”他说。“你一直固执己见：你不是故意迟到的。但这并不是重点。重点是你迟到了。重点——也是你们沟通中最重要的部分——是你的迟到对埃莉诺造成了什么影响。”
换句话说，我关注的是我的意图，而埃莉诺关注的是后果。我们俩的对话完全不同。最终，我们都感到不被认可、不被理解，并且很生气。
我越思考肯所说的话，就越意识到，这种意图与后果之间的冲突，正是许多人际不和的根源。
事实证明，重要的既不是你的想法，也不是你的行动。这是因为对方无法体验你的想法或行动本身，他们体验的是你的行动所带来的后果。
再举一个例子：你给一位同事发了一封电子邮件，告诉他你认为他在会议上本可以更积极地发言。
他回复邮件说：“如果你少说点话，也许我就有机会说点什么了！”
这显然让你很不高兴。尽管如此，你还是发了另一封邮件试图澄清第一封邮件：“我无意冒犯，我只是想帮忙。” 然后，你或许还会对他的回复过于咄咄逼人表示不满。
但这并没有让事情好转。他引用了你第一封回复邮件中的措辞。“你难道看不出这话是什么意思吗？”他问。“但我的意思根本不是那样！”你用大写字母回复道。
那么，如何才能摆脱这种恶性循环呢？
其实方法非常简单。当你做了让别人不高兴的事——无论谁对谁错——首先要承认你的行为对对方造成了影响。至于你的动机，留到以后再说。最好是很久以后。甚至永远都不要说。因为归根结底，你的动机其实并不重要。
如果你认为对方的感受是错误的——或者说没有道理的——那又怎样呢？这都没关系。因为你追求的不是认同，而是理解。
我应该对埃莉诺说什么？
“我知道你很生气。你已经在这里坐了30分钟了，这肯定让你很恼火。而且这也不是第一次了。另外，我明白你可能觉得我觉得接待客户就给了我迟到的理由。很抱歉让你在这里等了这么久。”
这一切都是真的。你的任务是承认他们的现实——这对于维持关系至关重要。正如肯跟我解释的那样：“如果一个人眼中的现实被否定，他们还有什么动力继续维持这段关系呢？”
在我之前描述的邮件往来中，与其解释你的意思，不如考虑这样写：“我明白我批评你的表现——尤其是通过电子邮件——让你感觉很不舒服。听起来像是在批评你，甚至可能对你在会议上的努力不屑一顾。”
我说这很简单，但我没说这很容易。
最难的是我们的情感抗拒。我们太专注于自身的挑战，以至于常常难以正视他人的挑战。尤其当我们是他们的挑战，而他们也是我们的挑战时。尤其当他们愤怒地向我们发泄时。尤其当我们感到不被理解时。在那一刻，当我们对他们以及他们对我们行为的批评表示同情时，我们几乎感觉像是在背叛自己。
但我们并非如此。我们只是在表示同情。
这里有个小技巧，能让事情变得更容易。当他们对你生气时，试着想象他们是在生别人的气。然后像在那种情况下你会怎么做。你可能会倾听，并让他们知道你理解他们的愤怒。
如果你根本没有机会解释你的意图呢？我在实践中发现——这让我很惊讶——一旦我表达了我对后果的理解，我就不需要再去证明我的意图了。
那是因为我一开始解释我的意图，就是为了修复这段关系。但我已经通过理解他们的感受做到了这一点。到了那个时候，我们通常都准备好继续前进了。
如果你仍然觉得有必要呢？一旦对方感到被关注、被倾听和被理解，你仍然有机会。
如果我们成功地做好这一切，我们通常会发现，除了人际关系之外，其他方面也会得到改善：我们的行为。
在与埃莉诺进行了最后一次谈话之后——在真正理解了我迟到对她造成的后果之后——不知何故，我设法更加经常准时了。
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Hang on.....We all have the same right to respect in our communication with others. Why should one person display understanding but decide to forgo their own need to be understood. I have no problem aknowledging the other persons reality but if they cannot aknowledge mine how is the 'relationship' any better. One person is still not being considered even if pne is happy. Thats not 2 people communicating effectively and communication . understanding and respect should be acceptable to both parties if its a good relationship. Whyvshpuld one persons rights be seen as unimportant.
The purpose that this article suggests is that crating a positive caring relationship is the most important goal. We don't get to choose what others feel, that is their reality and not for us to disagree with or judge. We get to choose how we will respond. Will it be with empathy and compassion or with defensiveness and/or counter attack?
A wonderful book that teaches more of these beautiful communication/relationship skills is Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life (also known as compassionate communication) by Marshall Rosenberg. I highly recommend it to all who are interested in communicating with honesty and listening with empathy (both with others and with yourself).
