私は長年、緩和ケアに携わってきました。私の患者は、亡くなるために自宅に戻った方々でした。彼らと過ごした時間は、信じられないほど特別なものでした。私は彼らの人生最後の3週間から12週間を共に過ごしました。
人は死を目の当たりにすると大きく成長します。私は、人の成長の可能性を決して過小評価してはいけないと学びました。中には驚くべき変化もありました。誰もが様々な感情を経験しました。予想通り、否認、恐怖、怒り、後悔、さらなる否認、そして最終的には受容。しかし、患者は皆、亡くなる前に心の平安を見つけました。
後悔していることや、今ならやり直せることについて質問したところ、共通のテーマが何度も浮かび上がりました。最も多かった5つの点は以下のとおりです。
1. 他人が私に期待する人生ではなく、自分自身に忠実な人生を生きる勇気があればよかったと思います。
これは最もよくある後悔でした。人生がもうすぐ終わると悟り、はっきりと振り返ると、どれほど多くの夢が叶わなかったかが容易に分かります。ほとんどの人は夢の半分も叶えられず、自分が選んだ、あるいは選ばなかった選択のせいだと知りながら、死ななければなりませんでした。
少なくともいくつかの夢を叶える努力をすることは、人生において非常に重要です。健康を失った瞬間から、手遅れです。健康は自由をもたらしてくれますが、失うまでその自由を実感する人はごくわずかです。
2. そんなに一生懸命働かなければよかった。
私が看護した男性患者は皆、同じ思いを抱いていました。彼らは子供たちの青春時代やパートナーとの友情を懐かしんでいました。女性患者も同様の後悔を口にしていました。しかし、女性患者の多くは高齢世代だったため、家計を支える立場になかった人が多かったのです。私が看護した男性患者は皆、仕事という名のルーチンワークに人生の多くを費やしてきたことを深く後悔していました。
ライフスタイルをシンプルにし、その過程で意識的な選択をすることで、自分が思っているほど収入を必要としなくなる可能性があります。そして、生活に余裕が生まれることで、より幸せになり、新しいライフスタイルに合った新しい機会にもっとオープンになれるでしょう。
3. 自分の気持ちを表現する勇気があればよかった。
多くの人々は、他者との平和を保つために自分の感情を抑圧しました。その結果、平凡な存在に甘んじ、本来なるべき自分になることはありませんでした。その結果、多くの人が、抱え込んだ苦悩や恨みに関連する病気を患いました。
他人の反応をコントロールすることはできません。しかし、正直に話すことで自分のあり方を変えると、最初は相手に反応されるかもしれませんが、最終的には、人間関係を全く新しい、より健全なレベルへと引き上げることになります。あるいは、不健全な関係をあなたの人生から解放することになるかもしれません。どちらにしても、あなたの勝利です。
4. 友達と連絡を取り続けていたらよかったのに。
往々にして、彼らは死の数週間前まで旧友の真の恩恵に気づかず、必ずしも彼らを探し出すこともできませんでした。多くの人が自分の生活に追われ、長年かけて貴重な友情を失ってしまいました。友情にふさわしい時間と労力を費やさなかったことを深く後悔する人も少なくありませんでした。誰もが死の間際に友人を恋しく思うのです。
忙しい生活を送っていると、友情を疎かにしてしまうのはよくあることです。しかし、死期が近づくと、人生の物理的な細部は消え去ります。人は皆、可能であれば経済的な問題に対処したいと願うものです。しかし、彼らにとって真に重要なのはお金や地位ではありません。愛する人のために、物事を整理したいのです。しかし、たいていは病と疲労で、その作業が手に負えないほどです。結局のところ、すべては愛と人間関係にかかっています。最後の数週間に残るのは、愛と人間関係だけなのです。
5. もっと幸せになれたらよかったのに。
これは驚くほどよくあるケースです。多くの人は、幸せとは選択できるものだと、最後まで気づきませんでした。古いパターンや習慣にとらわれていたのです。慣れ親しんだものから得られるいわゆる「安心感」が、肉体的な生活だけでなく、感情にも溢れ出していました。変化への恐怖から、他人にも自分自身にも、自分が満足しているふりをしていました。心の奥底では、再び人生にちゃんと笑い、ばかばかしい出来事を取り戻したいと切望していたのです。
死の床にあるとき、他人が自分のことをどう思っているかなど、心の奥底には思い浮かびません。死ぬずっと前に、すべてを手放して再び笑顔になれるなんて、なんて素晴らしいことでしょう。
人生は選択です。それはあなたの人生です。意識的に、賢く、正直に選びましょう。幸せを選びましょう。
COMMUNITY REFLECTIONS
SHARE YOUR REFLECTION
26 PAST RESPONSES
Thank you . We are the creators of our lives and we have the choice what kind of life we want to live . That is the truth .
