我在ServiceSpace.org的暑期实习期间，有一项工作是主动与陌生人交谈。我经常问他们一个问题：人生中最确定的事情是什么？一件他们确信无疑的事情。当我第一次被问到这个问题时，我脑海中立刻浮现的答案是死亡。死亡无处不在。我指的并非某种愤世嫉俗或病态的死亡无处不在，而是指死亡是生命中不可避免的一部分。与其将死亡视为好事或坏事，不如将其视为生命中必然发生的事情。
我十二岁那年，在一所既是寄宿学校又是寺庙的学校读书。寒假那天，父母来接我回家。妈妈原本打算留在寺庙参加闭关静修，但我恳求她回来，因为我终于可以回家了。妈妈听了我的话，我们便开始往家走。天色渐暗，细雨蒙蒙。自从我上寄宿学校以来，这是我第一次和父母在车里愉快地聊天，没有一丝争吵的迹象。我记不清那究竟是什么时候发生的；我甚至记不清这件事到底发生过。接下来我隐约记得的，是我在医院的病床上醒来，接下来的几天里，我一直处于半昏迷状态。
死亡会将你从一段关系中剥离，而我们很大程度上是由我们所有关系的总和构成的。母子关系尤其独特且无可替代。你该如何告诉孩子，这段关系已被死亡斩断？我不记得有人明确告诉我母亲在车祸现场去世，但当回家的路上只有我和哥哥、父亲时，我才真正意识到这一点。
有句话说：“当你所爱的人去世，而你又毫无防备时，你不会一下子失去她；你会在很长一段时间里，一点一点地失去她。”很长一段时间，我的感受就是这样。作为一个孩子，处理悲伤是一件非常特殊的事情。我母亲的葬礼在她去世整整一周后举行，那时我几乎无法接受这一切。我麻木了，不知道该作何感想。
死亡如此突然，如此猝不及防，让我们陷入一种震惊之中。一切戛然而止，然后就什么都没有了。再也无法挽回已经发生的一切，再也无法拥有那些本该发生的事。在那改变一切的瞬间之后，一切都为时已晚。而这或许是所有痛苦中最难熬的部分——无法预知如果母亲在我生命中，在这个世界上，在我经历的大大小小的事情中，会是什么样子。多年来，我不知该如何面对这份悲痛，它或许以我甚至没有意识到的方式显现出来。
但随着时间的推移，你会逐渐接受这种失去。这并不是说你完全释怀了，而是你学会了接受它本来的样子。
“悲伤既是重担，也是锚。你会习惯这份沉重，习惯它把你牢牢地束缚住。”母亲的去世成了我的锚——在某种程度上，它压得我喘不过气来。我发现自己谈论她的死远比必要的要多得多。就像一首悲伤的歌在坏掉的唱片机上循环播放。我试图让自己看起来，母亲去世后我的早熟和责任感在某种程度上是一种胜利，一种坚强的表现。虽然母亲的去世是我人生中最痛苦的经历之一，但我逐渐明白，这并非我遭遇的第一件坏事，也可能不是最后一件。死亡会让人对现实产生一种模糊和扭曲的认知。
在其他方面，母亲的离世就像一根锚，让我脚踏实地。当其他不太好的事情发生时，如果我给自己一些时间，冷静下来，负面情绪就会减轻。我不再把它看作是孤立的坏事，而是能看到更广阔的图景。从长远来看，这些痛苦的时刻与快乐的瞬间相得益彰。母亲不在身边，我和父亲的关系更加亲密，我们现在的关系很好。这次与死亡擦肩而过的经历让我更加珍惜生命中的其他关系。无论是因为死亡还是其他原因，你永远无法预知某人何时会永远离开你的生活，所以你不应该把与他们相处的时光视为理所当然。母亲的离世让我变得更加开放，更愿意向他人寻求支持，我也因此结识了许多充满活力的人。此外，她的离世也以一种微妙的方式教会了我更加谦逊地看待生活。
死亡是一件奇特的事情。尽管它无时无刻不在发生，却依然会让人猝不及防。身为人类，就意味着要充分理解自己如何面对和处理死亡。不是被它压垮，也不是被它困扰。但更不能让它离你太远，以至于你失去了对死亡现实的切身感受。因为正是在失去那些与我们如此紧密相连的事物时，我们才能开始重新认识自己。
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I came close to losing my husband a year ago. He has struggled and suffered tremendously this last year and now I see he is slowly getting ready to pass on. I've been learning what grief is, when life takes from you, that which you experience as a foundation is gone. Everything you relate to, formed by the relationship molding your your experience is transformed. Change is the one thing we can learn to embrace and are certain to face, as we proceed down the path of life. Finding who we are as individuals woven into the threads of the fabric of life, ever intertwined. Knowing that what we have shared with those close to us, never ceases to influence and in some instances becomes more pronounced, when a person is no longer in direct contact physical contact with us. The tracks of the aura left by that person seem to comfort and remind us how we've been shaped by our experiences with them.
