KN：说实话，我深信自我关怀的好处，也觉得我想做的就是用实证研究来证明它的好处。如果没发现好处，我真不知道该怎么办。我可能还是会继续练习自我关怀，因为它对我有效，但如果数据没有显示出来，我肯定会有点不知所措。不过我必须承认，自我关怀和幸福感之间的关联之强确实让我感到惊讶——它们之间的关联非常牢固可靠。我当时想：“哇，我们好像发现了什么重要的东西。”
JM：回顾过去十年左右的研究，您认为哪些研究结果真正证明了自我关怀的好处？
KN：有数据表明，自我关怀与自尊一样，都能带来心理健康益处：减少抑郁、增加乐观、提升幸福感和生活满意度。但自我关怀的优势在于，它避免了自尊的弊端。自尊与自恋相关，而自我关怀则不然。正是自我关怀，而非自尊，能够预测自我价值感的稳定性——这种自我价值感不依赖于结果——以及更少的社会比较和更少的愤怒反应。
现在有很多关于健康行为的研究表明，善待自己的人会做出非常明智的健康选择。他们会出于内在原因进行更多锻炼，能够坚持自己的饮食计划，更频繁地去看医生，并采取更安全的性行为。所有这些研究都表明，善待自己不仅是一个好主意，它不仅能让你感觉良好，还能让你采取更健康的行为。
此外，善待自己的人对伴侣也更友善、更慷慨、更支持对方。
JM：这些研究结果听起来令人鼓舞，但它们是否仅仅反映了那些具有自我关怀意识的人也具备其他特质并实践这些行为？或者是否有研究表明自我关怀实际上是可以培养的，并且通过学习自我关怀，其他益处也会随之而来？
KN：是的，相关的研究已经存在，而且还会继续下去。关于正念减压疗法（MBSR，乔恩·卡巴金的疗法）及其带来的种种益处，已经有很多研究了。研究发现，参与该课程可以提升自我关怀；事实上，自我关怀或许是MBSR训练中最能提升幸福感的成果。
我提到的一些研究是基于短期干预的，对参与者进行为期四周的训练。但我和我的同事克里斯·格默（Chris Germer）开发了一个为期八周的项目，其结构与正念减压疗法非常相似。在这个项目中，我们每周花两小时，持续八周，探讨自我关怀，教授相关练习，进行自我关怀冥想和人际交往练习。我很快就能拿到数据，看看它是否真的能提升幸福感。我们已经进行了没有对照组的试点测试，结果非常好。
我觉得这可以引入学校教育。现在已经有人开始讨论在学校教授同情心了，所以我还想补充一点，那就是也要善待自己。
JM：这引出了你之前提到的一个观点。当你谈到在学校教授自我关怀时，我认为这可能会引起一些人的担忧。我想到我之前听到过的担忧：自我关怀会不会让人变得自满，缺乏自我提升和取得更大成就的动力？
KN：是的，这是一个非常普遍的担忧。实际上，我认为这是自我关怀的最大障碍：害怕如果我对自己太好，就会变得自满。
研究结果并非如此。研究表明，善待自己的人对自己的要求同样很高，但当他们未能达成目标时，不会像其他人那样沮丧——他们能更积极地应对。因此，善待自己的人即使没有达成目标，也更有可能重新振作，重新投入到新的目标中。
自我关怀与所谓的“学习目标”而非“表现目标”相关。因此，具有自我关怀的人，他们学习和成长本身就是一种目的，而不是为了给别人留下深刻印象。大量研究表明，如果你的目标是学习而非仅仅为了取悦他人，那么这是一种更可持续的学习和成长方式。
JM：所以，如果你可以改造我们的社会，使其更加注重自我关怀，你会怎么做？
KN：我认为我们对自尊和竞争的过度重视意味着我们必须改变现有的教育模式。这是我们想在学校里推广的吗？这是家长们想推广的吗？
我们不希望孩子们自我厌恶，我们希望他们觉得自己有价值，但人生难道仅仅是为了比别人更优秀吗？难道仅仅是为了出类拔萃、超越平均水平吗？还是说，人生的意义在于尽可能地快乐健康地生活，在于充分发挥自身的潜能？我认为，如果我们能在育儿和教育层面做出这种文化转变，我们就有机会在更大的宏观层面上带来真正的改变。
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This is the basis of Reiki healing.
I have been practicing also self-unconditional love (not in a narcissistic way) but in the same way as Kristin describes self-compassion. And it feels so good to just accept all of me. Where I can see that self-esteem is usually with expectations, that keep me more stressed out.. Compassion & Unconditional Love are basically the same for me.. With both, I usually see the whole picture, not parts.. and with the experience, I usually have understanding, & forgiveness automatically.. Namaste xo
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glad to see this circulated. kristin's work is beautiful! i have another thing by her to share with the cubs community at some point. thank you:-)
Great advice; it is about time that we all make self compassion an essential part of our every day life. For far too long we have criticised ourselves to the point of "beating ourselves to pulp". We rush around in this material world without giving quality time to our selves. Practising self compassion will change all of this and will lead one to live fulfilling, happy lives
Yes, during my Christian upbringing I must have misheard the scripture "Love your neighbour like as yourself" - I think I heard "Love your neighbour INSTEAD of yourself"! I then spent the next 50+ years running myself ragged looking after everyone else's needs except my own, until finally was diagnosed with an auto-immune disease last year. This is the body actually attacking itself, something I have done mentally and verbally for most of my life.
I am now learning to change my attitude towards myself and my life. I am learning to look after myself, eat healthily and do things which bring JOY into my life. Things are improving. I love the concept of "self-compassion" and feel I'm living proof that such an attitude really works.
Oh yes! Glad to know that Kristen's published a book on this, and is increasing the conversation in our society.
The Buddha taught that "All compassion begins with self-compassion," as did Christ "Love your neighbors like you love yourself." Self-compassion and self-care come from the feminine force and source within us all, and are our birthright. If society and spiritual lineages aren't teaching self-compassion, then we must master it for ourselves and teach it throughout our personal and public lives. Sometimes this may mean not fitting in to externally imposed rigid structures, or orthodoxy.For people whose brains are wired a bit more for communication and relationship, (many women and some men), we can lose authenticity and potential in the self-silencing that comes from ignoring the sustainable source of compassion: self-compassion.The patriarchal lineages of much of modern and ancient yoga & meditation schools have rarely valued self-compassion enough to make flexible structures/schedules that honor the cyclical nature of people (especially females) and family life. Much is made of self-mastery in the great eastern traditions, and I would say that without self-compassionate self-care, one cannot be a real master. :)
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