Happiness, what the hell was that! I regret having to be subjected to such a sad life for 68yrs. now and probably another 15 to 25 more years as more punishment on this hellhole! ( Perfectly healthy since having my tonsils out in 1957 and lousy life from being one-eyed blinded in 1951! Yes I also know I'm angry and bitter! ) I've lived the life I wanted, with the restrictions and sadness imposed by the circumstances and it's still been a load of crap! ( Always been "in this world, not of it! ) "It's a Wonderful Life"? Hell it is!!!
I appreciate your thoughts. Thoughts like these are not just for grown ups. They are thoughts that were felt even as a child, not ever measuring up, or at the least.."different than". As a Chaplain and one who brings comfort to ohers, and some would say brings a lot of of peace and comfort to others, a.k.a. successful in one's job, I have had to come to the understanding that God or the Divine made me who I am and have given me the abilities, likes, joys and talents that I have. I need to often realize that I AM doing what fulfills ME, not someone else.
This stings. Quite a lot. I'm not doing the best at the moment even with having a pretty comfortable life. I'm working in a field that I've chosen, I'm married with two kids and have a roof over my head. I have no reason to complain. So why am I so stressed out? Because even though I am ok with not being a "Champion of the Universe" (read: rich and successful) and I'm "only" an academic librarian with a Master's degree, in the eyes of many I am a failure.
And it isn't fair. And life isn't fair.
Even choosing to do something that I love and staying out of trouble and going "above and beyond" isn't good enough sometimes. You have to do the right thing in the eyes of society - usually something that makes you a bunch of money - especially if you are a man. No excuses. Failure is not an option. Depression and stress are signs of weakness.
So here I am expressing my feelings to strangers that I'm pretty ticked off that things haven't changed in my lifetime. I am one of those guys living a life of "quiet desperation" because I am the "least successful" one in my family and among my friends, peers and neighbors. I'm constantly reminded of it through the vacations that people take and the restaurants they visit and the gifts they receive. I really shouldn't care and don't until other people constantly bring it up and because I haven't taken my kids to swim with the dolphins, I'm a lesser parent.
On my deathbed, I'm hoping to tell those gathered around that I was pretty happy and satisfied with my life choices. But I'm not there yet.
[Hide Full Comment]what a thought provoking article , thank you
The first 30 years of my life were spent trying to get my parents to show me any kind of love or affection I could get. But as the oldest of 5 it was impossible so I spent my youth trying to please others and in the end I lost something important...me.
I just re-read this article and was deeply touched by it. Thank you for featuring this piece. It's such an important reminder, one that often gets lost in the little tasks that make up each day. :)
Just what Anita Moorjani talks about ....1 Love your Self. 2 Be true to yourself, 3 KnowLife is a Gift
4. Choose Joy.
This article has touched me deeply.
We keep on postponing our wishes in the hope that there is still time left. Should seriously start fulfilling some of them before I am into my final round of regrets.
I'd spent a lot more time in the pouring rain without an umbrella coverin my head.
And I'd stood up to that bully when he pushed and called me names, but i was too afraid.
And I'd of gone off to see elvis that night he came to town... mama said i couldn't.
And I'd a went skinny dipping with jenny carson that night she dared me to... but i didn't.
Oh I.... I'd done a lot of things different.
I wish I'd a spent more time with my dad when he was alive... now I don't have the chance.
Ladies and Gentlemen... the great Kenny Chesney signing " A lot of things different".
http://www.youtube.com/watc...
