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prijatelj koji je dolazio k meni, nakon što bi me zamolio za dopuštenje, svako poslijepodne oko 16:00 sati, posjeo me na stolicu u dnevnoj sobi, izuo mi cipele i čarape te mi masirao stopala. Gotovo nikad nije ništa rekao - bio je kvekerski starješina - a ipak bi, intuitivno, s vremena na vrijeme rekao vrlo kratku riječ, poput: „Osjećam tvoju borbu danas“ ili, kasnije, „Osjećam da si u ovom trenutku malo jači i drago mi je zbog toga.“ Ali osim toga, gotovo ništa ne bi rekao. Ne bi davao savjete. Jednostavno bi s vremena na vrijeme izvještavao o onome što je intuitivno osjećao u vezi s mojim stanjem. Nekako je pronašao jedino mjesto u mom tijelu, naime, tabane, gdje sam mogao iskusiti neku vrstu veze s drugim ljudskim bićem. I čin masiranja jednostavno - na način za koji stvarno nemam riječi - održavao me povezanim s ljudskom rasom.</p><p> Ono što je on uglavnom učinio za mene, naravno, bilo je to što je bio spreman biti prisutan uz mene u mojoj patnji. Jednostavno je bio uz mene na ovaj vrlo tih, vrlo jednostavan, vrlo taktilan način. I nikada nisam uspjela pronaći riječi da u potpunosti izrazim svoju zahvalnost za to, ali znam da je to napravilo ogromnu razliku. I to je za mene postalo metafora vrste zajednice koju trebamo proširiti na ljude koji pate na ovaj način, a to je zajednica koja nije ni nametljiva prema misteriju ni izbjegava patnju, već je spremna držati ljude u prostoru, svetom prostoru odnosa, gdje nekako ta osoba koja je na tamnoj strani Mjeseca može dobiti malo samopouzdanja da može doći na drugu stranu.</p><p> [ <em>glazba: “Traveler” od Jacoba Montaguea</em> ]</p><p> <b>GĐA. TIPPETT:</b> Ja sam Krista Tippett, a ovo je <em>O Biću</em> .</p><p> Depresija se provlači kroz književnost i poeziju svake kulture. Od antičke Grčke do srednjovjekovnog arapskog svijeta pa sve do modernog Zapada, često se nazivala "melankolija". Psalmist hebrejske Biblije više je puta pisao o "jami očaja". Španjolski mistik iz 16. stoljeća, Ivan od Križa, napisao je izraz "tamna noć duše". I postoji sve veća budistička literatura o takvim temama. Moja sljedeća gošća, Anita Barrows, prakticira theravada budizam veći dio svog odraslog života i živi s depresijom otkad zna za sebe; prije svega, kroz život sa svojom majkom.</p><p> <b><img alt="" src="https://i1.wp.com/api.onbeing.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/11/barrows.jpg?resize=360%2C360%20360w%22" style="border-style:solid; border-width:1px; float:left; height:200px; margin:7px; width:200px" /> GĐA. BARROWS</b> : Moja majka bi govorila stvari poput: „Razgovaram s Bogom. Razgovaram izravno s Bogom, a on mi odgovara.“ I uvijek sam kao dijete imala sliku da je Bog ovaj starac, napola obrijan, u kućnom ogrtaču, koji je imao izravnu telefonsku liniju sa Sylvijom, mojom majkom, ali nije učinio puno da joj pomogne. [ <em>smijeh</em> ] Uvijek sam — mislila sam: „Ako ima tako izravnu liniju, zašto je ne izliječi?“</p><p> I ono što su mi rekli o mojoj majci koja je toliko dugo bila u krevetu bilo je da ima bradavice na stopalima. Bilo je pomalo čudno što su mi to rekli. A bradavice su imale divno ime. Imale su talijansko ime - bilo je "verruca", što mi je zvučalo kao hebrejska molitva, "Baruch atah." [ <em>smijeh</em> ] I tako sam bila nekako fascinirana tom riječju.</p><p> Ali sjedila bih ispred vrata majčine spavaće sobe i čula bih je kako plače ili bih samo čekala da se probudi, i to je u velikoj mjeri bilo iskustvo mog djetinjstva. Sjećam se čak i vrlo snažnog osjećaja, prolaska kroz vrata. Živjeli smo u stanu tijekom tog srednjeg dijela mog djetinjstva, od moje sedme do desete godine. I sjećam se kako sam prošla kroz vrata i stvarno osjetila promjenu atmosfere u odnosu na živopisni vanjski svijet, gdje sam voljela biti - bez obzira na vrijeme, voljela sam biti vani - i ušla bih unutra i osjetila bih neku vrstu propusne tame. I to je bila majčina depresija.