Del moje poletne prakse pri ServiceSpace.org je vključeval začetek pogovorov z ljudmi, ki jih nisem poznal, in eno vprašanje, ki sem jim ga zastavil, je bilo, kaj v življenju zagotovo vedo? Nekaj, kar vedo z gotovostjo. Ko so mi to vprašanje prvič zastavili, mi je takojšen odgovor prišel na misel, smrt. Smrt je povsod. In ne mislim, da je smrt povsod v nekem ciničnem ali morbidnem smislu, ampak smrt je neizogiben del življenja. Namesto da bi na smrt gledal kot na nekaj dobrega ali slabega, je preprosto nekaj, kar se zgodi.
Ko sem bil star 12 let, sem obiskoval internat, ki je bil hkrati tudi tempelj. Starša sta me prišla iskat na zimske počitnice. Mama je nameravala ostati v templju na duhovnih umikih, vendar sem jo prosil, naj se vrne, saj bom končno doma. Mama me je poslušala in odpravila sva se nazaj proti domu. Bližal se je mrak in rosilo je. Prvič, odkar sem hodil v internat, sva se s starši v avtu veselo pogovarjala, ne da bi se prepirala. Ne morem reči, da se spomnim natančnega trenutka, ko se je to zgodilo; niti ne morem reči, da se tega sploh spomnim. Naslednja stvar, ki se je megleno spominjam, je, da sem se zbudil v bolniški postelji in naslednjih nekaj dni sem se nenehno izgubljal v zavesti.
Smrt te iztrga iz odnosa in midva sva v veliki meri vsota naših odnosov. Odnos med materjo in otrokom je še posebej edinstven in nenadomestljiv. Kako otroku poveš, da je ta odnos prekinila smrt? Ne spomnim se, da bi mi kdo posebej povedal, da je moja mama umrla na kraju prometne nesreče, ampak me je zadelo, ko smo bili na poti domov samo brat, oče in jaz.
Obstaja citat, ki pravi: »Ko umre nekdo, ki ga imaš rad, in tega ne pričakuješ, ga ne izgubiš naenkrat; izgubiš ga po delih v daljšem časovnem obdobju.« In tako se je počutil dolgo časa. Soočanje z žalostjo kot otrok je zelo nenavadna stvar. Pogreb moje mame je bil natanko teden dni po njeni smrti in takrat sem komaj predelal, kaj se je zgodilo. Bil sem otrpel in nisem vedel, kaj naj čutim.
Smrt je tako nenadna in nenadna, da doživimo nekakšen šok. Ta nenaden konec in potem ni več. Nič več vračanja vsega, kar je bilo storjeno, nič več stvari, ki bi bile. Po tistem trenutku, ki spremeni vse, je za vse ostalo prepozno. In to je bil verjetno najhujši del vsega – žalost, ker nisem vedel, kako bi bilo, če bi bila moja mama ob meni za velike in majhne dogodke v mojem življenju, na svetu. Leta nisem vedel, kaj naj storim z žalostjo, in verjetno se je kazala na načine, ki se jih sploh nisem zavedal.
Ampak sčasoma se sprijazniš s to izgubo. Ne gre za to, da bi bil z njo v redu, ampak se naučiš sprejeti jo takšno, kot je.
»Žalost je lahko breme, a tudi sidro. Navadiš se na težo [in navadiš se na to], kako te drži na mestu.« Materina smrt je postala sidro – v nekaterih pogledih me je obremenila. O njeni smrti sem govorila veliko več, kot je bilo potrebno. Bila je kot žalostna pesem, ki se ponavlja na pokvarjenem gramofonu. Poskušala sem se pretvarjati, da je moja prezgodnja in odgovorna odraslost po mamini smrti nekako zmagoslavna in kaže na moč. Čeprav je bila njena smrt ena najhujših izkušenj v mojem življenju, sem spoznala, da to ni bila prva slaba stvar, ki se mi je zgodila, in verjetno tudi ne zadnja. Smrt lahko ponudi nejasno in popačeno sliko resničnosti.
V drugih pogledih je bila mamina smrt sidro v smislu, da mi je pomagala ostati prizemljen. Ko se zgodijo druge ne tako dobre stvari, če si vzamem nekaj časa in stopim korak nazaj, se razburjenje zmanjša. Namesto da na to gledam kot na osamljen dogodek nečesa slabega, lahko vidim širšo sliko. V veliki shemi stvari te trenutke trpljenja dopolnjujejo trenutki veselja. Brez mame sem se veliko bolj zbližal z očetom in najin odnos je odličen. Ta stik s smrtjo me je naučil ceniti tudi druge odnose, ki jih imam v življenju. Naj bo to zaradi smrti ali česa drugega, nikoli ne veš, kdaj bo nekdo trajno izginil iz tvojega življenja, in ne želiš jemati časa, ki ga preživiš z njim, za samoumevnega. Njena smrt mi je pomagala, da sem bolj odprt in da se lahko obrnem na druge po podporo, poleg tega pa sem spoznal obilo dinamičnih ljudi. In na subtilne načine me je njena smrt naučila, da sem bolj ponižen glede življenja.
