Súčasťou mojej letnej stáže v ServiceSpace.org bolo nadväzovanie rozhovorov s ľuďmi, ktorých som nepoznal, a jedna z otázok, ktoré som im položil, bola, čo v živote vedia s istotou? Niečo, čo vedia s istotou. Keď mi túto otázku prvýkrát položili, okamžite mi napadla odpoveď, že smrť je. Smrť je všade. A nemyslím tým smrť v nejakom cynickom alebo morbidnom zmysle, ale smrť je nevyhnutnou súčasťou života. Namiesto toho, aby som smrť vnímal ako niečo dobré alebo zlé, je to jednoducho niečo, čo sa stane.
Keď som mal 12 rokov, navštevoval som internátnu školu, ktorá bola zároveň chrámom. Rodičia ma prišli vyzdvihnúť na zimné prázdniny. Mama plánovala zostať v chráme na duchovných cvičeniach, ale prosil som ju, aby sa vrátila, keďže budem konečne doma. Mama ma poslúchla a vydali sme sa späť domov. Blížil sa súmrak a mrholilo. Prvýkrát odkedy som nastúpil do internátnej školy, sme sa s rodičmi v aute veselo rozprávali bez akýchkoľvek známok hádky. Neviem povedať, či si pamätám presný okamih, kedy sa to stalo; dokonca si ani nemôžem povedať, že si to vôbec pamätám. Ďalšia vec, na ktorú si matne spomínam, je prebudenie v nemocničnej posteli a počas nasledujúcich dní som strácal vedomie.
Smrť vás vytrhne zo vzťahu a my sme do veľkej miery súhrnom našich vzťahov. Vzťah medzi matkou a dieťaťom je obzvlášť jedinečný a nenahraditeľný. Ako povedať dieťaťu, že tento vzťah bol prerušený smrťou? Nepamätám si, že by mi niekto priamo povedal, že moja mama zomrela na mieste autonehody, ale zasiahlo ma to, keď sme boli na ceste domov len ja, môj brat a otec.
Existuje citát, ktorý hovorí: „Keď niekto, koho milujete, zomrie a vy to nečakáte, nestratíte ho naraz; strácate ho po častiach počas dlhého obdobia.“ A tak som sa cítil dlho. Zvládať smútok v detstve je veľmi zvláštna vec. Pohreb mojej mamy bol presne týždeň po jej smrti a ja som vtedy ledva dokázal spracovať, čo sa stalo. Bol som znecitlivený a nevedel som, čo mám cítiť.
Smrť je taká náhla a nečakaná, že zažijeme akýsi šok. Ten náhly koniec a potom už nič viac. Už žiadne berienie späť všetkého, čo sa stalo, žiadne veci, ktoré by boli. Po tom jednom okamihu, ktorý všetko zmení, je na čokoľvek iné už neskoro. A to bolo asi najhoršie na tom všetkom – smútok z toho, že som nevedela, aké by to bolo, keby moja mama bola pri veľkých aj malých udalostiach v mojom živote, vo svete. Roky som nevedela, čo mám so smútkom robiť, a pravdepodobne sa prejavoval spôsobmi, o ktorých som si ani neuvedomovala.
Ale časom sa s touto stratou zmieriš. Nie je to tak, že by si s tým bol v poriadku, ale naučíš sa to prijať také, aké je.
„Smútok môže byť bremenom, ale aj kotvou. Zvyknete si na tú váhu [a zvyknete si na to], ako vás drží na mieste.“ Smrť mojej matky sa stala kotvou – v istom zmysle ma zaťažila. Pristihla som sa, že o jej smrti hovorím oveľa viac, ako bolo potrebné. Bolo to ako smutná pieseň opakujúca sa na pokazenom gramofóne. Snažila som sa, aby to vyzeralo, akoby to, že som po matkinej smrti taká predčasne vyspelá a zodpovedná, bolo nejakým spôsobom triumfálne a ukazovalo silu. Hoci jej smrť bola jedným z najhorších zážitkov môjho života, pochopila som, že to nebola prvá zlá vec, ktorá sa mi stala, a pravdepodobne ani posledná. Smrť môže poskytnúť nejasný a skreslený pohľad na realitu.
V iných ohľadoch bola smrť mojej matky kotvou v tom zmysle, že mi pomohla zostať pri zemi. Keď sa stanú iné, nie až tak dobré veci, ak si dám trochu času a urobím krok späť, rozrušenie sa zmierni. Namiesto toho, aby som to vnímala ako izolovanú udalosť niečoho zlého, dokážem vidieť širší obraz. V širšej schéme vecí sú tieto chvíle utrpenia doplnené okamihmi radosti. Bez mamy som sa k otcovi oveľa viac priblížila a náš vzťah je skvelý. Toto stretnutie so smrťou ma prinútilo vážiť si aj iné vzťahy, ktoré mám v živote. Či už je to kvôli smrti alebo niečomu inému, nikdy neviete, kedy niekto môže natrvalo zmiznúť z vášho života, a nechcete brať čas, ktorý s ním trávite, ako samozrejmosť. Jej smrť mi pomohla byť otvorenejšia a požiadať o podporu ostatných a stretla som množstvo dynamických ľudí. A jej smrť ma jemnými spôsobmi naučila byť pokornejšia v živote.
