저는 오랫동안 완화 치료 분야에서 일했습니다. 제 환자분들은 임종을 앞둔 분들이었습니다. 그분들과 함께 정말 특별한 시간을 보냈습니다. 저는 그분들의 삶의 마지막 3주에서 12주 동안 함께했습니다.
사람들은 자신의 죽음을 마주할 때 크게 성장합니다. 저는 누군가의 성장 가능성을 절대 과소평가해서는 안 된다는 것을 배웠습니다. 어떤 변화들은 정말 놀라웠습니다. 예상대로 모든 환자들은 부정, 두려움, 분노, 후회, 다시 부정, 그리고 결국 수용 등 다양한 감정을 경험했습니다. 하지만 모든 환자들이 세상을 떠나기 전에 평화를 찾았습니다. 단 한 명도 빠짐없이 말입니다.
후회하는 점이나 다르게 했을 일에 대해 질문을 받았을 때, 공통적인 주제들이 계속해서 제기되었습니다. 가장 흔한 다섯 가지는 다음과 같습니다.
1. 남들이 내게 기대하는 삶이 아닌, 진정한 내 모습대로 살 용기가 있었더라면 좋았을 텐데.
이것이 가장 흔한 후회였습니다. 사람들이 삶의 끝자락에 다다라 지나온 삶을 되돌아보면, 이루지 못한 꿈이 얼마나 많은지 쉽게 알 수 있습니다. 대부분의 사람들은 꿈의 절반도 제대로 이루지 못했고, 자신이 내린 선택, 혹은 내리지 않은 선택 때문에 그렇게 되었다는 사실을 알고 죽음을 맞이합니다.
살면서 적어도 몇 가지 꿈은 이루려고 노력하는 것이 매우 중요합니다. 건강을 잃는 순간, 되돌릴 수 없게 됩니다. 건강이 가져다주는 자유는 많은 사람들이 잃기 전까지는 깨닫지 못하는 경우가 많습니다.
2. 내가 이렇게 열심히 일하지 않았으면 좋겠어.
제가 간호했던 모든 남성 환자들이 공통적으로 했던 말이 바로 이것이었습니다. 그들은 자녀들의 어린 시절과 배우자와의 교제를 그리워했습니다. 여성 환자들도 비슷한 후회를 표현했지만, 대부분 나이가 지긋하신 분들이라 가장 역할을 하지 못했던 경우가 많았습니다. 제가 간호했던 모든 남성 환자들은 인생의 대부분을 일에만 매달리며 보낸 것을 깊이 후회했습니다.
생활 방식을 단순화하고 의식적인 선택을 하다 보면, 생각만큼 많은 소득이 필요하지 않을 수도 있습니다. 삶에 여유를 만들면 더 행복해지고 새로운 기회에 더 열린 마음을 갖게 되며, 새로운 라이프스타일에 더욱 적합한 기회를 맞이할 수 있습니다.
3. 내 감정을 표현할 용기가 있었더라면 좋았을 텐데.
많은 사람들이 타인과의 평화를 유지하기 위해 자신의 감정을 억눌렀습니다. 그 결과, 그들은 평범한 삶에 만족하며 진정한 잠재력을 발휘하지 못했습니다. 또한, 마음속에 쌓인 원망과 분노로 인해 여러 질병에 시달리는 사람들도 많았습니다.
우리는 타인의 반응을 통제할 수는 없습니다. 하지만 솔직하게 이야기하며 자신의 모습을 바꾸려 할 때 처음에는 상대방이 반발할 수도 있지만, 결국에는 관계를 완전히 새롭고 건강한 단계로 끌어올리거나, 혹은 건강하지 못한 관계를 삶에서 정리하게 될 것입니다. 어느 쪽이든 당신에게는 이득입니다.
4. 친구들과 계속 연락을 유지했더라면 좋았을 텐데.
많은 사람들이 임종을 앞두고서야 오랜 친구들의 소중함을 진정으로 깨닫곤 했고, 그들을 찾아내는 것이 항상 가능한 것도 아니었습니다. 각자의 삶에 너무 몰두한 나머지 소중한 우정을 놓쳐버린 사람들도 많았습니다. 우정에 마땅히 기울여야 할 시간과 노력을 쏟지 못한 것을 깊이 후회하는 이들이 많았습니다. 누구나 죽음을 앞두고는 친구를 그리워하게 마련입니다.
