Una part de les meves pràctiques d'estiu a ServiceSpace.org va consistir a iniciar converses amb gent que no coneixia, i una pregunta que els feia era què saben del cert de la vida? Alguna cosa que saben amb certesa. Quan em van fer aquesta pregunta inicialment, la resposta immediata que em va venir al cap va ser la mort. La mort és a tot arreu. I no vull dir que la mort sigui a tot arreu en un sentit cínic o morbid, sinó que la mort és una part inevitable de la vida. En lloc de veure la mort com una cosa bona o dolenta, simplement és una cosa que passa.
Quan tenia 12 anys, vaig anar a un internat que també era un temple. Els meus pares van venir a recollir-me per a les vacances d'hivern. La meva mare tenia previst quedar-se al temple per a un retir, però li vaig suplicar que tornés, ja que finalment seria a casa. La meva mare em va escoltar i vam començar a tornar cap a casa meva. S'acostava el capvespre i plovia a bots i barrals. Per primera vegada des que havia anat a l'internat, els meus pares i jo teníem una conversa feliç al cotxe sense cap signe de discussió. No puc dir que recordi el moment exacte que va passar; ni tan sols puc dir que recordi que passés en absolut. El següent que recordo vagament és despertar-me en un llit d'hospital, i durant els següents dies vaig anar entrant i sortint de la consciència.
La mort t'arrenca d'una relació i, en gran mesura, nosaltres som la suma total de les nostres relacions. La relació entre una mare i un fill és especialment única i irreemplaçable. Com li dius a un fill que aquesta relació s'ha trencat per la mort? No recordo explícitament que em diguessin que la meva mare va morir al lloc de l'accident de cotxe, però em va impactar quan només érem el meu germà, el meu pare i jo a casa.
Hi ha una cita que diu: "Quan algú que estimes mor, i no t'ho esperes, no la perds de cop; la perds a trossos al llarg de molt de temps". I així és com em vaig sentir durant molt de temps. Afrontar el dol de petit és una cosa molt peculiar. El funeral de la meva mare va ser exactament una setmana després de la seva mort, i jo amb prou feines podia processar el que havia passat en aquell moment. Estava insensible i no sabia què sentir.
La mort és tan abrupta i sobtada que entrem en una mena de xoc. Aquell final abrupte i després ja no hi ha més. Ja no cal tornar enrere a tot el que s'ha fet, ja no hi ha més coses que haurien estat. És després d'aquell moment que ho canvia tot que tot és massa tard. I aquesta va ser probablement la pitjor part de tot: el dolor de no saber com seria si la meva mare fos allà per als grans i petits esdeveniments de la meva vida, del món. Durant anys no vaig saber què fer amb el dolor, i probablement es va manifestar de maneres de les quals ni tan sols era conscient.
Però amb el temps arribes a reconciliar-te amb aquesta pèrdua. No és que hi estiguis d'acord, sinó que aprens a acceptar-la tal com és.
«El dol pot ser una càrrega, però també una àncora. T'acostumes al pes [i t'acostumes a] com et manté al teu lloc». La mort de la meva mare es va convertir en una àncora; en certa manera em pesava. Em vaig trobar parlant de la seva mort molt més del necessari. Era com una cançó trista que es repetia en un tocadiscos trencat. Vaig intentar fer que semblés que el fet que jo, sent tan precoç i responsable després de la mort de la meva mare, era d'alguna manera triomfant i mostrava força. Tot i que la seva mort ha estat una de les pitjors experiències de la meva vida, vaig arribar a comprendre que aquesta no era la primera cosa dolenta que em passava, i probablement no seria l'última. La mort pot donar una visió obscura i distorsionada de la realitat.
En altres sentits, la mort de la meva mare va ser una àncora en el sentit que em va ajudar a mantenir els peus a terra. Quan passen altres coses no tan bones, si em dono una mica de temps i faig un pas enrere, el disgust es fa menor. En lloc de veure-ho com un esdeveniment aïllat d'alguna cosa dolenta, puc veure el panorama general. En el gran esquema de les coses, aquests moments de patiment es complementen amb moments d'alegria. Sense la meva mare a prop, m'he acostat molt més al meu pare i la nostra relació és fantàstica. Aquest contacte amb la mort m'ha fet apreciar també altres relacions que tinc a la meva vida. Ja sigui per la mort o per alguna altra cosa, mai se sap quan algú pot marxar permanentment de la teva vida, i no vols donar per fet el temps que tens amb ell. La seva mort m'ha ajudat a ser més oberta i a demanar suport als altres, i he conegut una gran quantitat de persones dinàmiques. I de maneres subtils, la seva mort m'ha ensenyat a ser més humil davant la vida.
La mort és una cosa estranya. Tot i que passa tot el temps, et pot sorprendre. Ser humà és acceptar completament com reacciones i afrontes la mort. No deixar-te superar per ella, no obsessionar-te amb ella. Però no deixar que s'escapi massa lluny com perds la immediatesa d'aquesta realitat. Perquè és en perdre alguna cosa amb què ens identifiquem tan estretament que podem començar a trobar-nos a nosaltres mateixos.