Smrť je zvláštna vec. Aj keď sa deje stále, môže vás zaskočiť. Byť človekom znamená plne sa vyrovnať s tým, ako reagujete a ako sa so smrťou vyrovnávate. Nenechať sa ňou premôcť, nebyť ňou posadnutý. Ale nenechať si ju ujsť tak ďaleko, aby ste nestratili bezprostrednosť tejto reality. Pretože práve stratou niečoho, s čím sa tak úzko stotožňujeme, môžeme začať nachádzať samých seba.
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17 PAST RESPONSES
I came close to losing my husband a year ago. He has struggled and suffered tremendously this last year and now I see he is slowly getting ready to pass on. I've been learning what grief is, when life takes from you, that which you experience as a foundation is gone. Everything you relate to, formed by the relationship molding your your experience is transformed. Change is the one thing we can learn to embrace and are certain to face, as we proceed down the path of life. Finding who we are as individuals woven into the threads of the fabric of life, ever intertwined. Knowing that what we have shared with those close to us, never ceases to influence and in some instances becomes more pronounced, when a person is no longer in direct contact physical contact with us. The tracks of the aura left by that person seem to comfort and remind us how we've been shaped by our experiences with them.
I appreciate you sharing such a personal story, in such a mature way. It is all about perspective and thank you for your wisdom.
amazing... I have lost a loved one recently but I hVE TO ACCEPT IT..(
THANK YOU FOR SHARING ...
Thank you Thao for sharing your life and for me to learn my lessons . My father and father in law passed away 21 years ago within a month of each other and till today there is an emptiness within me . They were good human beings and I keep remembering and implementing in my life the values and examples they set forth in their lives . Blessings to you .
Thao-- you have no idea what it meant for me to read your story today. Yesterday I asked my mother (whom I also lost when I was 12) to send me a sign about a really tough relationship decision I have recently made. Was it the right one? Could she somehow let me know that I had done the right thing? And, to my disbelief, 6 hours later, your words appeared in my inbox. Through you, she has reminded me of that critically important aspect of life that we often lose touch of: perspective. When you can cope with losing the most important person in your life, you learn that life will go on and to take nothing for granted--especially yourself. So thank you for being the messenger through whom my mother could reach me today. All the best to you.
Thao Phi, The last words you spoke, in the recording of your story, were "thank you for listening". Well I'd like to say "thank you for sharing!" Please continue "talking" (writing) . . . we WILL glad-fully listen to you as your mother now does from heaven. Though physically not present, spiritually, your mom is more present than she has ever been before. You are a strong young lady! Much love to you!
Mothers unconditional love never dies, Life andDeaths are two side of the same coin,spiritualy death is to physical body not soul.we just change clothes.one of my 92 yearfriend use to say every morning with cup of coffee - I hope you live always and I never die.life is creation of lord,we are all his children so our true self is also eternal always love navin
As a parent I can say that if I had to go in a car accident like your mom did, it would mean a lot to me that the last act I did was show my willingness to be flexible for the girl I adore the most. Knowing that you survived and found the power to keep living is that much more valuable. Make the most of your life, find your way and experience it to it's fullest and her dreams will continue to come true. If I had one wish it would be for my children to have that.
We
bereaved are not alone. We belong to the largest company in all the world--the
company of those who have known suffering - Helen Keller
We
bereaved are not alone. We belong to the largest company in all the world--the
company of those who have known suffering - Helen Keller –
A person dies but a relationship never dies.
That is the beauty of death.
Bless you, Thao.
At 16 I performed CPR on my mom in the middle of the night, and although she never regained consciousness she remained alive three more days - long enough for the rest of the family to say their good-byes.
You have captured the feeling of the finality of death very well here. That helpless feeling of not being able to go back, and the final acceptance that it is, what it is.
It is hard to go through the big milestones of life without a mother. I married, had two children (buried my dad, two brothers and a sister along the way too), and at age 50 I still wonder. . . who was she? Who would she be as an older woman? What were her dreams? What would she say about my choices in life?
I don't think about her as much as I used to, but did today reading your story. I like your reminder to "not ... let it slip too far away that you lose the immediacy of this
[Hide Full Comment]reality. Because it's in losing something that we so closely identify
with that we can begin to find ourselves."
Thanks for sharing this Thao. You describe your experience of loss so poignantly. I've posted your final words on my Facebook page, Joyful Mourning. Check it out. http://facebook.com/joyfulm...
sorry, and thank you, i understand completely, Ive loss so many pple, im almost alone, and it does make you realize whats important and whats not. theres one thing I checked on was 150 000 pple die every day, so if you are going through it know your your not alone, there is 149 999 other pple feeling the same as you. :)
My closest encounter with death was in 2011, July when i lost my dearly adored wife. We had been married for 7 years. I had never been so deeply devastated in my entire life. My central purpose for existence had been shifted, and shifted forever. Since then, i have learned to appreciate the gift of life more than ever before, but most importantly, i am constantly happy that i once shared my life with the most beautiful and sweetest soul on earth.
My mother was killed when I was 15, and I can so relate to this writer. I am 71 now, and I still think of my mother every day. I believe that experience has enlarged my life in so many ways I can still hardly imagine. We will all experience it, but an early death changes everything forever.
I am not scared of death, but have a feeling that it must be the most peaceful passage from earthly dwelling to the unknown. Feel like experiencing it