En del af mit sommerpraktikophold hos ServiceSpace.org involverede at indlede samtaler med folk, jeg ikke kendte, og et spørgsmål, jeg stillede dem, var, hvad ved de med sikkerhed om livet? Noget, de ved med sikkerhed. Da jeg oprindeligt blev stillet dette spørgsmål, var det umiddelbare svar, der kom mig i tanke om døden. Døden er overalt. Og jeg mener ikke, at døden er overalt i en kynisk eller morbid forstand, men at døden er en uundgåelig del af livet. I stedet for at se døden som noget godt eller dårligt, er det bare noget, der sker.
Da jeg var 12, gik jeg på en kostskole, der også var et tempel. Mine forældre kom og hentede mig til vinterferien. Min mor havde planlagt at blive i templet til et retreat, men jeg tryglede hende om at komme tilbage, da jeg endelig ville være hjemme. Min mor lyttede til mig, og vi begyndte at køre tilbage til mit hus. Skumringen var ved at sætte sig, og regnen småregnede. For første gang siden jeg var kommet på kostskole, havde mine forældre og jeg en hyggelig samtale i bilen uden tegn på at skændes. Jeg kan ikke sige, at jeg husker det præcise øjeblik, det skete; jeg kan slet ikke sige, at jeg husker, at det skete. Det næste, jeg vagt kan huske, er, at jeg vågnede op i en hospitalsseng, og i de næste par dage drev jeg ind og ud af bevidstheden.
Døden river dig ud af et forhold, og vi er i høj grad summen af vores forhold. Forholdet mellem en mor og et barn er særligt unikt og uerstatteligt. Hvordan fortæller man et barn, at forholdet er blevet afbrudt af døden? Jeg kan ikke udtrykkeligt huske, at jeg fik at vide, at min mor døde på stedet for bilulykken, men det ramte mig, da det kun var min bror, far og jeg på vej hjem.
Der er et citat, der siger: "Når en, du elsker, dør, og du ikke forventer det, mister du hende ikke på én gang; du mister hende i stykker over lang tid." Og sådan føltes det i lang tid. At håndtere sorg som barn er en meget mærkelig ting. Min mors begravelse var præcis en uge efter hendes død, og jeg kunne næsten ikke bearbejde, hvad der var sket på det tidspunkt. Jeg var følelsesløs og vidste ikke, hvad jeg skulle føle.
Døden kommer så brat og pludselig, at vi går ind i en slags chok. Den pludselige afslutning, og så er der ikke mere. Ikke mere at tage alt tilbage, der blev gjort, ikke mere af de ting, der ville have været. Det er efter det ene øjeblik, der ændrer alt, at alt andet er for sent. Og det var nok den værste del af det hele - sorgen over ikke at vide, hvordan det ville være, hvis min mor var der for de store og små begivenheder i mit liv, i verden. I årevis vidste jeg ikke, hvad jeg skulle stille op med sorgen, og den manifesterede sig sandsynligvis på måder, jeg ikke engang var klar over.
Men med tiden forsoner du dig med dette tab. Det er ikke fordi, du er okay med det, men du lærer at acceptere det for hvad det er.
"Sorg kan være en byrde, men også et anker. Man vænner sig til vægten [og til] hvordan den holder én på plads." Min mors død blev et anker - på nogle måder tyngede den mig ned. Jeg opdagede, at jeg talte om hendes død langt mere end nødvendigt. Det var som en trist sang, der gentog sig selv på en ødelagt pladespiller. Jeg prøvede at få det til at virke som om, at det at være så fremsynet og ansvarlig efter min mors død på en eller anden måde var triumferende og viste styrke. Selvom hendes død har været en af de værste oplevelser i mit liv, kom jeg til at forstå, at dette ikke var den første dårlige ting, der skete for mig, og det ville sandsynligvis ikke være den sidste. Døden kan give et uklart og forvrænget billede af virkeligheden.
På andre måder var min mors død et anker i den forstand, at det hjalp mig med at holde mig jordnær. Når andre knap så gode ting sker, og jeg giver mig selv lidt tid og tager et skridt tilbage, bliver forfærdelsen mindre. I stedet for at se det som en isoleret begivenhed af noget dårligt, kan jeg se det større billede. I det store billede suppleres disse øjeblikke med lidelse af øjeblikke med glæde. Uden min mor i nærheden er jeg kommet meget tættere på min far, og vores forhold er fantastisk. Denne konfrontation med døden har fået mig til også at værdsætte andre forhold, jeg har i mit liv. Uanset om det er på grund af døden eller noget andet, ved man aldrig, hvornår nogen kan være permanent væk fra ens liv, og man ønsker ikke at tage den tid, man har med dem, for givet. Hendes død har hjulpet mig med at være mere åben og række ud til andre for at få støtte, og jeg har mødt et væld af dynamiske mennesker. Og på subtile måder har hendes død lært mig at være mere ydmyg over for livet.
