Sehemu ya mafunzo yangu ya kiangazi na ServiceSpace.org ilihusisha kuanzisha mazungumzo na watu nisiowajua, na swali moja ningewauliza ni nini wanachojua kwa uhakika maishani? Kitu wanachokijua kwa uhakika. Nilipoulizwa swali hili awali, jibu la haraka lililonijia ni kifo. Kifo kiko kila mahali. Na simaanishi kifo kiko kila mahali katika hali fulani ya kijinga au mbaya, lakini kifo ni sehemu isiyoepukika ya maisha. Badala ya kuona kifo kuwa kitu kizuri au kibaya, ni kitu kinachotokea.
Nilipokuwa na umri wa miaka 12, nilihudhuria shule ya bweni ambayo pia ilikuwa hekalu. Wazazi wangu walikuja kunichukua kwa mapumziko ya msimu wa baridi. Mama yangu alikuwa akipanga kukaa hekaluni kwa mapumziko, lakini nilimsihi arudi kwani hatimaye ningekuwa nyumbani. Mama yangu alinisikiliza, na tukaanza kurudi nyumbani kwangu. Jioni ilikuwa inakaribia, na mvua ilikuwa ikinyesha. Kwa mara ya kwanza tangu niende shule ya bweni, mimi na wazazi wangu tulikuwa tukizungumza kwa furaha ndani ya gari bila dalili zozote za kugombana. Siwezi kusema nakumbuka wakati halisi ilipotokea; Siwezi hata kusema kwamba ninakumbuka ilifanyika hata kidogo. Kitu kinachofuata ninachoweza kukumbuka ni kuamka katika kitanda cha hospitali, na kwa siku chache zilizofuata niliingia na kutoka kwa fahamu.
Kifo hukuondoa kwenye uhusiano na sisi kwa kiwango kikubwa ni jumla ya mahusiano yetu. Uhusiano kati ya mama na mtoto ni wa kipekee na hauwezi kubadilishwa. Je, unamwambiaje mtoto kwamba uhusiano huo umekatishwa na kifo? Sikumbuki kabisa nikiambiwa kwamba mama yangu aliaga dunia kwenye eneo la ajali ya gari, lakini ilinigonga nilipokuwa tu kaka yangu, baba, na mimi kwenye safari ya kurudi nyumbani.
Kuna nukuu inayosema, "Wakati mtu unayempenda anapokufa, na hutarajii, haupotezi mara moja; unampoteza vipande vipande kwa muda mrefu." Na hivyo ndivyo ilivyokuwa kwa muda mrefu. Kushughulika na huzuni kama mtoto ni jambo la kipekee sana. Mazishi ya mama yangu yalikuwa wiki moja baada ya kifo chake, na sikuweza kushughulikia kilichotokea wakati huo. Nilikuwa na ganzi na sikujua la kuhisi.
Kifo ni cha ghafla na cha ghafla hivi kwamba tunapata mshtuko wa aina fulani. Mwisho huo wa ghafla na hakuna tena. Hakuna tena kurudisha yote yaliyofanywa, hakuna zaidi ya mambo ambayo yangekuwa. Ni baada ya dakika hiyo moja ambayo hubadilisha kila kitu ambacho kitu kingine chochote kimechelewa. Na hiyo labda ilikuwa sehemu mbaya zaidi ya yote - huzuni ya kutojua ingekuwaje ikiwa mama yangu angekuwa pale kwa matukio makubwa na madogo katika maisha yangu, ulimwenguni. Kwa miaka mingi sikujua la kufanya na huzuni hiyo, na pengine ilijidhihirisha kwa njia ambazo hata sikujua.
Lakini baada ya muda unakuja kupatanisha na hasara hii. Sio kwamba uko sawa nayo, lakini unajifunza kuikubali jinsi ilivyo.
"Huzuni inaweza kuwa mzigo, lakini pia nanga. Unazoea uzito [na kuzoea] jinsi inavyokuweka mahali." Kifo cha mama yangu kikawa nanga - kwa njia fulani kilinilemea. Nilijikuta nikizungumza juu ya kifo chake zaidi ya lazima. Ilikuwa kama wimbo wa kusikitisha unaojirudia kwenye kicheza rekodi iliyovunjwa. Nilijaribu kufanya ionekane kama mimi kuwa kabla ya muda na kuwajibika baada ya kifo cha mama yangu ilikuwa kwa namna fulani ushindi na ilionyesha nguvu. Ingawa kifo chake kimekuwa mojawapo ya matukio mabaya zaidi maishani mwangu, nilikuja kufahamu kwamba hili halikuwa jambo baya la kwanza kunipata, na pengine lisingekuwa la mwisho. Kifo kinaweza kutoa mtazamo usio wazi na uliopotoka wa ukweli.
Kwa njia nyingine, kifo cha mama yangu kilikuwa nanga kwa maana kwamba kilinisaidia kukaa msingi. Wakati mambo mengine yasiyokuwa mazuri yanapotokea, ikiwa nitajipa muda na kuchukua hatua nyuma, hasira inakuwa ndogo. Badala ya kuiona kama tukio la pekee la kitu kibaya, ninaweza kuona picha kubwa zaidi. Katika mpango mkuu wa mambo, nyakati hizi za mateso zinakamilishwa na matukio ya furaha. Bila mama yangu karibu, nimekuwa karibu zaidi na baba yangu na uhusiano wetu ni mzuri. Mswaki huu wa kifo umenifanya nithamini mahusiano mengine niliyo nayo katika maisha yangu pia. Iwe ni kwa sababu ya kifo au kitu kingine, huwezi kujua ni lini mtu anaweza kuwa ameondoka kabisa kutoka kwa maisha yako, na hutaki kuchukua muda ulio nao kwa urahisi. Kifo chake kimenisaidia kuwa wazi zaidi na kufikia wengine kwa usaidizi, na nimekutana na watu wengi wenye nguvu. Na kwa njia za hila, kifo chake kimenifundisha kuwa mnyenyekevu zaidi kuhusu maisha.
