ServiceSpace.org- en egindako udako praktikaldiaren zati bat ezagutzen ez nituen pertsonekin elkarrizketak hastea izan zen, eta egiten nien galdera bat zen zer dakiten ziur bizitzan? Ziurtasunez dakiten zerbait. Hasieran galdera hau egin zidatenean, burura etorri zitzaidan berehalako erantzuna heriotza izan zen. Heriotza nonahi dago. Eta ez dut esan nahi heriotza nonahi dagoenik zentzu ziniko edo morboso batean, baizik eta heriotza bizitzaren zati saihestezina da. Heriotza gauza on edo txar gisa ikusi beharrean, gertatzen den zerbait da, besterik gabe.
12 urte nituenean, barnetegi batera joan nintzen, tenplu bat ere bazena. Nire gurasoak neguko oporretan jasotzera etorri ziren. Nire amak tenpluan erretiro bat egiteko geratzeko asmoa zuen, baina erregutu nion itzultzeko, azkenean etxean egongo bainintzen. Nire amak entzun zidan, eta nire etxera itzultzen hasi ginen. Ilunabarra hurbiltzen ari zen, eta euria ari zuen. Barnetegira joan nintzenetik lehen aldiz, nire gurasoek eta biok autoan elkarrizketa alai bat izaten ari ginen, eztabaidarik gabe. Ezin dut esan gertatu zen une zehatza gogoratzen dudanik; ezin dut esan ere gertatu zenik gogoratzen dudanik. Lauso gogoratzen dudan hurrengo gauza ospitaleko ohe batean esnatu nintzela da, eta hurrengo egunetan kontzientzia galdu eta sartu nintzen.
Heriotzak harreman batetik erauzten zaitu eta neurri handi batean gure harremanen batura gara. Ama eta seme-alaben arteko harremana bereziki bakarra eta ordezkaezina da. Nola esan haur bati heriotzak harreman hori hautsi duela? Ez dut gogoratzen espresuki esan zidatela ama auto istripuaren lekuan hil zela, baina konturatu nintzen etxerako bidean anaia, aita eta biok bakarrik geundela.
Badago aipu bat honela dioena: "Maite duzun norbait hiltzen denean, eta espero ez duzunean, ez duzu bat-batean galtzen; denbora luzez zatitan galtzen duzu". Eta horrela sentitu nintzen denbora luzez. Haurtzaroan dolua kudeatzea oso gauza berezia da. Nire amaren hileta hil eta astebetera izan zen, eta ordurako gertatutakoa ia ez nuen prozesatu. Lokartuta nengoen eta ez nekien zer sentitu.
Heriotza hain bat-batekoa eta ezen nolabaiteko shock batean sartzen garela. Bat-bateko amaiera hori eta gero ez dago gehiago. Ez dago egindako guztia atzera botatzeko beharrik, ezta izango ziren gauzak ere. Dena aldatzen duen une horren ondoren da beste edozer gauza beranduegi dela. Eta hori izan zen ziurrenik guztiaren zatirik txarrena: ez jakitearen mina nolakoa izango litzatekeen nire ama nire bizitzako, munduko gertaera handi eta txikietan han egongo balitz. Urteetan ez nekien zer egin doluarekin, eta ziurrenik nik ere kontziente ez nintzen moduan agertu zen.
Baina denborarekin galera honekin adiskidetzen hasten zara. Ez da ados zaudela, baizik eta den bezala onartzen ikasten duzu.
«Dolua zama bat izan daiteke, baina baita aingura bat ere. Ohitzen zara pisu horretara [eta ohitzen zara] nola eusten zaituen». Amaren heriotza aingura bihurtu zen - nolabait pisu handia eman zidan. Behar baino gehiagotan hitz egiten nuen haren heriotzaz. Disko-jogailu hautsi batean errepikatzen zen abesti triste bat bezala zen. Amaren heriotzaren ondoren hain goiztiar eta arduratsu izatea nolabait garaile eta indarra erakusten ari nintzela zirudien saiatu nintzen. Amaren heriotza nire bizitzako esperientziarik txarrenetakoa izan den arren, konturatu nintzen ez zela niri gertatu zitzaidan lehenengo gauza txarra, eta ziurrenik ez zela azkena izango. Heriotzak errealitatearen ikuspegi ilun eta distortsionatua eman dezake.
Beste modu batzuetan, amaren heriotza aingura bat izan zen, lurrean egoten lagundu zidalako. Beste gauza ez hain onak gertatzen direnean, denbora pixka bat hartzen badut eta atzera pauso bat ematen badut, atsekabea txikiagoa da. Gertaera txar isolatu gisa ikusi beharrean, ikuspegi orokorragoa ikus dezaket. Gauzen eskema handian, sufrimendu une hauek poz uneekin osatzen dira. Ama inguruan gabe, askoz ere hurbilago nago aitarekin eta gure harremana bikaina da. Heriotzarekin izandako harreman honek nire bizitzan ditudan beste harreman batzuk ere baloratzen lagundu dit. Heriotzagatik edo beste zerbaitengatik izan, ez dakizu inoiz noiz joan daitekeen norbait zure bizitzatik betiko, eta ez duzu harekin duzun denbora berez hartu nahi. Bere heriotzak irekiagoa izaten eta besteengana jotzen lagundu dit, eta jende dinamiko ugari ezagutu dut. Eta modu sotiletan, bere heriotzak bizitzari buruz apalagoa izaten irakatsi dit.