Døden er en mærkelig ting. Selvom den sker hele tiden, kan den overvælde én. At være menneske er fuldt ud at forstå, hvordan man reagerer og håndterer døden. Ikke at blive overvældet af den, ikke at blive besat af den. Men ikke at lade den glide så langt væk, at man mister umiddelbarheden af denne virkelighed. For det er i at miste noget, som vi identificerer os så tæt med, at vi kan begynde at finde os selv.
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17 PAST RESPONSES
I came close to losing my husband a year ago. He has struggled and suffered tremendously this last year and now I see he is slowly getting ready to pass on. I've been learning what grief is, when life takes from you, that which you experience as a foundation is gone. Everything you relate to, formed by the relationship molding your your experience is transformed. Change is the one thing we can learn to embrace and are certain to face, as we proceed down the path of life. Finding who we are as individuals woven into the threads of the fabric of life, ever intertwined. Knowing that what we have shared with those close to us, never ceases to influence and in some instances becomes more pronounced, when a person is no longer in direct contact physical contact with us. The tracks of the aura left by that person seem to comfort and remind us how we've been shaped by our experiences with them.
I appreciate you sharing such a personal story, in such a mature way. It is all about perspective and thank you for your wisdom.
amazing... I have lost a loved one recently but I hVE TO ACCEPT IT..(
THANK YOU FOR SHARING ...
Thank you Thao for sharing your life and for me to learn my lessons . My father and father in law passed away 21 years ago within a month of each other and till today there is an emptiness within me . They were good human beings and I keep remembering and implementing in my life the values and examples they set forth in their lives . Blessings to you .
Thao-- you have no idea what it meant for me to read your story today. Yesterday I asked my mother (whom I also lost when I was 12) to send me a sign about a really tough relationship decision I have recently made. Was it the right one? Could she somehow let me know that I had done the right thing? And, to my disbelief, 6 hours later, your words appeared in my inbox. Through you, she has reminded me of that critically important aspect of life that we often lose touch of: perspective. When you can cope with losing the most important person in your life, you learn that life will go on and to take nothing for granted--especially yourself. So thank you for being the messenger through whom my mother could reach me today. All the best to you.
Thao Phi, The last words you spoke, in the recording of your story, were "thank you for listening". Well I'd like to say "thank you for sharing!" Please continue "talking" (writing) . . . we WILL glad-fully listen to you as your mother now does from heaven. Though physically not present, spiritually, your mom is more present than she has ever been before. You are a strong young lady! Much love to you!
Mothers unconditional love never dies, Life andDeaths are two side of the same coin,spiritualy death is to physical body not soul.we just change clothes.one of my 92 yearfriend use to say every morning with cup of coffee - I hope you live always and I never die.life is creation of lord,we are all his children so our true self is also eternal always love navin
As a parent I can say that if I had to go in a car accident like your mom did, it would mean a lot to me that the last act I did was show my willingness to be flexible for the girl I adore the most. Knowing that you survived and found the power to keep living is that much more valuable. Make the most of your life, find your way and experience it to it's fullest and her dreams will continue to come true. If I had one wish it would be for my children to have that.
We
bereaved are not alone. We belong to the largest company in all the world--the
company of those who have known suffering - Helen Keller
We
bereaved are not alone. We belong to the largest company in all the world--the
company of those who have known suffering - Helen Keller –
A person dies but a relationship never dies.
That is the beauty of death.
Bless you, Thao.
At 16 I performed CPR on my mom in the middle of the night, and although she never regained consciousness she remained alive three more days - long enough for the rest of the family to say their good-byes.
You have captured the feeling of the finality of death very well here. That helpless feeling of not being able to go back, and the final acceptance that it is, what it is.
It is hard to go through the big milestones of life without a mother. I married, had two children (buried my dad, two brothers and a sister along the way too), and at age 50 I still wonder. . . who was she? Who would she be as an older woman? What were her dreams? What would she say about my choices in life?
I don't think about her as much as I used to, but did today reading your story. I like your reminder to "not ... let it slip too far away that you lose the immediacy of this
[Hide Full Comment]reality. Because it's in losing something that we so closely identify
with that we can begin to find ourselves."
Thanks for sharing this Thao. You describe your experience of loss so poignantly. I've posted your final words on my Facebook page, Joyful Mourning. Check it out. http://facebook.com/joyfulm...
sorry, and thank you, i understand completely, Ive loss so many pple, im almost alone, and it does make you realize whats important and whats not. theres one thing I checked on was 150 000 pple die every day, so if you are going through it know your your not alone, there is 149 999 other pple feeling the same as you. :)
My closest encounter with death was in 2011, July when i lost my dearly adored wife. We had been married for 7 years. I had never been so deeply devastated in my entire life. My central purpose for existence had been shifted, and shifted forever. Since then, i have learned to appreciate the gift of life more than ever before, but most importantly, i am constantly happy that i once shared my life with the most beautiful and sweetest soul on earth.
My mother was killed when I was 15, and I can so relate to this writer. I am 71 now, and I still think of my mother every day. I believe that experience has enlarged my life in so many ways I can still hardly imagine. We will all experience it, but an early death changes everything forever.
I am not scared of death, but have a feeling that it must be the most peaceful passage from earthly dwelling to the unknown. Feel like experiencing it