Kifo ni kitu cha ajabu. Ingawa inatokea kila wakati, inaweza kukupofusha. Kuwa binadamu ni kufahamu kikamilifu jinsi unavyoitikia na kukabiliana na kifo. Si ya kushindwa nayo, si ya kuwa obsessed nayo. Lakini sio kuiruhusu kuteleza mbali sana kwamba unapoteza upesi wa ukweli huu. Kwa sababu ni katika kupoteza kitu ambacho tunajihusisha nacho kwa karibu sana kwamba tunaweza kuanza kujikuta.
Bofya kifute cha cheza hapa chini kusikiliza yaliyo hapo juu katika sauti ya mwandishi:
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I came close to losing my husband a year ago. He has struggled and suffered tremendously this last year and now I see he is slowly getting ready to pass on. I've been learning what grief is, when life takes from you, that which you experience as a foundation is gone. Everything you relate to, formed by the relationship molding your your experience is transformed. Change is the one thing we can learn to embrace and are certain to face, as we proceed down the path of life. Finding who we are as individuals woven into the threads of the fabric of life, ever intertwined. Knowing that what we have shared with those close to us, never ceases to influence and in some instances becomes more pronounced, when a person is no longer in direct contact physical contact with us. The tracks of the aura left by that person seem to comfort and remind us how we've been shaped by our experiences with them.
I appreciate you sharing such a personal story, in such a mature way. It is all about perspective and thank you for your wisdom.
amazing... I have lost a loved one recently but I hVE TO ACCEPT IT..(
THANK YOU FOR SHARING ...
Thank you Thao for sharing your life and for me to learn my lessons . My father and father in law passed away 21 years ago within a month of each other and till today there is an emptiness within me . They were good human beings and I keep remembering and implementing in my life the values and examples they set forth in their lives . Blessings to you .
Thao-- you have no idea what it meant for me to read your story today. Yesterday I asked my mother (whom I also lost when I was 12) to send me a sign about a really tough relationship decision I have recently made. Was it the right one? Could she somehow let me know that I had done the right thing? And, to my disbelief, 6 hours later, your words appeared in my inbox. Through you, she has reminded me of that critically important aspect of life that we often lose touch of: perspective. When you can cope with losing the most important person in your life, you learn that life will go on and to take nothing for granted--especially yourself. So thank you for being the messenger through whom my mother could reach me today. All the best to you.
Thao Phi, The last words you spoke, in the recording of your story, were "thank you for listening". Well I'd like to say "thank you for sharing!" Please continue "talking" (writing) . . . we WILL glad-fully listen to you as your mother now does from heaven. Though physically not present, spiritually, your mom is more present than she has ever been before. You are a strong young lady! Much love to you!
Mothers unconditional love never dies, Life andDeaths are two side of the same coin,spiritualy death is to physical body not soul.we just change clothes.one of my 92 yearfriend use to say every morning with cup of coffee - I hope you live always and I never die.life is creation of lord,we are all his children so our true self is also eternal always love navin
As a parent I can say that if I had to go in a car accident like your mom did, it would mean a lot to me that the last act I did was show my willingness to be flexible for the girl I adore the most. Knowing that you survived and found the power to keep living is that much more valuable. Make the most of your life, find your way and experience it to it's fullest and her dreams will continue to come true. If I had one wish it would be for my children to have that.
We
bereaved are not alone. We belong to the largest company in all the world--the
company of those who have known suffering - Helen Keller
We
bereaved are not alone. We belong to the largest company in all the world--the
company of those who have known suffering - Helen Keller –
A person dies but a relationship never dies.
That is the beauty of death.
Bless you, Thao.
At 16 I performed CPR on my mom in the middle of the night, and although she never regained consciousness she remained alive three more days - long enough for the rest of the family to say their good-byes.
You have captured the feeling of the finality of death very well here. That helpless feeling of not being able to go back, and the final acceptance that it is, what it is.
It is hard to go through the big milestones of life without a mother. I married, had two children (buried my dad, two brothers and a sister along the way too), and at age 50 I still wonder. . . who was she? Who would she be as an older woman? What were her dreams? What would she say about my choices in life?
I don't think about her as much as I used to, but did today reading your story. I like your reminder to "not ... let it slip too far away that you lose the immediacy of this
[Hide Full Comment]reality. Because it's in losing something that we so closely identify
with that we can begin to find ourselves."
Thanks for sharing this Thao. You describe your experience of loss so poignantly. I've posted your final words on my Facebook page, Joyful Mourning. Check it out. http://facebook.com/joyfulm...
sorry, and thank you, i understand completely, Ive loss so many pple, im almost alone, and it does make you realize whats important and whats not. theres one thing I checked on was 150 000 pple die every day, so if you are going through it know your your not alone, there is 149 999 other pple feeling the same as you. :)
My closest encounter with death was in 2011, July when i lost my dearly adored wife. We had been married for 7 years. I had never been so deeply devastated in my entire life. My central purpose for existence had been shifted, and shifted forever. Since then, i have learned to appreciate the gift of life more than ever before, but most importantly, i am constantly happy that i once shared my life with the most beautiful and sweetest soul on earth.
My mother was killed when I was 15, and I can so relate to this writer. I am 71 now, and I still think of my mother every day. I believe that experience has enlarged my life in so many ways I can still hardly imagine. We will all experience it, but an early death changes everything forever.
I am not scared of death, but have a feeling that it must be the most peaceful passage from earthly dwelling to the unknown. Feel like experiencing it