Jeff [ A név megváltozott ], hozzám hasonlóan, író, előadó és egy tanácsadó cég vezetője. Amennyire meg tudom állapítani, profi, elismert, rátermett, becsületes, és népszerű követőtábora van. Valaki, akit mindketten ismerünk, megkért minket, hogy működjünk együtt egy projektben, és egyértelműen kölcsönös előnyökkel jár az együttműködésünk.
Minden nagyszerűen hangzik, kivéve egy dolgot: nem kedvelem Jeffet.
Valami benne nem stimmel. Túl önzőnek, egocentrikusnak vagy önelégültnek tűnik. Nem tudom pontosan, hogy mi az, de tudom, hogy nem kedvelem.
Megemlítettem ezt annak a személynek, aki azt szeretné, hogy együtt dolgozzunk. Lényegében azt mondta, hogy lépjek túl rajta. „Nem kell kedvelned” – mondta –, „de okos dolog lenne, ha együtt dolgoznál vele.”
Szóval, hogyan lehet együttműködni valakivel, akit nem kedvelsz?
Nem egyszerűen arról beszélek, hogy valaki frusztrál téged, mert rosszul kommunikál, vagy nem tud megbeszélést levezetni. Persze, bosszantó, ha az idődet pazarolják, különösen akkor, ha úgy gondolod, hogy jobban is végezhetnél. De ez más, mint nem kedvelni őket. Gondolj csak bele, hogyan reagálsz másképp valakire, akit kedvelsz, de nem tud megbeszélést levezetni (segíteni akarsz neki), mint valakire, akit nem kedvelsz (le akarod hagyni a vele való együttműködést, vagy ha a megbeszélés nagyon hosszú, ki akarod iktatni).
A tipikus tanács, amit az ember hall az olyan emberekkel való együttműködésről, akiket nem kedvel, az, hogy egyszerűen deperszonalizálja a kapcsolatot. Egyszerűen intézze el velük a szükséges ügyeket, és lépjen tovább. Más szóval: Vigyorogjon és tűrje el.
De rájöttem, hogy ez szinte lehetetlen. Azok az emberek, akiket nem szeretünk, az őrületbe kergetnek minket, és rengeteg időt pazarolunk panaszkodásra, vagy arra, hogy aggódjunk egy beszélgetés miatt, amit le kellene folytatnunk velük.
És ez nem a legrosszabb az egészben. A mélyebb probléma az, hogy ha valakit nem kedvelsz, akkor valószínűleg tudja is. Ez arra készteti majd, hogy ne kedveljen téged. És ha úgy gondolod, hogy nehéz olyannal dolgozni, akit nem kedvelsz, próbálj meg olyannal dolgozni, aki nem kedvel téged.
Egyszerű, igazából. Azok az emberek, akikkel jól kijössz, segíteni fognak neked; akikkel nem jössz ki, azok pedig akadályozni fognak.
A kedveltségnek tagadhatatlan előnyei vannak. Kutatások szerint minél több ember kedvel téged, annál könnyebb, produktívabb és jövedelmezőbb lesz az életed. Ez azt jelenti, hogy valaki, akivel nem jössz ki – még akkor is, ha mosolyogsz és elviseled –, kockázatot jelent.
Szóval, ha a vigyorogás és a gesztus viselése vesztes stratégia, mi a másik lehetőség?
Gondold át egy pillanatra, miért nem kedvelsz valakit. Talán azt gondolod, hogy kapzsi. Vagy önző. Vagy elutasító. Vagy egyenesen gonosz. Más szóval, van valami jellemhibája vagy kellemetlen tulajdonsága, ami zavar téged. Mint ahogy én Jeffet látom, aki önző, egocentrikus és önelégült.
Most – és ez jön a neheze – gondold át, hogy a lelked sötét, árnyas részein felfedezed-e magadban ennek a kellemetlen tulajdonságnak a szilánkjait.
Lehetsz kapzsi, önző, elutasító vagy egyenesen gonosz? Tényleg nem kedveled ezt a részed, ugye? Bárcsak eltávolodnál ettől az oldaladtól. Pont úgy, ahogy azt kívánod, bárcsak eltávolodhatnál attól a személytől, akit nem kedvelsz.