</p><p> <b>GĐA. TIPPETT</b> : To je nevjerojatna slika. Već dolazite do nečega što želim pokušati iznijeti na vidjelo, a to je: depresija je nešto što su mnogi od nas iskusili, bilo sami ili preko drugih, i o tome govorimo s medicinskog i psihološkog stajališta, ali „propusna tama“ je zapravo - to je zaista dobar opis cjelovitosti tog pokrova koji baca.</p><p> <b>GĐA. BARROWS</b> : Da; propusno, u smislu da sam mogla sama ući i izaći iz njega, staviti ruku u njega i osjetiti kako se osjeća. I mislim da je to svakako nešto s čime je moja majka živjela cijeli život; i to je stanje koje je i meni poznato, iako sam ga živjela drugačije nego moja majka.</p><p> [ <em>glazba: “Tokyo Ghost Story” od Arovanea</em> ]</p><p> <b>GĐA. TIPPETT:</b> Anita Barrows prvi put se borila s depresijom sa 17 godina, nakon što je otišla od kuće zbog fakulteta. Zatim, nakon rođenja svog prvog, dugo očekivanog djeteta kada je imala 31 godinu, doživjela je teški kolaps. Ta je depresija imala organski uzrok - autoimunu bolest štitnjače; i nakon mnogih lažnih dijagnoza, bila je lako izlječiva. Ali kao i svi mi koje je pogodila depresija, bez obzira na njezin okidač ili oblik, Anita Barrows ostaje obilježena prisutnošću ove bolesti u svom životu i aktivno je prihvaća.</p><p> Kao psihologinja, upozorava da budističko prihvaćanje unutarnje tame može biti zastrašujuće, pa čak i opasno, u dubinama kliničke depresije. No, poput Andrewa Solomona i Parkera Palmera, ona poštuje međuigru između tame i svjetla kao uobičajenu značajku života. To je istraživala pišući poeziju i prevodeći djela drugih. Zajedno s budističkom znanstvenicom Joannom Macy, Anita Barrows stvorila je zapanjujući - i moj omiljeni - prijevod <em>Časoslovlja</em> Rainera Marie Rilkea. A kao psihologinja koja je ujedno i ljubiteljica jezika, žali se da sama riječ "depresija" ne čini pravdu ovom ljudskom iskustvu.</p><p> <b>GĐA. BARROWS</b> : To gotovo postaje način da se to odbaci. Mnogo, mnogo više to vidim kao neku vrstu molskog akorda koji je stalna pratnja nečijem životu. Ja sam…</p><p> <b>GĐA. TIPPETT</b> : Za bilo koji život? Ili za život osobe koja je…</p><p> <b>GĐA. BARROWS</b> : Mnogim životima - pa, mislim životu osobe koja je sklona u tom smjeru. Rilke je volio tamu, i postoje mnoge pjesme u kojima govori o tami na način koji me, mislim, privukao ovim pjesmama. Mogu li pročitati jednu? „Volim mračne sate svog bića. / Moj um se udubljuje u njih. / Tamo mogu pronaći, kao u starim pismima, / dane svog života, već proživljene, / i čuvane poput legende i shvaćene. / Tada dolazi spoznaja: mogu se otvoriti / drugom životu koji je širok i bezvremenski. / Tako sam ponekad poput drveta / koje šušti nad grobnim mjestom / i ostvaruje san / onoga kojeg njegovi živi korijeni / grle: / san nekoć izgubljen / među tugama i pjesmama.“</p><p> „Volim mračne sate svog bića“, kaže. Mislim da je u mom životu svakako bilo trenutaka kada je depresivno raspoloženje - to je tako strašna riječ - mračno raspoloženje.</p><p> <b>GĐA. TIPPETT:</b> Znam.</p><p> <b>GĐA. BARROWS:</b> To je riječ koja je poprimila toliko trulih konotacija. Sada je to svojevrsni medicinski izraz. Želim je iskupiti iz medicinskog i kliničkog. Postoji točka u depresiji koja je toliko razorna da bi itko, samo gledajući unatrag, poželio reći: „Pa, drago mi je da sam dotaknuo dno, jer sada znam što je to.