바쁜 삶을 살다 보면 친구 관계를 소홀히 하기 쉽습니다. 하지만 죽음이 다가오면 삶의 물질적인 세부 사항들은 중요하지 않게 됩니다. 물론 사람들은 가능하다면 재정적인 부분을 정리하고 싶어 합니다. 하지만 그들에게 진정으로 중요한 것은 돈이나 지위가 아닙니다. 사랑하는 사람들을 위해 모든 것을 정리하고 싶어 하는 것입니다. 그러나 대개는 너무 아프고 지쳐서 이 일을 해낼 수 없습니다. 결국 모든 것은 사랑과 관계로 귀결됩니다. 삶의 마지막 몇 주 동안 남는 것은 오직 사랑과 관계뿐입니다.
5. 내가 좀 더 행복해지도록 스스로에게 허락했더라면 좋았을 텐데.
놀랍도록 흔한 경우입니다. 많은 사람들이 행복은 선택이라는 사실을 마지막 순간까지 깨닫지 못했습니다. 그들은 낡은 패턴과 습관에 갇혀 있었습니다. 익숙함에서 오는 소위 '편안함'이 감정뿐 아니라 육체적인 삶에도 스며들었습니다. 변화에 대한 두려움 때문에 그들은 타인에게, 그리고 스스로에게 만족하는 척했습니다. 하지만 마음속 깊은 곳에서는 제대로 웃고 삶에 다시 유쾌함을 되찾고 싶어 했습니다.
임종을 앞둔 순간에는 남들이 나를 어떻게 생각하는지는 전혀 신경 쓰지 않게 됩니다. 죽기 훨씬 전에 모든 것을 내려놓고 다시 웃을 수 있다는 건 얼마나 멋진 일일까요.
인생은 선택입니다. 당신의 인생입니다. 의식적으로, 현명하게, 정직하게 선택하세요. 행복을 선택하세요.
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26 PAST RESPONSES
Thank you . We are the creators of our lives and we have the choice what kind of life we want to live . That is the truth .
Happiness, what the hell was that! I regret having to be subjected to such a sad life for 68yrs. now and probably another 15 to 25 more years as more punishment on this hellhole! ( Perfectly healthy since having my tonsils out in 1957 and lousy life from being one-eyed blinded in 1951! Yes I also know I'm angry and bitter! ) I've lived the life I wanted, with the restrictions and sadness imposed by the circumstances and it's still been a load of crap! ( Always been "in this world, not of it! ) "It's a Wonderful Life"? Hell it is!!!
I appreciate your thoughts. Thoughts like these are not just for grown ups. They are thoughts that were felt even as a child, not ever measuring up, or at the least.."different than". As a Chaplain and one who brings comfort to ohers, and some would say brings a lot of of peace and comfort to others, a.k.a. successful in one's job, I have had to come to the understanding that God or the Divine made me who I am and have given me the abilities, likes, joys and talents that I have. I need to often realize that I AM doing what fulfills ME, not someone else.
This stings. Quite a lot. I'm not doing the best at the moment even with having a pretty comfortable life. I'm working in a field that I've chosen, I'm married with two kids and have a roof over my head. I have no reason to complain. So why am I so stressed out? Because even though I am ok with not being a "Champion of the Universe" (read: rich and successful) and I'm "only" an academic librarian with a Master's degree, in the eyes of many I am a failure.
And it isn't fair. And life isn't fair.
Even choosing to do something that I love and staying out of trouble and going "above and beyond" isn't good enough sometimes. You have to do the right thing in the eyes of society - usually something that makes you a bunch of money - especially if you are a man. No excuses. Failure is not an option. Depression and stress are signs of weakness.
So here I am expressing my feelings to strangers that I'm pretty ticked off that things haven't changed in my lifetime. I am one of those guys living a life of "quiet desperation" because I am the "least successful" one in my family and among my friends, peers and neighbors. I'm constantly reminded of it through the vacations that people take and the restaurants they visit and the gifts they receive. I really shouldn't care and don't until other people constantly bring it up and because I haven't taken my kids to swim with the dolphins, I'm a lesser parent.
On my deathbed, I'm hoping to tell those gathered around that I was pretty happy and satisfied with my life choices. But I'm not there yet.
[Hide Full Comment]what a thought provoking article , thank you
The first 30 years of my life were spent trying to get my parents to show me any kind of love or affection I could get. But as the oldest of 5 it was impossible so I spent my youth trying to please others and in the end I lost something important...me.
I just re-read this article and was deeply touched by it. Thank you for featuring this piece. It's such an important reminder, one that often gets lost in the little tasks that make up each day. :)
Just what Anita Moorjani talks about ....1 Love your Self. 2 Be true to yourself, 3 KnowLife is a Gift
4. Choose Joy.
This article has touched me deeply.
We keep on postponing our wishes in the hope that there is still time left. Should seriously start fulfilling some of them before I am into my final round of regrets.