Smrt je nenavadna stvar. Čeprav se dogaja ves čas, te lahko preseneti. Biti človek pomeni popolnoma se spopasti s tem, kako se odzivaš in kako se spopadaš s smrtjo. Ne pustiti se premagati, ne biti obseden z njo. Vendar ne pustiti, da nam zdrsne predaleč, da izgubimo neposrednost te resničnosti. Kajti prav v izgubi nečesa, s čimer se tako tesno poistovetimo, lahko začnemo najti sebe.
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17 PAST RESPONSES
I came close to losing my husband a year ago. He has struggled and suffered tremendously this last year and now I see he is slowly getting ready to pass on. I've been learning what grief is, when life takes from you, that which you experience as a foundation is gone. Everything you relate to, formed by the relationship molding your your experience is transformed. Change is the one thing we can learn to embrace and are certain to face, as we proceed down the path of life. Finding who we are as individuals woven into the threads of the fabric of life, ever intertwined. Knowing that what we have shared with those close to us, never ceases to influence and in some instances becomes more pronounced, when a person is no longer in direct contact physical contact with us. The tracks of the aura left by that person seem to comfort and remind us how we've been shaped by our experiences with them.
I appreciate you sharing such a personal story, in such a mature way. It is all about perspective and thank you for your wisdom.
amazing... I have lost a loved one recently but I hVE TO ACCEPT IT..(
THANK YOU FOR SHARING ...
Thank you Thao for sharing your life and for me to learn my lessons . My father and father in law passed away 21 years ago within a month of each other and till today there is an emptiness within me . They were good human beings and I keep remembering and implementing in my life the values and examples they set forth in their lives . Blessings to you .
Thao-- you have no idea what it meant for me to read your story today. Yesterday I asked my mother (whom I also lost when I was 12) to send me a sign about a really tough relationship decision I have recently made. Was it the right one? Could she somehow let me know that I had done the right thing? And, to my disbelief, 6 hours later, your words appeared in my inbox. Through you, she has reminded me of that critically important aspect of life that we often lose touch of: perspective. When you can cope with losing the most important person in your life, you learn that life will go on and to take nothing for granted--especially yourself. So thank you for being the messenger through whom my mother could reach me today. All the best to you.
Thao Phi, The last words you spoke, in the recording of your story, were "thank you for listening". Well I'd like to say "thank you for sharing!" Please continue "talking" (writing) . . . we WILL glad-fully listen to you as your mother now does from heaven. Though physically not present, spiritually, your mom is more present than she has ever been before. You are a strong young lady! Much love to you!
Mothers unconditional love never dies, Life andDeaths are two side of the same coin,spiritualy death is to physical body not soul.we just change clothes.one of my 92 yearfriend use to say every morning with cup of coffee - I hope you live always and I never die.life is creation of lord,we are all his children so our true self is also eternal always love navin
As a parent I can say that if I had to go in a car accident like your mom did, it would mean a lot to me that the last act I did was show my willingness to be flexible for the girl I adore the most. Knowing that you survived and found the power to keep living is that much more valuable. Make the most of your life, find your way and experience it to it's fullest and her dreams will continue to come true. If I had one wish it would be for my children to have that.
We
bereaved are not alone. We belong to the largest company in all the world--the
company of those who have known suffering - Helen Keller
We
bereaved are not alone. We belong to the largest company in all the world--the
company of those who have known suffering - Helen Keller –
A person dies but a relationship never dies.
That is the beauty of death.
Bless you, Thao.
At 16 I performed CPR on my mom in the middle of the night, and although she never regained consciousness she remained alive three more days - long enough for the rest of the family to say their good-byes.
You have captured the feeling of the finality of death very well here. That helpless feeling of not being able to go back, and the final acceptance that it is, what it is.
It is hard to go through the big milestones of life without a mother. I married, had two children (buried my dad, two brothers and a sister along the way too), and at age 50 I still wonder. . . who was she? Who would she be as an older woman? What were her dreams? What would she say about my choices in life?
I don't think about her as much as I used to, but did today reading your story. I like your reminder to "not ... let it slip too far away that you lose the immediacy of this
[Hide Full Comment]reality. Because it's in losing something that we so closely identify
with that we can begin to find ourselves."
Thanks for sharing this Thao. You describe your experience of loss so poignantly. I've posted your final words on my Facebook page, Joyful Mourning. Check it out. http://facebook.com/joyfulm...
sorry, and thank you, i understand completely, Ive loss so many pple, im almost alone, and it does make you realize whats important and whats not. theres one thing I checked on was 150 000 pple die every day, so if you are going through it know your your not alone, there is 149 999 other pple feeling the same as you. :)
My closest encounter with death was in 2011, July when i lost my dearly adored wife. We had been married for 7 years. I had never been so deeply devastated in my entire life. My central purpose for existence had been shifted, and shifted forever. Since then, i have learned to appreciate the gift of life more than ever before, but most importantly, i am constantly happy that i once shared my life with the most beautiful and sweetest soul on earth.
My mother was killed when I was 15, and I can so relate to this writer. I am 71 now, and I still think of my mother every day. I believe that experience has enlarged my life in so many ways I can still hardly imagine. We will all experience it, but an early death changes everything forever.
I am not scared of death, but have a feeling that it must be the most peaceful passage from earthly dwelling to the unknown. Feel like experiencing it