“ Ali ova druga vrsta života s tamom, koja mi je toliko poznata, mislim da je vrlo duhovno mjesto. Postoji vrsta sazrijevanja koja se događa na tom mjestu: smirivanje, slušanje; mjesto neaktivnosti.</p><p> <b>GĐA. TIPPETT</b> : Pa, i također, gubitak iluzija o tome što će vas aktivnost dovesti.</p><p> <b>GĐA. BARROWS</b> : Upravo tako. Sve što možete učiniti na tom mjestu jest sjediti, slušati i biti - i biti vrlo jednostavan. Rilke, opet, kaže: „Budite skromni sada, poput stvari koja sazrijeva dok ne postane stvarna, kako bi vas onaj koji vas je stvorio mogao pronaći kada vas dohvati.“</p><p> [ <em>glazba: “The Winter Day Declining” od This Patch of Sky</em> ]</p><p> <b>GĐA. TIPPETT</b> : Evo Anite Barrows kako čita pjesmu iz <em>Časoslova</em> Rainera Marije Rilkea, koju je prevela s Joannom Macy.</p><p> <b>MS. BARROWS</b> : „Ne iznenađuje te snaga oluje—/ vidio si je kako raste./ Drveće bježi. Njihov bijeg/ pokreće bulevar kako teče. I znaš:/ onaj od koga bježe je onaj/ prema kome se krećeš. Sva tvoja osjetila/ pjevaju mu, dok stojiš na prozoru./ Tjedni su stali ljeti./ Krv drveća se uzdigla. Sada osjećaš/ da želi potonuti natrag/ u izvor svega. Mislio si/ da možeš vjerovati toj moći kada si ubrao plod;/ sada to opet postaje zagonetka/ a ti opet stranac./ Ljeto je bilo poput tvoje kuće: znao/ znao si/ gdje svaka stvar stoji./ Sada moraš izaći u svoje srce/ kao na prostranu ravnicu. Sada/ počinje golema usamljenost./ Dani utrnu, vjetar/usisava svijet iz tvojih osjetila poput uvenulog lišća./ Kroz prazne grane nebo ostaje./ To je ono što imaš./ Budi sada zemlja i večernja pjesma./ Budi tlo koje leži pod tim nebom./ Budi sada skroman, poput stvari/ sazrele dok ne postane stvarna,/ tako da on koji je sve započeo / može te osjetiti kad te posegne za sobom.</p><p> [ <em>glazba: “The Winter Day Declining” od This Patch of Sky</em> ]</p><p> <b>GĐA. BARROWS</b> : Odjednom, u depresiji, bivate istrgnuti iz onoga što se činilo kao vaš život, iz onoga što se činilo ispravnim, poznatim, uravnoteženim, običnim i uređenim, i jednostavno ste bačeni na ovo mjesto gdje ste opustošeni, gdje vjetar čupa lišće s drveća, i tu ste vi - prava, prava duša u depresiji.</p><p> <b>GĐA. TIPPETT</b> : I riječ „stranac“ unutra, što znači potpuno otuđenje ne samo od drugih već i od sebe.</p><p> <b>GĐA. BARROWS</b> : Ah, od sebe samog, upravo to. To je najgore od svega.</p><p> <b>GĐA. TIPPETT</b> : Ne znam - postoji taj paradoks koji se provlači kroz sve razgovore koje vodim o ovoj temi i razmišljam - i vi to ponovno spominjete, a to je da depresija, na kraju, može donijeti zrelost i rast i neku vrstu duhovnog uvida i veće duše, tako bi to neki ljudi rekli. Ali u tom trenutku - u dubini tog iskustva - to je ono što je potpuno isključeno, ta vrsta promišljanja.</p><p> <b>GĐA. BARROWS</b> : Da, točno.</p><p> <b>GĐA. TIPPETT</b> : Mislim, što to znači? Što je ovo?</p><p> <b>GĐA. BARROWS</b> : Upravo tako. Ne, mislim da je to apsolutno točno. I mislim da se sav taj razgovor o tome „Oh, pa, ovo će biti stvarno dobro za tvoju dušu ili tvoj karakter. Ovo će od tebe napraviti bolju osobu“ - čini kao apsolutna glupost kada si usred bijede depresije. Ali mislim da se na neki način to gotovo čini fiziološkim. Kad bi duša bila materijalna, mislim da depresija djeluje na nju kao što biste mogli obrađivati komad gline, tako da omekša i postane savitljivija. Postaje šira. Postaje sposobnija upiti više.</p><p> Ali to je tek poslije. U vatri, ono što dobiješ je vatra.