Í mörg ár vann ég við líknarmeðferð. Sjúklingar mínir voru þeir sem höfðu farið heim til að deyja. Sumir ótrúlega sérstakar stundir voru sameiginlegar. Ég var hjá þeim síðustu þrjár til tólf vikur lífs þeirra.
Fólk stækkar mikið þegar það stendur frammi fyrir eigin dauðleika. Ég lærði að vanmeta aldrei getu einhvers til að vaxa. Sumar breytingar voru stórkostlegar. Hver upplifði margvíslegar tilfinningar, eins og búist var við, afneitun, ótta, reiði, iðrun, meiri afneitun og að lokum viðurkenningu. Hver og einn sjúklingur fann sinn frið áður en hann fór, hver og einn.
Þegar spurt var um einhverja eftirsjá sem þeir hefðu eða eitthvað sem þeir myndu gera öðruvísi, komu algeng þemu upp aftur og aftur. Hér eru algengustu fimm:
1. Ég vildi að ég hefði haft hugrekki til að lifa lífinu sjálfri mér, ekki því lífi sem aðrir bjuggust við af mér.
Þetta var algengasta eftirsjáin allra. Þegar fólk áttar sig á því að líf þeirra er næstum búið og lítur skýrt til baka á það er auðvelt að sjá hversu margir draumar hafa ræst. Flestir höfðu ekki heiðrað einu sinni helming drauma sinna og urðu að deyja vitandi að það væri vegna vala sem þeir höfðu tekið eða ekki tekið.
Það er mjög mikilvægt að reyna að heiðra að minnsta kosti suma drauma þína í leiðinni. Frá því augnabliki sem þú missir heilsuna er það of seint. Heilsan hefur í för með sér frelsi sem fáir gera sér grein fyrir fyrr en þeir hafa það ekki lengur.
2. Ég vildi að ég hefði ekki unnið svona mikið.
Þetta kom frá hverjum karlkyns sjúklingi sem ég hjúkraði. Þau söknuðu æsku barna sinna og félagsskapar maka síns. Konur töluðu líka um þessa eftirsjá. En þar sem flestir voru af eldri kynslóð, höfðu margir kvenkyns sjúklinganna ekki verið fyrirvinnur. Allir karlmennirnir sem ég hjúkraði iðruðu mjög að hafa eytt svo miklum hluta ævinnar á hlaupabretti vinnutilverunnar.
Með því að einfalda lífsstílinn þinn og taka meðvitaðar ákvarðanir í leiðinni er hægt að þurfa ekki á þeim tekjum að halda sem þú telur þig gera. Og með því að skapa meira pláss í lífi þínu verðurðu hamingjusamari og opnari fyrir nýjum tækifærum, þeim sem henta þínum nýja lífsstíl betur.
3. Ég vildi að ég hefði haft hugrekki til að tjá tilfinningar mínar.
Margir bæla niður tilfinningar sínar til að halda friði við aðra. Fyrir vikið sættu þeir sig við miðlungs tilveru og urðu aldrei þeir sem þeir voru sannarlega færir um að verða. Margir fengu sjúkdóma sem tengdust biturleika og gremju sem þeir báru í kjölfarið.
Við getum ekki stjórnað viðbrögðum annarra. Hins vegar, þó að fólk gæti í upphafi brugðist við þegar þú breytir því hvernig þú ert með því að tala heiðarlega, á endanum hækkar það sambandið á allt nýtt og heilbrigðara stig. Annaðhvort það eða það losar óheilbrigða sambandið úr lífi þínu. Hvort heldur sem er, þú vinnur.
4. Ég vildi að ég hefði verið í sambandi við vini mína.
Oft gerðu þeir sér ekki fulla grein fyrir ávinningi gamalla vina fyrr en á dánarvikunum og það var ekki alltaf hægt að elta þá uppi. Margir voru orðnir svo fastir í eigin lífi að þeir höfðu látið gullna vináttu renna úr böndunum í gegnum árin. Það var mikil eftirsjá að því að hafa ekki gefið vinaböndum þann tíma og fyrirhöfn sem þeir eiga skilið. Allir sakna vina sinna þegar þeir eru að deyja.
Það er algengt að allir í annasömum lífsstíl láti vinskapur renna út. En þegar þú stendur frammi fyrir dauða þínum, sem er að nálgast, falla líkamleg smáatriði lífsins í burtu. Fólk vill þó koma reglu á fjármálin ef hægt er. En það eru ekki peningar eða staða sem skiptir máli fyrir þá. Þeir vilja koma hlutunum í lag meira til hagsbóta fyrir þá sem þeir elska. Venjulega eru þeir þó of veikir og þreyttir til að takast nokkurn tíma við þetta verkefni. Þetta snýst allt um ást og sambönd á endanum. Það er allt sem er eftir á síðustu vikunum, ást og sambönd.