Más szóval, valószínűleg azért nem bírod elviselni azt a személyt, mert emlékeztet arra, hogy mit nem bírsz elviselni magadban.
Hirtelen sokkal érdekesebbé válik olyan emberekkel dolgozni, akiket nem kedvelsz. Mert ha jobban megismered őket, és elfogadod azokat a részeket, amiket nem kedvelsz, akkor valójában jobban megismered önmagad, és elfogadod azokat a részeket, amiket nem kedvelsz.
Szóval, hogyan győzheted le a másokkal szembeni ellenszenvedet? Győzd le a saját magaddal szembeni ellenszenvedet.
Itt jöhet jól az a személy, akit nem kedvelsz. Használd őt arra, hogy jobban megértsd magad. Gondold át, miért van vele problémád. Mit csinál, ami ennyire zavar? Lépj túl azon, hogy nem tud megbeszéléseket vezetni vagy jó e-maileket írni, és térj rá arra, ami igazán zavar. Mi a személyiségében vagy viselkedésében, ami bosszúságot vagy undort vált ki belőled? Mit utálsz benne?
Ezután gondold át, hogy a válaszaid hogyan tükrözhetnek téged. Ez egy játék, és azzal nyersz, ha megtalálod magadban ezt a gyűlölt viselkedést.
Számomra Jeff azokat a tulajdonságokat tükrözte vissza bennem, amiket nem szerettem – azt, ahogyan önző, egocentrikus és önelégült tudok lenni.
Gondolj azokra az időkre, amikor kapzsinak, önzőnek, elutasítónak vagy egyenesen gonosznak érzed magad. Látod ezt? Érzed a vonzalmat és az undort is? Be tudod vallani magadnak, hogy ez nem fekete vagy fehér? Ez fekete-fehér. El tudsz élni az emberi mivoltod összetettségével? Ez a kulcsa annak, hogy együttérző legyél önmagaddal.
És az önmagaddal való együttérzés a kulcsa annak, hogy másokkal is együttérző legyél. Mielőtt észrevennéd, elkezded kedvelni azokat az embereket, akiket korábban soha. Talán még abban is kedved lesz, hogy segíts nekik produktívabban lebonyolítani a megbeszéléseket.
Most már könnyen látom magam Jeffben. Lehetek önző, egoista és önelégült. Még mindig nehéz ezt beismerni – különösen írásban –, de ez része annak, aki vagyok, és megfelelő adagban valójában jól szolgál.
És van egy további előnye annak, ha beismerem: most már kedvelem Jeffet.
COMMUNITY REFLECTIONS
SHARE YOUR REFLECTION
21 PAST RESPONSES
Weigh, measure and compare will feed the ego, close ourselves off from introspection and not serve our highest good. Stop these things and our compassion grows, nourishing the love within ourselves and feeds the soul and broadens our consciousness and hey, how could that be bad?
This fellow has a point, I think, in certain instances, but to write as if it's a broader answer and tact is an error.
He writes:
"In other words, chances are, the reason you can’t stand that person in the first place, is that they remind you of what you can’t stand about yourself.Suddenly, working with people you don’t like becomes a lot more interesting. Because getting to know them better, and accepting the parts of them you don’t like, is actually getting to know yourself better and accepting the parts of yourself you don’t like."
This is so simplistic: If somebody is obnoxious, arrogant, and disrespectful, that means so am
I ???? ..if I look deeply enough? I have a downside but it's not meanness of being unfair.
I imagine this is true for some, but not, by a long stretch, for many. It is possible for a person to be a selfish aggressor and mean spirited also (that being their primal agenda). Put that person in a 'one uP' hierarchy' and do it with a decent, civilized, well grounded person and you may have the same thing killers do their killed: Become king, because they can and will make the ultimate aggression.
O.K. enough of me and my shadow, I think the writer has a point but a very limited one.
My recommendation: consider the 'primal emotions' that many of these impossible situations elicit in even the most well adjusted person: protect yourself or perish.