I appreciate you sharing such a personal story, in such a mature way. It is all about perspective and thank you for your wisdom.
amazing... I have lost a loved one recently but I hVE TO ACCEPT IT..(
THANK YOU FOR SHARING ...
Thank you Thao for sharing your life and for me to learn my lessons . My father and father in law passed away 21 years ago within a month of each other and till today there is an emptiness within me . They were good human beings and I keep remembering and implementing in my life the values and examples they set forth in their lives . Blessings to you .
Thao-- you have no idea what it meant for me to read your story today. Yesterday I asked my mother (whom I also lost when I was 12) to send me a sign about a really tough relationship decision I have recently made. Was it the right one? Could she somehow let me know that I had done the right thing? And, to my disbelief, 6 hours later, your words appeared in my inbox. Through you, she has reminded me of that critically important aspect of life that we often lose touch of: perspective. When you can cope with losing the most important person in your life, you learn that life will go on and to take nothing for granted--especially yourself. So thank you for being the messenger through whom my mother could reach me today. All the best to you.
Thao Phi, The last words you spoke, in the recording of your story, were "thank you for listening". Well I'd like to say "thank you for sharing!" Please continue "talking" (writing) . . . we WILL glad-fully listen to you as your mother now does from heaven. Though physically not present, spiritually, your mom is more present than she has ever been before. You are a strong young lady! Much love to you!
Mothers unconditional love never dies, Life andDeaths are two side of the same coin,spiritualy death is to physical body not soul.we just change clothes.one of my 92 yearfriend use to say every morning with cup of coffee - I hope you live always and I never die.life is creation of lord,we are all his children so our true self is also eternal always love navin
As a parent I can say that if I had to go in a car accident like your mom did, it would mean a lot to me that the last act I did was show my willingness to be flexible for the girl I adore the most. Knowing that you survived and found the power to keep living is that much more valuable. Make the most of your life, find your way and experience it to it's fullest and her dreams will continue to come true. If I had one wish it would be for my children to have that.
We
bereaved are not alone. We belong to the largest company in all the world--the
company of those who have known suffering - Helen Keller
We
bereaved are not alone. We belong to the largest company in all the world--the
company of those who have known suffering - Helen Keller –
A person dies but a relationship never dies.
That is the beauty of death.
Bless you, Thao.
At 16 I performed CPR on my mom in the middle of the night, and although she never regained consciousness she remained alive three more days - long enough for the rest of the family to say their good-byes.
You have captured the feeling of the finality of death very well here. That helpless feeling of not being able to go back, and the final acceptance that it is, what it is.
It is hard to go through the big milestones of life without a mother. I married, had two children (buried my dad, two brothers and a sister along the way too), and at age 50 I still wonder. . . who was she? Who would she be as an older woman? What were her dreams? What would she say about my choices in life?
I don't think about her as much as I used to, but did today reading your story. I like your reminder to "not ... let it slip too far away that you lose the immediacy of this
[Hide Full Comment]reality. Because it's in losing something that we so closely identify
with that we can begin to find ourselves."
Thanks for sharing this Thao. You describe your experience of loss so poignantly. I've posted your final words on my Facebook page, Joyful Mourning. Check it out. http://facebook.com/joyfulm...
sorry, and thank you, i understand completely, Ive loss so many pple, im almost alone, and it does make you realize whats important and whats not. theres one thing I checked on was 150 000 pple die every day, so if you are going through it know your your not alone, there is 149 999 other pple feeling the same as you. :)
My closest encounter with death was in 2011, July when i lost my dearly adored wife. We had been married for 7 years. I had never been so deeply devastated in my entire life. My central purpose for existence had been shifted, and shifted forever. Since then, i have learned to appreciate the gift of life more than ever before, but most importantly, i am constantly happy that i once shared my life with the most beautiful and sweetest soul on earth.
My mother was killed when I was 15, and I can so relate to this writer. I am 71 now, and I still think of my mother every day. I believe that experience has enlarged my life in so many ways I can still hardly imagine. We will all experience it, but an early death changes everything forever.
I am not scared of death, but have a feeling that it must be the most peaceful passage from earthly dwelling to the unknown. Feel like experiencing it