5. Ég vildi að ég hefði látið mig vera hamingjusamari.
Þetta er furðu algengt. Margir áttuðu sig ekki á því fyrr en undir lokin að hamingja er val. Þeir höfðu haldið sig fastir í gömlum mynstrum og venjum. Svokölluð „þægindi“ kunnugleikans flæddu yfir í tilfinningar þeirra, sem og líkamlegt líf. Óttinn við breytingar varð til þess að þeir létu sem öðrum og sjálfum sér að þeir væru sáttir. Þegar þau voru djúpt innra með sér þráðu þau að hlæja almennilega og hafa aftur kjánaskap í lífi sínu.
Þegar þú ert á dánarbeði þínum er langt frá huga þínum hvað öðrum finnst um þig. Hversu yndislegt að geta sleppt takinu og brosað aftur, löngu áður en þú ert að deyja.
Lífið er val. Það er Líf ÞITT. Veldu meðvitað, veldu skynsamlega, veldu heiðarlega. Veldu hamingju.
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26 PAST RESPONSES
Thank you . We are the creators of our lives and we have the choice what kind of life we want to live . That is the truth .
Happiness, what the hell was that! I regret having to be subjected to such a sad life for 68yrs. now and probably another 15 to 25 more years as more punishment on this hellhole! ( Perfectly healthy since having my tonsils out in 1957 and lousy life from being one-eyed blinded in 1951! Yes I also know I'm angry and bitter! ) I've lived the life I wanted, with the restrictions and sadness imposed by the circumstances and it's still been a load of crap! ( Always been "in this world, not of it! ) "It's a Wonderful Life"? Hell it is!!!
I appreciate your thoughts. Thoughts like these are not just for grown ups. They are thoughts that were felt even as a child, not ever measuring up, or at the least.."different than". As a Chaplain and one who brings comfort to ohers, and some would say brings a lot of of peace and comfort to others, a.k.a. successful in one's job, I have had to come to the understanding that God or the Divine made me who I am and have given me the abilities, likes, joys and talents that I have. I need to often realize that I AM doing what fulfills ME, not someone else.
This stings. Quite a lot. I'm not doing the best at the moment even with having a pretty comfortable life. I'm working in a field that I've chosen, I'm married with two kids and have a roof over my head. I have no reason to complain. So why am I so stressed out? Because even though I am ok with not being a "Champion of the Universe" (read: rich and successful) and I'm "only" an academic librarian with a Master's degree, in the eyes of many I am a failure.
And it isn't fair. And life isn't fair.
Even choosing to do something that I love and staying out of trouble and going "above and beyond" isn't good enough sometimes. You have to do the right thing in the eyes of society - usually something that makes you a bunch of money - especially if you are a man. No excuses. Failure is not an option. Depression and stress are signs of weakness.
So here I am expressing my feelings to strangers that I'm pretty ticked off that things haven't changed in my lifetime. I am one of those guys living a life of "quiet desperation" because I am the "least successful" one in my family and among my friends, peers and neighbors. I'm constantly reminded of it through the vacations that people take and the restaurants they visit and the gifts they receive. I really shouldn't care and don't until other people constantly bring it up and because I haven't taken my kids to swim with the dolphins, I'm a lesser parent.
On my deathbed, I'm hoping to tell those gathered around that I was pretty happy and satisfied with my life choices. But I'm not there yet.
[Hide Full Comment]what a thought provoking article , thank you
The first 30 years of my life were spent trying to get my parents to show me any kind of love or affection I could get. But as the oldest of 5 it was impossible so I spent my youth trying to please others and in the end I lost something important...me.
I just re-read this article and was deeply touched by it. Thank you for featuring this piece. It's such an important reminder, one that often gets lost in the little tasks that make up each day. :)
Just what Anita Moorjani talks about ....1 Love your Self. 2 Be true to yourself, 3 KnowLife is a Gift
4. Choose Joy.
This article has touched me deeply.
We keep on postponing our wishes in the hope that there is still time left. Should seriously start fulfilling some of them before I am into my final round of regrets.
I'd spent a lot more time in the pouring rain without an umbrella coverin my head.
And I'd stood up to that bully when he pushed and called me names, but i was too afraid.