[Hide Full Comment]That's just your own personal experience and personal thoughts I read you article thinking it may help me but unfortunately it didn't. Everyone's experiences are different... I work with someone who doesn't wash enough and brings a horrible stale stench in with her. On top of that she doesn't let anyone else speak and she has an incredibly loud voice even when speaking to someone right next to her. I'm happy to say I don't see these traits in myself so I'll have to look elsewhere for guidance.
I don't like 2 people I work with. I think they are just evil people. Not just to me, but hateful to others. I stay away as much as possible, but still have to deal with their attitudes, as we have to work closely at times. This approach may work for this individual, but my situation is different. That won't work. I don't know what to do.
Interesting! Grin and bear it! I can relate. :D
Quite unproductively contradictory approach. The qualities you did not like in yourself were found in Jeff too. Instead of correcting yourself or influencing Jeff, the ego and self-love goes on to accepting Jeff's evil part. Also it seems so important for your corporate world to perform at meetings that you are willing to sell your soul for it. This is not at all a happy ending of the triumph of good over evil... This is actually a sad story of Peter embraces bad to stay in fools paradise.
Good points to consider, however one may find after assessment, that some folks manipulate, lie, cheat, steal and "use" others for their gain. I would caution that these folks are basically harmful, even dangerous, and one needs to move away from these relationships. We have discernment for good reason; a protective device that needs to be listened to.
I have to partially disagree. When I think of people I actively dislike (and there are few), it's because of their behaviour which is completely alien to what I would do. For example, a particular karaoke host that regularly refuses to play my song, even though he plays everyone else's - I would NEVER treat anyone that way. I don't understand it, so I don't like it. Ditto an annoying ex- co worker who was arrogant and condescending, something I've never been in the workplace - even when I was placed in charge of others. The people who irritate me, sure, they have annoying qualities I can see in myself. But the people I truly dislike? No.
Our thoughts, feelings, and actions are totally our responsibility.. And I always love techniques for helping to add perspective! Especially ones that lead to compassion and understanding.. But, I must say that there's another side to the coin. I think having compassion for others is always good.. But as someone who tends to have an abundance of compassion for others, I would add that it's very important to know yourself and what behaviors, treatment, etc you accept and what you don't accept. I relate a lot to what Louise said.. about thinking that if you did everything "right" and always had compassion for others, and the right perspective, etc.. everything would be okay.. But it's not true. We can live through anything and take the perspective we want, but it's not my fault if someone says something cruel or is abusive in some way. I think this is especially hard for females, who are taught to be compassionate and to ignore anger. Treating yourself the way you want to be treating, not lowering yourself for anyone, and treating others respectfully is the key. If someone crosses one of your boundaries, it's important to address it, to set limits and respond accordingly. Everyone is truly amazing. And, treating them with respect, hopefully we will be able to relate and get along. If not, you've done what you can do. Sometimes people just take time to understand each other.. In the mean time, do what is good for you and others.. And hopefully they'll be a chance to connect down the line ;)
[Hide Full Comment]Generally people get angry with people who violate their personal set of rules. The catch is most people don't know what their personal rules are until someone else breaks them!
I think its great!!! GO jeff
I spent a lot of time and emotional energy taking this approach and I think that it can be quite harmful as a first step. You can end up thinking that all the negative experiences of relationship that you have is due to you and if only you could fix yourself things would be OK.
My first question now is, 'What do other people think of Jeff?' - if other people think that Jeff is a pain then perhaps he is and perhaps it is about grinning and bearing it if you have to work with him. If other people who have a similar relationship with Jeff like him then I will look to myself. But because we are often playing out problems from our family's past it may be that Jeff is OK with some people e.g. men rather than women or vice versa; bosses but not peers; or older or younger people. So it is important to see whether he is different with different people.
There are some people who are toxic - poisoning relationships in one sphere of their life or all spheres - I just get out of their way; there are some people who are very controlling - depending on what relationship I have with them I try to work with them; and there are my favourites - the passive aggressive people who think that they are very sweet and lovely but are skilled at making people feel bad/act badly. I would really hard to keep in adult and plan to steer clear of them in the future.
This is not about whether we can get on with people but about choosing to work with people who have a positive personality which brings value to your relationship with them. Sometimes it really is their problem.