Explain the fact that had happened,try to convey the message when they are cool,forget the incident immediately and behave as a friend,never to remember the incident again.avoid it.it should not reoccur
I like the idea here of intentions versus consequences. I never looked at it that way. Very useful.
So, to summarize, it's simple but not easy: Start with "I'm sorry. That was my fault" (your feeling). Mean it! Then empathize with the other persons's feeling and situation. Do it authentically, don't extend it so it sounds manipulative. If he/she is ready to shift from emotion/threat response to content/facts, briefly explain what happened. It's important to understand if you've been just sloppy with your time management or anything else was more important, OR you had an important client meeting that unexpectedly lasted longer than planned. Later, show what you've learned and what you will do differently next time. And learn!
I disagree! The article may allow to diffuse the problem once, but this doesn't work for long-term. I agree that it is good idea to acknowledge their frustrations; this would calm the situation a bit and probably allow them to listen to a logically explanation. I think justifying our situation/logic is necessary. Frankly, the person (esp. women) will not forget this current situation regardless of you allowing to diffuse the problem by giving them priority. Next time, these situations will only make things worse; you will be blamed for making excuses at 'all the time', and the person may not even hear you at all this time. They make walk over you and berate you. Imagine being a woman, this may end up developing inferiority complex to sexual abuse to violence to suicide.
I must also say once a while compromises to your explanation to less volatile situations is very much necessary and worthy to save and even repair the relationship.
Overall, every relationship necessitates 'mutual understanding' that requires the clear truth. If only one person is willing to understand, others not...this won't last long.
Nonetheless, this article gave me another perspective of intention vs. consequences. Thank you!
[Hide Full Comment]Nice article, great ideas. I can see how emphasizing with someone you've hurt or offended would definitely defuse the situation. Its hard to be mad when someone really understands how they have offended you and says so. Thats how good friendships are made. Most people would just keep defending themselves, leaving the other person to deal with the offense on their own. Again, GREAT article! I'll remember it and try it out next time this situation comes up.
Wooow now I sure understand what i did wrong.
Too bad i'ts only way to late :(
I have a totally different interpretation of the thesis as suggested of how to deal with wrongly mean-spirited attitudes and actions by another person. I've been involved in similar but different situations where the other person is functionally superior or equal (a manager / a bully) who has no intent of understanding a reasonable cause for my failure to perform to his/her expectations, i.e., not be late due to a client meeting, but simply uses the advantage of finding me wrong to exert or enhance his/her authority to continue their agenda of harassment.
I disagree that I should roll "belly-up" and accept blame and allow the unreasonable bully more ammunition to generate their own anger and berate me now and again in the future. Bottom-line: if the other person is so unreasonable as to not accept a logical cause for a situation that is in no manner my fault, they will continue to make my life hell (as I once allowed to happen, but never again...) Therefore it is time to have a closed-door heart-to-heart with the harassing person - - - after evaluating my options (Ethics Board, lawyer, job change, fist in their gut, retirement, etc.).
In no case, allow the actions/attitude by the harassing person to continue un-checked. If you are not at fault, your apologizing will not 'make it better' - the situation will only worsen. Relations with bullys and other unreasonable persons cannot be improved with apologies, they feed their sickness on the weakness of others. Life is too short and of too much value to be treated as a doormat.
[Hide Full Comment]If I had been sitting and waiting and someone told me “I see you’re angry. You’ve been sitting here for 30 minutes and that’s
got to be frustrating. And it’s not the first time. Also, I can see how
it seems like I think being with a client gives me permission to be
late. I’m sorry you had to sit here waiting for so long.” I think I would have gotten up and walked out! The first thing he should have said was "I'm sorry!"
The whole validation thing just always seems to come off as a way for the offender to cover their own butt instead of owning up to an error. And if this is a recurring offense, the words are worth even less.
This reminds me of an incident recently. I was struggling with my work/job and was ranting about wanted to quit/resign with my husband. He went on and told me that i'm not getting younger and it won't be easy to get a job if i were quit and our finances will be affected if i stopped working etc etc. it didn't help.
I told him I don't need him to tell me all these but his response was "then what for do you need to complain about it if you're not expecting my advice?" he went on saying he was 'trying to help' by giving advices and I was being stubborn not to listen to him. But he was insistent, "You're describing a problem and I'm analyzing it logically for you." Then I told him, "If i can't even tell you my troubles to seek comfort & support from you, we shouldn't even be having this conversation. I only need you to tell me that everything it's going to be ok and you're here with me. Your empathy works better than your advice."
You were at a meeting with a client. What the hell are you supposed to
do, tell the client "hey I gotta cut this short, hope you buy from me
anyway!" and run out the door?