Heriotza gauza arraroa da. Denbora guztian gertatzen den arren, itsutu egin zaitzake. Gizakia izatea heriotzari nola erreakzionatzen eta nola aurre egiten diozun guztiz onartzea da. Ez gainditzea, ez obsesionatzea. Baina ez uztea errealitate honen berehalakotasuna galtzeko bezain urrun. Izan ere, hain estu identifikatzen garen zerbait galtzean has gaitezke geure burua aurkitzen.
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I came close to losing my husband a year ago. He has struggled and suffered tremendously this last year and now I see he is slowly getting ready to pass on. I've been learning what grief is, when life takes from you, that which you experience as a foundation is gone. Everything you relate to, formed by the relationship molding your your experience is transformed. Change is the one thing we can learn to embrace and are certain to face, as we proceed down the path of life. Finding who we are as individuals woven into the threads of the fabric of life, ever intertwined. Knowing that what we have shared with those close to us, never ceases to influence and in some instances becomes more pronounced, when a person is no longer in direct contact physical contact with us. The tracks of the aura left by that person seem to comfort and remind us how we've been shaped by our experiences with them.
I appreciate you sharing such a personal story, in such a mature way. It is all about perspective and thank you for your wisdom.
amazing... I have lost a loved one recently but I hVE TO ACCEPT IT..(
THANK YOU FOR SHARING ...
Thank you Thao for sharing your life and for me to learn my lessons . My father and father in law passed away 21 years ago within a month of each other and till today there is an emptiness within me . They were good human beings and I keep remembering and implementing in my life the values and examples they set forth in their lives . Blessings to you .
Thao-- you have no idea what it meant for me to read your story today. Yesterday I asked my mother (whom I also lost when I was 12) to send me a sign about a really tough relationship decision I have recently made. Was it the right one? Could she somehow let me know that I had done the right thing? And, to my disbelief, 6 hours later, your words appeared in my inbox. Through you, she has reminded me of that critically important aspect of life that we often lose touch of: perspective. When you can cope with losing the most important person in your life, you learn that life will go on and to take nothing for granted--especially yourself. So thank you for being the messenger through whom my mother could reach me today. All the best to you.
Thao Phi, The last words you spoke, in the recording of your story, were "thank you for listening". Well I'd like to say "thank you for sharing!" Please continue "talking" (writing) . . . we WILL glad-fully listen to you as your mother now does from heaven. Though physically not present, spiritually, your mom is more present than she has ever been before. You are a strong young lady! Much love to you!
Mothers unconditional love never dies, Life andDeaths are two side of the same coin,spiritualy death is to physical body not soul.we just change clothes.one of my 92 yearfriend use to say every morning with cup of coffee - I hope you live always and I never die.life is creation of lord,we are all his children so our true self is also eternal always love navin
As a parent I can say that if I had to go in a car accident like your mom did, it would mean a lot to me that the last act I did was show my willingness to be flexible for the girl I adore the most. Knowing that you survived and found the power to keep living is that much more valuable. Make the most of your life, find your way and experience it to it's fullest and her dreams will continue to come true. If I had one wish it would be for my children to have that.
We
bereaved are not alone. We belong to the largest company in all the world--the
company of those who have known suffering - Helen Keller
We
bereaved are not alone. We belong to the largest company in all the world--the
company of those who have known suffering - Helen Keller –
A person dies but a relationship never dies.
That is the beauty of death.
Bless you, Thao.
At 16 I performed CPR on my mom in the middle of the night, and although she never regained consciousness she remained alive three more days - long enough for the rest of the family to say their good-byes.
You have captured the feeling of the finality of death very well here. That helpless feeling of not being able to go back, and the final acceptance that it is, what it is.
It is hard to go through the big milestones of life without a mother. I married, had two children (buried my dad, two brothers and a sister along the way too), and at age 50 I still wonder. . . who was she? Who would she be as an older woman? What were her dreams? What would she say about my choices in life?
I don't think about her as much as I used to, but did today reading your story. I like your reminder to "not ... let it slip too far away that you lose the immediacy of this
[Hide Full Comment]reality. Because it's in losing something that we so closely identify
with that we can begin to find ourselves."
Thanks for sharing this Thao. You describe your experience of loss so poignantly. I've posted your final words on my Facebook page, Joyful Mourning. Check it out. http://facebook.com/joyfulm...
sorry, and thank you, i understand completely, Ive loss so many pple, im almost alone, and it does make you realize whats important and whats not. theres one thing I checked on was 150 000 pple die every day, so if you are going through it know your your not alone, there is 149 999 other pple feeling the same as you. :)
My closest encounter with death was in 2011, July when i lost my dearly adored wife. We had been married for 7 years. I had never been so deeply devastated in my entire life. My central purpose for existence had been shifted, and shifted forever. Since then, i have learned to appreciate the gift of life more than ever before, but most importantly, i am constantly happy that i once shared my life with the most beautiful and sweetest soul on earth.
My mother was killed when I was 15, and I can so relate to this writer. I am 71 now, and I still think of my mother every day. I believe that experience has enlarged my life in so many ways I can still hardly imagine. We will all experience it, but an early death changes everything forever.
I am not scared of death, but have a feeling that it must be the most peaceful passage from earthly dwelling to the unknown. Feel like experiencing it