[Hide Full Comment]Very well explained. I was talking with a friend at work about this very concept the other day and reading this reminds me once again that the HARD PART of that process is finding the reflection within myself.
The example that comes immediately to mind is that I have, for most of my life, taken a firm stance against prejudice of any kind (sometimes with amusing results.) On a particular notable occasion, I found myself "sounding off" to a friend about a mutual acquaintance who was, in my eyes, extremely narrow-minded and prejudiced and absolutely certain that HIS way of thinking was the ONLY RIGHT WAY and was being quite crude and insulting about people who thought another way. Well, I was totally frosted! And was, I confess, ranting about his belief that his way is the only right way and how can he possibly BE that way and why can't he understand that everyone has the right to believe and behave as....
And then I heard what I was saying. I was saying that HIS way of thinking was not okay and HE was not okay because he should think like I think. In other words, I finally found the mirror.
Finding the mirror doesn't mean that I agreed to adopt his stance. No, I'm still extremely prejudiced against prejudice. But I saw him in myself and I saw myself in him and was able to accept us both more fully as the imperfect and lovable "works in progress" that we are. It gave me two gifts. I got a better understanding of a part of myself I had never seen, loved or integrated. And it let me stop wanting to strangle him!
Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
[Hide Full Comment]I think this theory is sometimes true, but more often than not when we don't like someone it's because we are allowing ourselves to take on what they are projecting. If someone is mean and egocentric their goal will be to force everyone around them to feel the inadequacies they don't want to accept in themselves. If you take this projection on you will definitely feel angry and frustrated because you won't like the way it feels. It's not yours to own! As a therapist, I have to tolerate these kinds of projections all the time to get to the real underlying issue in the person.
Hm. What if you don't share the specific offending trait? I know someone who is cold hearted, and I don't like this person because of it. I am not a cold hearted person.
Thank you... boy did I need some perspective. This hit the nail on the head.
Interesting. There are really several interlinked issues here: 1. dealing with someone you don't like; 2. Defining the characteristics of why you don't like someone; 3. determining if there can be a way to have a productive working relationship with someone who has characteristics you don't like. Sometimes there are people who have characteristics that are so unalterable and so disruptive that the best thing to do is get rid of that person or find a way to get away from that person. Sometimes the things you don't like in that person have nothing to do with you having the same personal characteristics. I call these people assholes. There is a great idea in business theory called the No Asshole Rule which was later written into a book - http://www.amazon.com/The-A...
Since I own my own business, I often am meeting assholes who are new to me. In general, I choose not to take their business or, in some cases (like if they are only an asshole some of the time), I charge them more money than I'd charge someone else because they are going to take up more of my time. Sometimes you have a new client who reveals himself to be an asshole over time. The best thing to do in these cases is to finish the contract and don't do anymore work with the asshole.
Aside from assholes, there are sometimes people who you like but who have some characteristics that make them difficult to work with. The key here is to asses if this person has a core competency that you need, that will help you accomplish what you need to. If they do, then you make a decision to work with the person and find new/different ways for getting the project with this person to work.
Overall, the best rule of thumb is to assess whether the person in question has something of importance to bring to the table. Then assess whether the positive thing outweighs the negative thing. If the person brings more positive than negative, then figure out a way to make it work. However, if the person brings more negative than positive, cut your losses right away. Sometimes there is a case where the balance is equal. In these cases, I sometimes decide to take on trial project with the person to see if we can find a way to work together. If the project goes well, then we may move on to future projects. If it does not go well, we part ways professionally and respectably. I tell these clients this straight up at the beginning and I even put in what I call a "30-day out" clause. Either party can cancel the project at any time as long as they give 30 day notice.
[Hide Full Comment]I have long considered Matthew 7:3-5 to be the best verses of the Bible.
3 And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?4 Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye?5 Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother's eye.
So he decided those disgusting qualities were good things instead and that he should love himself more? How egotistical and self-serving! I hope you're satisfied....in yourself.
At the end of the day this fool learned nothing.
I totally agree with we are mirror image of others. I find one person dismissive. On reflection I find I have the same trait.
My father has a great number of expressions and the one that comes to mind as I read this is, "You hate in others that which you dislike in yourself."