And I'd of gone off to see elvis that night he came to town... mama said i couldn't.
And I'd a went skinny dipping with jenny carson that night she dared me to... but i didn't.
Oh I.... I'd done a lot of things different.
I wish I'd a spent more time with my dad when he was alive... now I don't have the chance.
Ladies and Gentlemen... the great Kenny Chesney signing " A lot of things different".
http://www.youtube.com/watc...
:) :) I LOVE
Life is a journey not a destination! Doesn't matter what and/or how you travel through it, as long as you do it peacefully. It is not healthy taking everything so serious. Life is too short... We need to thank God for the time we have had with those we love, and quit regretting things we could have or should have done. Enjoy what is in front of you, live for today as though it is your last day on earth. We never know what will happen or where we will be tomorrow. If I had a chance to live another life, I don't believe I would change much, I have learned from both good and bad, mistakes and successes, it is all part of the journey, afterall, we do write our own script, God just helps guide us through it if you allow him to. Peace
Definitely agree with what you stated. Your explanation was certainly the easiest to understand about "Top Five Regrets of the Dying".
What articles like this miss is that sometimes we have no choice. In today's job market, we cannot just say don't work so hard. If we don't someone else will. We can live a simple life, but when a loved one has a medical issue and the bills are high, we have to keep working. Sometimes there are no other choices. We just have to suck it up as they say and plug on.
Only when desires cease, will suffering cease, such is the way with man.
Doesnt matter if the desire is materialistic or altruistic, as long as it exists suffering will continue.
i also feel like that, some times we had capacity to handle the things, situations, or relations more efficiently, but we unable to did so and some day when we r alone and try to find out reason of failure we realize one of these regrets or combine effect of these 5
This should be a remember to everyone that you only live once and so you should live it to the max. Don't waste your time trying to impress people through out your life because it will only hurt you in the end. That's why it was #1. You can live life passively or you can take on a journey that life provides. Chase after your dreams and expand your comfort zone. You would be surprised of how much potential you have as a human being. Offer kindness and compassion as much as you receive them.
Hiding our feelings is a crime to ourselves......its lyk an ordeal......
n moreovr as a ring makes an impint on our finger evn after removing it......in d same way dese un expressed feelings makes us immortal smewhere..................
I don't think it can hurt very much if you tell someone that you don't like something.
It depends how you use your discretion. and that won't be a big problem when dying
I have been wondering
I've been controlling and hiding my feelings in order not to hurt and offend others, but I don't think that I would regret it if I' ll die.
I like the 4 others above (regret of dying)
I figured I'd have 4 out 5 but all five have been forefront to me lifelong.I've been very lucky.
an understanding is missing in all of the recaptures, including authors comments.
all the people that had regrets would live exactly the same life as they did if they had a second chance for simple reason- they didn’t understand that what happened to them was the LIFE. If they could, they would live differently.
What this article shown is that people died without finding happiness even at the last moments of their lives. Happiness doesn’t have time measure. You always have time before you die! It could be a millisecond before you die. But if you spending time in regrets, then your life is exactly what you are, full of regrets.
DON’T choose consciously, DON’T choose wisely, DON’T choose honestly. DON’T choose happiness. DON’T have regrets. If you are choosing you are always in doubt, and in regrets…..
Stop choosing; accept what is coming to you! Be happy!
That is fact. When you in bed 6th day and you can't even go a toilet is when you will loose hope. without hope will mean no life. I may be seen that and first thing came to my head was why I didn't enjoy life. With Allah's greatness I got the time and I can enjoy at maximum by doing whatever I like. I can be in the mosque or I can be in my room abusing alcohol or i can visit a relative or I can please anyone but not displease them. When people are young, they don't have experience but when they see all sides with all effects they just cool down for knowing one time they will good bye.
It is good to add that into the accounts and enjoy life at its highest. turn away all those don't please or just don't give time. imagine if someone is living in fear or jail and we are free from all. we also need to not forget that enjoying too much is destructive. So it is better to balance and shape it like you like it to be.
peope died a long time ago, are still in the graves begging God to finish this world and start a new one so that thy would form part of the next population. they are unlucky because resurrections are not near.
[Hide Full Comment]We too are not lucky because life is short....so we have to dedicate to good.
"We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win."
This is huge! When we understand this, we can have a bit of freedom.
Wonderful:))
"I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. " that is how we share the gift we were meant to bring into the world. thank you for this reality check. Please everyone take the risks needed to realign the culture with human potential & lifes fuller possibilities. We are in a western cultural ditch but we need not stay there!!