It's clearly your fault that you
were late. I'll explain why, but not before establishing that a little
of the blame is on her hands too - she should be mature enough to
realize that avoiding the situation I just described is more important
than being on time for a family dinner. You start blowing off clients,
and your professional life is going to go down the crapper - then you
won't be able to pay the bills or take care of the kids and that's MUCH
worse than being late for some dinners.
That said, your being
late is your fault and you could have (and should have) avoided it. I'm
seeing two weak points in your skill set that caused this: complete lack
of planning skills, and lack of good salesmanship.
Your mistake
in planning / scheduling was that you didn't include enough buffer time
in between the meeting and the dinner. That's a big no-no: don't ever
plan your schedule in an optimistic manner. Keep blank spaces in your
day planner or suffer the consequences. You can always fill in the
blanks on-the-fly, but you cannot simply wave your arms and create more
time when you need it.
Your second mistake - the lack of
salesmanship one - involves not being open with your client. You should
have told your client, from the moment that you knew about it, that you
had a dinner with your wife at 7. There can be nothing negative that
comes from this: it makes your client realize that you're a good
wholesome family man, and also gives you a way to put time pressure on
the client during the meeting.
Every businessperson should know
that having the option of putting some pressure on a client - especially
"deadline" pressure such as this where you're reminding them that you
have a firm end time for the meeting - can speed up the whole process of
making a deal.
In short you need to man up, reign in your schedule, and start being more open with your business contacts.
[Hide Full Comment]Not to make this a gender issue, but it is interesting to note that the way the author suggests approaching these sorts of conflicts is a very traditionally feminine one--to empathize with and acknowledge/validate the feelings of the other person-- rather than the traditionally masculine approach of insisting on asserting one's ego to dominate the situation and/or "win" the argument . It is refreshing and hope-generating that this author presents a model for unifying two conflicting parties, rather than furthering duality and separateness by conquering. The fact that this article originally appeared in the Harvard Business Review gives one hope that real communication and cooperation skills can be taught on a large scale and on the corporate level. Let's see more of this in our world!
You make some good points, but I don't think that just because you're mad you have a blank check to disregard the other person's perspective. It does matter what someone's intention was, and it does matter what they actually did or did not do. Both parties have to be willing to open up and see it from the other side.
Very valuable. Thank you.
...Coool..., Wow.., this is soo valuable. "Intention vs. Consequences".., I am STILL living with the consequences, and noone ever did seem to care as much about my "intentions" as I did..(?!) This has always been a problem for me. It's scary to realize that I don't know what I don't know... Bless those who have gone before... "Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we might oft win by fearing to attempt." - W.Shakespeare
Do we want to be right or do we want to be loving? Doesn't it usually boil down to that? You have shared some great wisdom and advice here. Thank you. It's so easy for a person to simply get stuck in an automatic defense mode. I've learned that starting with "My bad. So sorry!" can make for much happier relationships.
This, really, is radiant and powerful. To realize that there are sores and wounds and painful parts is much more important than giving an explanation about intentions. Thank you, have shared on Facebook.
This is a very important article. So often in conflict we get caught up in maintaining our position and we fail to see how standing our ground--especially if we've hurt another--only serves to continue to frustrate, and more importantly, invalidate them. I've ended a long term friendship with a person who repeatedly exhibited a failure to understand how her negative and thoughtless behaviors impacted our relationship. She refused to acknowledge that she was ever capable of doing anything inconsiderate or hurtful and that refusal cost her a great friend. None of us are perfect and it takes a big heart and a kind soul to stop and think about how our behavior impacts others.
Many Buddhist monasteries maintain total silence with only a half hour break every day. During this half hour, many monks can be seen beating themselves while conversing with their fellow monks. The reason is that monks are reminded to hurt themselves instead of hurting their neighbor by their words.
Love this perspective...thank you...
Thank you for sharing . Lot's of learning .
It is so simple and so hard. When get outside of ourselves and our own desires, to see, hear and feel the other, the person before us, we can respond to the moment, the situation at hand. If the intention is to connect, then we need to see the person before us.
Yet most of us grow up learning to assert ourselves as right. I learned this in working with very young children, toddlers who tend to grab from each other. When I, as the adult simply state what is going on. "Susie has it and Sarah is pulling on it" rather than "she had it first or it's her turn", it seems to me as observer, that a release takes place, the struggle is seen and the children stop pulling and work it out once they are both seen in their struggle. It is the recognition of the other that shifts the situation from conflict to connection.
Your struggle is to get their on time. Her struggle is to wait once again.
When you can see that she too is struggling and it may be hard to repeatedly wait for another person, particularly the one you are married to, then you can address her feelings and her struggle by acknowledging them.
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