一个男人带着两个孩子，一个九岁左右的男孩和一个七岁左右的女孩，默默地走在我前面。男孩抬起头，跟他父亲说了些什么。他说的话激怒了他的父亲，父亲开始冲着男孩大吼大叫。我能看出男孩被父亲的话语击中时所感受到的痛苦。那一幕令人心碎。
接下来发生的事情让我感到意外，但其实不应该如此：父亲停止对他大喊大叫后，男孩转身打了妹妹。
想起那个男孩，我意识到自己——以及我认识的很多人——经常做着类似的事情。我们对某人说或做某事，其实是想对别人说或做。
有时候，这种情况就像那个男孩的例子一样显而易见。也许你认识这样的经理：他被老板训斥后，转而训斥自己的员工。
但很多时候，这种行为要隐晦得多。看到那个男孩打他妹妹后，我开始更加注意自己的言行。我本该对另一个人说的话，却用在了对另一个人身上？
很难发现自己有这种行为。起初，我什么也没注意到。但我一直在观察。我甚至花了几天时间试着少说话，只是留意自己说话的冲动，然后探究这种冲动从何而来。我当时是在和合适的人说话吗？
一种模式开始显现，我为此感到尴尬，但却难以忽视：我做某些事、说某些话，都是为了给别人留下深刻印象，即使是对我不认识的人。
暂且不谈试图给别人留下深刻印象其实很没品。我为什么要这么做？我真的会在意完全陌生的人怎么看我吗？我到底想给谁留下深刻印象？
我反复思考这个问题时，脑海中不断浮现出一个人的身影：我的母亲。
小时候，像大多数孩子一样，我渴望讨她欢心。但长大后，我们就不会这样了，对吧？
显然我不是。我努力向别人展示我的成功——哪怕是通过吹嘘或炫耀——因为在我内心深处，我相信这样做会加深母亲对我的爱。换句话说，我试图让别人注意到那些对我母亲来说重要的事情。
我知道这很疯狂。但因为生父亲的气而打妹妹也很疯狂。这或许很疯狂，但我们就是这么做的。
但我们不必如此。仅仅认识到这种动态的荒谬性就大有裨益。
我现在不太在意别人的看法，更注重自己的感受。我更平静了，也不再那么渴望赞扬。我的言行举止也更加深思熟虑。这种巨大的变化让我感到震惊。
不过，我还有很长的路要走。但到目前为止，这一转变之路却出奇地顺利：
- 认识到这种动态。首先最容易在别人身上发现。然后留意自己身上是否存在这种动态。仅仅是你在阅读这篇文章，就已经提高了你对它的认识。如果你想更深入地了解，不妨花点时间回想一下过去几天，留意一下你是否说过或做过一些在当时看来不必要或不恰当的事情。你当时真的是在和眼前的听众说话吗？
- 克制住这种冲动。一旦你意识到自己正在玩弄花招，就要在对不该说的人说出不该说的话之前及时止损。一个方法就是尽量减少说话。只需觉察自己想要说话的冲动即可。说话会释放这种冲动带来的紧张感，反而会让你更难发现其背后的真正原因。另一方面，未被满足的冲动却在诉说着一个故事。它揭示了内心的不安全感、渴望、向往和恐惧。只要这种冲动得不到满足，不安全感或向往就会不断累积，并变得更加明显。
如果你对某个员工感到生气，试着不要立刻表达出来，先探究一下你这种情绪背后的原因。这种愤怒从何而来？如果你感到被某个同事吓到，在默默离开之前，先停下来问问自己为什么会感到害怕。那个同事很危险吗？或者他让你想起了某个根本不存在的人？
我并非提倡压制。别假装自己不生气或不害怕——那样做无济于事，而且肯定会适得其反。相反，你应该问问自己为什么会感到生气或害怕。当然，答案可能是你的员工是个白痴，或者你的同事是个恶霸。但通常情况下，当你深入思考时，你会发现站在你面前的其实是另一个人。
这种发现就是自由。它让你摆脱本能行为的束缚，使你能够选择更好的应对方式，从而建立更有益的人际关系。
今天早上醒来，我焦虑不已。我坐在书桌前，面前列着一长串待办事项，还没开始就感觉自己落后了。压力越来越大：我怎么会让自己陷入这种境地？这时，我五岁的儿子丹尼尔走进房间，我立刻感到烦躁。我真想告诉他别打扰我。
不过，在做出反应之前，我想起了那个男人，他冲着儿子大吼，儿子又打了妹妹。我不想让这种恶性循环继续下去。我不是生丹尼尔的气，而是生自己的气。我深吸一口气，转过身，笑了。恶性循环结束了。
我的奖励？一个拥抱，一个微笑，以及你能想象到的最甜蜜的吻。
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I've been angry at my ex-wife for 14 years. I've always known that most of that anger is anger with myself for allowing her to treat me the way she did. I've been trying to get over it, to stop being angry at her and at myself, but it's difficult. At least I recognize that anger for what it is. I suppose that's a healthy step.
Very beautiful article ^^
May God bless you
Great article. I notice I've been angry at my wife of 39 years even though she could not be more loving and accepting of me. What gives? I'm going to consider who I'm really mad at. Thank you.
Thank you. I have noticed this in myself but have felt fairly powerless to do much other than regret it afterward. The advice to slow down and observe the crazy in my own brain before speaking is spot on.
In PSI Seminars they call those programs. I've started to write a book. I'm not telling you this because I want you to buy my book. After all I'm not selling it. There will only ever be one copy and anyone who wants to read it can, but it's really for me. It's called the Programming guide to Marc Roth. I recognized a program thanks to this post. It's called Impress your mother. Thank you for sharing.
This would have been more inspiring except for the fact that halfway through he points to his mother for his inability to learn intrapersonal communication as an independent adult...if that were valid i would have been in rough shape at a very early age. Although he does admit HE failed to outgrow the pleaser mode. Self-realization does come to some sooner than others...and more emphasis on the fact that the choices we make as adult thinking individuals is our own.
Sorry that last link doesn't seem to work. Here is a link to Peter Bregman's TEDx talk on You Tube
http://www.youtube.com/watc...
I had the pleasure of hearing Peter speak at TEDx MillRiver in April on the freedom that comes with admitting "I don't know" http://www.youtube.com/watc...
It was a wonderful TEDx event on the theme Revolutionary Innovation. My dyslexic husband shared the stage with Peter speaking on compensating for his disabilities with creativity. http://www.youtube.com/watc...
much of the misbehavior of children adults, celebrities ,leaders are high lighted in the media. glorification of trivialities should change. the media should have self restraint in its depiction.
Now that was an amazing article. I'm putting the advice into practice today.