:) :) I LOVE
Life is a journey not a destination! Doesn't matter what and/or how you travel through it, as long as you do it peacefully. It is not healthy taking everything so serious. Life is too short... We need to thank God for the time we have had with those we love, and quit regretting things we could have or should have done. Enjoy what is in front of you, live for today as though it is your last day on earth. We never know what will happen or where we will be tomorrow. If I had a chance to live another life, I don't believe I would change much, I have learned from both good and bad, mistakes and successes, it is all part of the journey, afterall, we do write our own script, God just helps guide us through it if you allow him to. Peace
Definitely agree with what you stated. Your explanation was certainly the easiest to understand about "Top Five Regrets of the Dying".
What articles like this miss is that sometimes we have no choice. In today's job market, we cannot just say don't work so hard. If we don't someone else will. We can live a simple life, but when a loved one has a medical issue and the bills are high, we have to keep working. Sometimes there are no other choices. We just have to suck it up as they say and plug on.
Only when desires cease, will suffering cease, such is the way with man.
Doesnt matter if the desire is materialistic or altruistic, as long as it exists suffering will continue.
i also feel like that, some times we had capacity to handle the things, situations, or relations more efficiently, but we unable to did so and some day when we r alone and try to find out reason of failure we realize one of these regrets or combine effect of these 5
This should be a remember to everyone that you only live once and so you should live it to the max. Don't waste your time trying to impress people through out your life because it will only hurt you in the end. That's why it was #1. You can live life passively or you can take on a journey that life provides. Chase after your dreams and expand your comfort zone. You would be surprised of how much potential you have as a human being. Offer kindness and compassion as much as you receive them.
Hiding our feelings is a crime to ourselves......its lyk an ordeal......
n moreovr as a ring makes an impint on our finger evn after removing it......in d same way dese un expressed feelings makes us immortal smewhere..................
I don't think it can hurt very much if you tell someone that you don't like something.
It depends how you use your discretion. and that won't be a big problem when dying
I have been wondering
I've been controlling and hiding my feelings in order not to hurt and offend others, but I don't think that I would regret it if I' ll die.
I like the 4 others above (regret of dying)
I figured I'd have 4 out 5 but all five have been forefront to me lifelong.I've been very lucky.
an understanding is missing in all of the recaptures, including authors comments.
all the people that had regrets would live exactly the same life as they did if they had a second chance for simple reason- they didn’t understand that what happened to them was the LIFE. If they could, they would live differently.
What this article shown is that people died without finding happiness even at the last moments of their lives. Happiness doesn’t have time measure. You always have time before you die! It could be a millisecond before you die. But if you spending time in regrets, then your life is exactly what you are, full of regrets.
DON’T choose consciously, DON’T choose wisely, DON’T choose honestly. DON’T choose happiness. DON’T have regrets. If you are choosing you are always in doubt, and in regrets…..
Stop choosing; accept what is coming to you! Be happy!
That is fact. When you in bed 6th day and you can't even go a toilet is when you will loose hope. without hope will mean no life. I may be seen that and first thing came to my head was why I didn't enjoy life. With Allah's greatness I got the time and I can enjoy at maximum by doing whatever I like. I can be in the mosque or I can be in my room abusing alcohol or i can visit a relative or I can please anyone but not displease them. When people are young, they don't have experience but when they see all sides with all effects they just cool down for knowing one time they will good bye.
It is good to add that into the accounts and enjoy life at its highest. turn away all those don't please or just don't give time. imagine if someone is living in fear or jail and we are free from all. we also need to not forget that enjoying too much is destructive. So it is better to balance and shape it like you like it to be.
peope died a long time ago, are still in the graves begging God to finish this world and start a new one so that thy would form part of the next population. they are unlucky because resurrections are not near.
[Hide Full Comment]We too are not lucky because life is short....so we have to dedicate to good.
"We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win."
This is huge! When we understand this, we can have a bit of freedom.
Wonderful:))
"I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. " that is how we share the gift we were meant to bring into the world. thank you for this reality check. Please everyone take the risks needed to realign the culture with human potential & lifes fuller possibilities. We are in a western cultural ditch but we need not stay there!!