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I came close to losing my husband a year ago. He has struggled and suffered tremendously this last year and now I see he is slowly getting ready to pass on. I've been learning what grief is, when life takes from you, that which you experience as a foundation is gone. Everything you relate to, formed by the relationship molding your your experience is transformed. Change is the one thing we can learn to embrace and are certain to face, as we proceed down the path of life. Finding who we are as individuals woven into the threads of the fabric of life, ever intertwined. Knowing that what we have shared with those close to us, never ceases to influence and in some instances becomes more pronounced, when a person is no longer in direct contact physical contact with us. The tracks of the aura left by that person seem to comfort and remind us how we've been shaped by our experiences with them.
I appreciate you sharing such a personal story, in such a mature way. It is all about perspective and thank you for your wisdom.
amazing... I have lost a loved one recently but I hVE TO ACCEPT IT..(
THANK YOU FOR SHARING ...
Thank you Thao for sharing your life and for me to learn my lessons . My father and father in law passed away 21 years ago within a month of each other and till today there is an emptiness within me . They were good human beings and I keep remembering and implementing in my life the values and examples they set forth in their lives . Blessings to you .
Thao-- you have no idea what it meant for me to read your story today. Yesterday I asked my mother (whom I also lost when I was 12) to send me a sign about a really tough relationship decision I have recently made. Was it the right one? Could she somehow let me know that I had done the right thing? And, to my disbelief, 6 hours later, your words appeared in my inbox. Through you, she has reminded me of that critically important aspect of life that we often lose touch of: perspective. When you can cope with losing the most important person in your life, you learn that life will go on and to take nothing for granted--especially yourself. So thank you for being the messenger through whom my mother could reach me today. All the best to you.
Thao Phi, The last words you spoke, in the recording of your story, were "thank you for listening". Well I'd like to say "thank you for sharing!" Please continue "talking" (writing) . . . we WILL glad-fully listen to you as your mother now does from heaven. Though physically not present, spiritually, your mom is more present than she has ever been before. You are a strong young lady! Much love to you!
Mothers unconditional love never dies, Life andDeaths are two side of the same coin,spiritualy death is to physical body not soul.we just change clothes.one of my 92 yearfriend use to say every morning with cup of coffee - I hope you live always and I never die.life is creation of lord,we are all his children so our true self is also eternal always love navin
As a parent I can say that if I had to go in a car accident like your mom did, it would mean a lot to me that the last act I did was show my willingness to be flexible for the girl I adore the most. Knowing that you survived and found the power to keep living is that much more valuable. Make the most of your life, find your way and experience it to it's fullest and her dreams will continue to come true. If I had one wish it would be for my children to have that.
We
bereaved are not alone. We belong to the largest company in all the world--the
company of those who have known suffering - Helen Keller
We
bereaved are not alone. We belong to the largest company in all the world--the
company of those who have known suffering - Helen Keller –
A person dies but a relationship never dies.
That is the beauty of death.
Bless you, Thao.
At 16 I performed CPR on my mom in the middle of the night, and although she never regained consciousness she remained alive three more days - long enough for the rest of the family to say their good-byes.
You have captured the feeling of the finality of death very well here. That helpless feeling of not being able to go back, and the final acceptance that it is, what it is.
It is hard to go through the big milestones of life without a mother. I married, had two children (buried my dad, two brothers and a sister along the way too), and at age 50 I still wonder. . . who was she? Who would she be as an older woman? What were her dreams? What would she say about my choices in life?
I don't think about her as much as I used to, but did today reading your story. I like your reminder to "not ... let it slip too far away that you lose the immediacy of this
[Hide Full Comment]reality. Because it's in losing something that we so closely identify
with that we can begin to find ourselves."
Thanks for sharing this Thao. You describe your experience of loss so poignantly. I've posted your final words on my Facebook page, Joyful Mourning. Check it out. http://facebook.com/joyfulm...
sorry, and thank you, i understand completely, Ive loss so many pple, im almost alone, and it does make you realize whats important and whats not. theres one thing I checked on was 150 000 pple die every day, so if you are going through it know your your not alone, there is 149 999 other pple feeling the same as you. :)
My closest encounter with death was in 2011, July when i lost my dearly adored wife. We had been married for 7 years. I had never been so deeply devastated in my entire life. My central purpose for existence had been shifted, and shifted forever. Since then, i have learned to appreciate the gift of life more than ever before, but most importantly, i am constantly happy that i once shared my life with the most beautiful and sweetest soul on earth.
My mother was killed when I was 15, and I can so relate to this writer. I am 71 now, and I still think of my mother every day. I believe that experience has enlarged my life in so many ways I can still hardly imagine. We will all experience it, but an early death changes everything forever.
I am not scared of death, but have a feeling that it must be the most peaceful passage from earthly dwelling to the unknown. Feel like experiencing it