</p><p> [ <em>glazba: “G tintinabulum” od Chapeliera Foua</em> ]</p><p> <b>GĐA. BARROWS</b> : A ovo je pjesma pod nazivom „Questo Muro“. To je fraza iz odlomka Danteovog <em>Čistilišta</em> . Dante je bio u dubinama depresije, u dubinama pakla, i sada se iz njega probija prema Beatrice, koja je - mogli biste je nazvati dušom ili animom. I on i Vergilije penju se na planinu, i odjednom dođu do zida od vatre, i ne možete dalje osim ako ne prođete kroz njega. Dakle, ovo je moja pjesma. I to je zaista pjesma, mislim, o pronalaženju hrabrosti da se ustraje, da se prođe kroz tu vatru.</p><p> „Questo Muro“ — „Doći ćeš na zavoju staze / do zida od plamena / Nakon teškog uspona i iscrpljenog sanjarenja / doći ćeš do mjesta gdje će se on / s kojim si hodao tako daleko / zaustaviti, stati / pokraj tebe na opasnoj strmoj stazi / i zuriti dok drhtiš u pokretni zid, plamen / koji ti blokira pogled na ono što / dolazi poslije. I onaj / za kojeg si mislio da će te uvijek pratiti, / koji ti je nježno držao lice / nakratko u rukama - / koji je pritisnuo dlanove u natopljenu travu / i oprao s tvojih obraza tragove suza - / on ti sada govori / da sve što stoji između tebe / i svega što znaš od početka / je ovo: ovaj zid. Između tebe / i voljenog, između tebe i tvoje radosti, / obale rijeke koja se njiše od divljeg cvijeća, zraka / sunčeve svjetlosti na stijeni, pjesma. / Hoćeš li sada proći kroz to, hoćeš li dopustiti da proguta / kakvu god čvrstoću ovo / nazivaš svojim životom, i poslati / te van, drhtaj vrućine, / a sjaj, promijenjena / treperava stvar?”</p><p> [ <em>glazba: “Baby Saige” od The Album Leaf</em> ]</p><p> <b>GĐA. TIPPETT:</b> „Questo Muro“ Anite Barrows. Njezina najnovija zbirka poezije je <em>Mi smo glad</em> . S Joannom Macy prevela je <em>Rilkeov Časoslov: Ljubavne pjesme Bogu</em> . Za kraj su ovdje posljednji stihovi jedne od pjesama Anite Barrows pod naslovom „Rad srca“.</p><p> <b>GĐA. BARROWS</b> : „Nešto / što je bilo zaustavljeno / počinje se kretati: list / nošen strujom o stijenu / oslobađa se, ponovno pronalazi put / kroz tekuću vodu. Kut / svjetla / je nizak, ali ipak ispunjava / ovaj prostor u kojem se nalazimo. Ono što me prekida / ponekad je obilje. I moja tuga, / koja je rasla tijekom ljeta / osjećam jutros / kao da bih je dodirnula / tamo gdje je debela tamna stabljika / spojena s korijenom, oslobodila bi se / cijelog, bilo bi nešto što bih mogla upotrijebiti.“</p><p> [ <em>glazba: “Baby Saige” od The Album Leaf</em> ]</p><p> <b>GĐA. TIPPETT</b> : Ranije tijekom ovog sata čuli ste Parkera Palmera i Andrewa Solomona. Parker piše o depresiji u svojoj knjizi <em>Neka tvoj život govori</em> . Uskoro će objaviti novu knjigu pod nazivom <em>Na rubu svega: Grace, Gravity i starenje</em> .</p><p> Andrew Solomon je autor knjige <em>Podnevni demon: Atlas depresije</em> . Njegovi nedavni radovi uključuju <em>Daleko od drveta: Roditelji, djeca i potraga za identitetom</em> .</p><p> Vrsta promišljanja i učenja koju su ti ljudi postigli putem depresije dar je vremena. Ako ste vi ili netko koga poznajete sada depresivan, polako potražite pomoć. Nacionalni institut za mentalno zdravlje ima web stranicu nimh.nih.gov. Nacionalni savez za mentalne bolesti ili NAMI nudi informacije o lokalnoj podršci i resursima. Njihov broj je 1 (800) 950-6264; 1 (800) 950-NAMI.</p><p> [ <em>glazba: “Sky Could Undress” od Balmorhee</em> ]</p><p> <b>OSOBLJE:</b> <em>O Biti su</em> Chris Heagle, Lily Percy, Mariah Helgeson, Maia Tarrell, Marie Sambilay, Malka Fenyvesi, Erinn Farrell, Laurén Dørdal, Tony Liu, Brettina Davis, Bethany Iverson, Erin Colasacco, Kristin Lin i Jeffrey Bissoy.</p><p> <b>GĐA. TIPPETT:</b> Našu prekrasnu glazbenu temu osigurala je i skladala Zoë Keating. 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