Dio moje ljetne prakse u ServiceSpace.org uključivao je pokretanje razgovora s ljudima koje nisam poznavao, a jedno pitanje koje bih im postavio bilo je što oni sigurno znaju u životu? Nešto što znaju sa sigurnošću. Kad su mi prvi put postavili ovo pitanje, odmah mi je na pamet pao odgovor smrt. Smrt je posvuda. I ne mislim da je smrt posvuda u nekom ciničnom ili morbidnom smislu, već je smrt neizbježan dio života. Umjesto da smrt doživljavam kao nešto dobro ili loše, ona je jednostavno nešto što se događa.
Kad sam imao 12 godina, pohađao sam internat koji je ujedno bio i hram. Roditelji su došli po mene za zimske praznike. Mama je planirala ostati u hramu na duhovnim vježbama, ali sam je molio da se vrati jer ću napokon biti kod kuće. Mama me poslušala i krenuli smo natrag prema mojoj kući. Sumrak se bližio, a kiša je rosuljala. Prvi put otkako sam otišao u internat, roditelji i ja smo vodili sretan razgovor u autu bez ikakvih znakova svađe. Ne mogu reći da se sjećam točnog trenutka kada se to dogodilo; ne mogu čak ni reći da se uopće sjećam da se to dogodilo. Sljedeće čega se nejasno sjećam jest buđenje u bolničkom krevetu i sljedećih nekoliko dana sam gubio svijest.
Smrt vas istrgne iz veze, a mi smo u velikoj mjeri zbroj svih naših veza. Veza između majke i djeteta je posebno jedinstvena i nezamjenjiva. Kako djetetu reći da je ta veza prekinuta smrću? Ne sjećam se izričito da mi je rečeno da je moja mama umrla na mjestu prometne nesreće, ali me pogodilo kada smo na putu kući bili samo brat, tata i ja.
Postoji citat koji kaže: "Kad netko koga voliš umre, a to ne očekuješ, ne gubiš je odjednom; gubiš je u komadićima tijekom dugog vremena." I tako se osjećalo dugo vremena. Nositi se s tugom kao dijete vrlo je neobična stvar. Sprovod moje mame bio je točno tjedan dana nakon njezine smrti, a ja sam jedva mogla prihvatiti što se tada dogodilo. Bila sam obamrla i nisam znala što osjećati.
Smrt je toliko nagla i iznenadna da doživimo svojevrsni šok. Taj nagli kraj i onda više nema. Nema više vraćanja svega što je učinjeno, nema više stvari koje bi bile. Nakon tog jednog trenutka koji mijenja sve, sve ostalo je prekasno. I to je vjerojatno bio najgori dio svega - tuga zbog neznanja kako bi bilo da je moja mama bila tu za velike i male događaje u mom životu, u svijetu. Godinama nisam znao što učiniti s tugom, a vjerojatno se manifestirala na načine kojih nisam bio ni svjestan.
Ali s vremenom se pomiriš s tim gubitkom. Nije da ti je to u redu, ali naučiš ga prihvatiti onakvim kakav jest.
„Tuga može biti teret, ali i sidro. Navikneš se na težinu [i navikneš se] na to kako te drži na mjestu.“ Majčina smrt postala je sidro - na neki način me opteretila. Zatekla sam se kako o njezinoj smrti pričam puno više nego što je potrebno. Bilo je to kao tužna pjesma koja se ponavlja na pokvarenom gramofonu. Pokušala sam prikazati sebe kao da je moja preuranjena i odgovorna smrt nakon majčine smrti na neki način trijumfalna i pokazala snagu. Iako je njezina smrt bila jedno od najgorih iskustava u mom životu, shvatila sam da ovo nije prva loša stvar koja mi se dogodila i vjerojatno neće biti ni posljednja. Smrt može dati nejasan i iskrivljen pogled na stvarnost.