I'd spent a lot more time in the pouring rain without an umbrella coverin my head.
And I'd stood up to that bully when he pushed and called me names, but i was too afraid.
And I'd of gone off to see elvis that night he came to town... mama said i couldn't.
And I'd a went skinny dipping with jenny carson that night she dared me to... but i didn't.
Oh I.... I'd done a lot of things different.
I wish I'd a spent more time with my dad when he was alive... now I don't have the chance.
Ladies and Gentlemen... the great Kenny Chesney signing " A lot of things different".
http://www.youtube.com/watc...
:) :) I LOVE
Life is a journey not a destination! Doesn't matter what and/or how you travel through it, as long as you do it peacefully. It is not healthy taking everything so serious. Life is too short... We need to thank God for the time we have had with those we love, and quit regretting things we could have or should have done. Enjoy what is in front of you, live for today as though it is your last day on earth. We never know what will happen or where we will be tomorrow. If I had a chance to live another life, I don't believe I would change much, I have learned from both good and bad, mistakes and successes, it is all part of the journey, afterall, we do write our own script, God just helps guide us through it if you allow him to. Peace
Definitely agree with what you stated. Your explanation was certainly the easiest to understand about "Top Five Regrets of the Dying".
What articles like this miss is that sometimes we have no choice. In today's job market, we cannot just say don't work so hard. If we don't someone else will. We can live a simple life, but when a loved one has a medical issue and the bills are high, we have to keep working. Sometimes there are no other choices. We just have to suck it up as they say and plug on.
Only when desires cease, will suffering cease, such is the way with man.
Doesnt matter if the desire is materialistic or altruistic, as long as it exists suffering will continue.
i also feel like that, some times we had capacity to handle the things, situations, or relations more efficiently, but we unable to did so and some day when we r alone and try to find out reason of failure we realize one of these regrets or combine effect of these 5
This should be a remember to everyone that you only live once and so you should live it to the max. Don't waste your time trying to impress people through out your life because it will only hurt you in the end. That's why it was #1. You can live life passively or you can take on a journey that life provides. Chase after your dreams and expand your comfort zone. You would be surprised of how much potential you have as a human being. Offer kindness and compassion as much as you receive them.
Hiding our feelings is a crime to ourselves......its lyk an ordeal......
n moreovr as a ring makes an impint on our finger evn after removing it......in d same way dese un expressed feelings makes us immortal smewhere..................
I don't think it can hurt very much if you tell someone that you don't like something.
It depends how you use your discretion. and that won't be a big problem when dying
I have been wondering
I've been controlling and hiding my feelings in order not to hurt and offend others, but I don't think that I would regret it if I' ll die.
I like the 4 others above (regret of dying)
I figured I'd have 4 out 5 but all five have been forefront to me lifelong.I've been very lucky.
an understanding is missing in all of the recaptures, including authors comments.
all the people that had regrets would live exactly the same life as they did if they had a second chance for simple reason- they didn’t understand that what happened to them was the LIFE. If they could, they would live differently.
What this article shown is that people died without finding happiness even at the last moments of their lives. Happiness doesn’t have time measure. You always have time before you die! It could be a millisecond before you die. But if you spending time in regrets, then your life is exactly what you are, full of regrets.
DON’T choose consciously, DON’T choose wisely, DON’T choose honestly. DON’T choose happiness. DON’T have regrets. If you are choosing you are always in doubt, and in regrets…..
Stop choosing; accept what is coming to you! Be happy!
That is fact. When you in bed 6th day and you can't even go a toilet is when you will loose hope. without hope will mean no life. I may be seen that and first thing came to my head was why I didn't enjoy life. With Allah's greatness I got the time and I can enjoy at maximum by doing whatever I like. I can be in the mosque or I can be in my room abusing alcohol or i can visit a relative or I can please anyone but not displease them. When people are young, they don't have experience but when they see all sides with all effects they just cool down for knowing one time they will good bye.
It is good to add that into the accounts and enjoy life at its highest. turn away all those don't please or just don't give time. imagine if someone is living in fear or jail and we are free from all. we also need to not forget that enjoying too much is destructive. So it is better to balance and shape it like you like it to be.
peope died a long time ago, are still in the graves begging God to finish this world and start a new one so that thy would form part of the next population. they are unlucky because resurrections are not near.
[Hide Full Comment]We too are not lucky because life is short....so we have to dedicate to good.
"We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win."
This is huge! When we understand this, we can have a bit of freedom.
Wonderful:))
"I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. " that is how we share the gift we were meant to bring into the world. thank you for this reality check. Please everyone take the risks needed to realign the culture with human potential & lifes fuller possibilities. We are in a western cultural ditch but we need not stay there!!