Na druge načine, majčina smrt bila je sidro u smislu da mi je pomogla da ostanem prizemljena. Kada se dogode druge ne baš dobre stvari, ako si dam malo vremena i napravim korak unatrag, uzrujanost postaje manja. Umjesto da to vidim kao izolirani događaj nečeg lošeg, mogu vidjeti širu sliku. U velikoj shemi stvari, ove trenutke patnje nadopunjuju trenuci radosti. Bez mame u blizini, postala sam puno bliža svom ocu i naš odnos je odličan. Ovaj susret sa smrću natjerao me da cijenim i druge odnose koje imam u životu. Bilo da je to zbog smrti ili nečeg drugog, nikad ne znate kada netko može trajno otići iz vašeg života, a ne želite vrijeme koje provodite s njima uzimati zdravo za gotovo. Njena smrt mi je pomogla da budem otvorenija i da se obratim drugima za podršku, a upoznala sam i mnoštvo dinamičnih ljudi. I na suptilne načine, njena smrt me naučila da budem skromnija u vezi života.
Smrt je čudna stvar. Iako se događa stalno, može vas iznenaditi. Biti čovjek znači u potpunosti shvatiti kako reagirate i nosite se sa smrću. Ne biti svladan njome, ne biti opsjednut njome. Ali ne dopustiti da vam izmakne predaleko da izgubite neposrednost ove stvarnosti. Jer upravo u gubitku nečega s čime se tako blisko poistovjećujemo možemo početi pronalaziti sebe.
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17 PAST RESPONSES
I came close to losing my husband a year ago. He has struggled and suffered tremendously this last year and now I see he is slowly getting ready to pass on. I've been learning what grief is, when life takes from you, that which you experience as a foundation is gone. Everything you relate to, formed by the relationship molding your your experience is transformed. Change is the one thing we can learn to embrace and are certain to face, as we proceed down the path of life. Finding who we are as individuals woven into the threads of the fabric of life, ever intertwined. Knowing that what we have shared with those close to us, never ceases to influence and in some instances becomes more pronounced, when a person is no longer in direct contact physical contact with us. The tracks of the aura left by that person seem to comfort and remind us how we've been shaped by our experiences with them.
I appreciate you sharing such a personal story, in such a mature way. It is all about perspective and thank you for your wisdom.
amazing... I have lost a loved one recently but I hVE TO ACCEPT IT..(
THANK YOU FOR SHARING ...
Thank you Thao for sharing your life and for me to learn my lessons . My father and father in law passed away 21 years ago within a month of each other and till today there is an emptiness within me . They were good human beings and I keep remembering and implementing in my life the values and examples they set forth in their lives . Blessings to you .
Thao-- you have no idea what it meant for me to read your story today. Yesterday I asked my mother (whom I also lost when I was 12) to send me a sign about a really tough relationship decision I have recently made. Was it the right one? Could she somehow let me know that I had done the right thing? And, to my disbelief, 6 hours later, your words appeared in my inbox. Through you, she has reminded me of that critically important aspect of life that we often lose touch of: perspective. When you can cope with losing the most important person in your life, you learn that life will go on and to take nothing for granted--especially yourself. So thank you for being the messenger through whom my mother could reach me today. All the best to you.
Thao Phi, The last words you spoke, in the recording of your story, were "thank you for listening". Well I'd like to say "thank you for sharing!" Please continue "talking" (writing) . . . we WILL glad-fully listen to you as your mother now does from heaven. Though physically not present, spiritually, your mom is more present than she has ever been before. You are a strong young lady! Much love to you!
Mothers unconditional love never dies, Life andDeaths are two side of the same coin,spiritualy death is to physical body not soul.we just change clothes.one of my 92 yearfriend use to say every morning with cup of coffee - I hope you live always and I never die.life is creation of lord,we are all his children so our true self is also eternal always love navin
As a parent I can say that if I had to go in a car accident like your mom did, it would mean a lot to me that the last act I did was show my willingness to be flexible for the girl I adore the most. Knowing that you survived and found the power to keep living is that much more valuable. Make the most of your life, find your way and experience it to it's fullest and her dreams will continue to come true. If I had one wish it would be for my children to have that.
We
bereaved are not alone. We belong to the largest company in all the world--the
company of those who have known suffering - Helen Keller
We
bereaved are not alone. We belong to the largest company in all the world--the
company of those who have known suffering - Helen Keller –
A person dies but a relationship never dies.
That is the beauty of death.
Bless you, Thao.
At 16 I performed CPR on my mom in the middle of the night, and although she never regained consciousness she remained alive three more days - long enough for the rest of the family to say their good-byes.
You have captured the feeling of the finality of death very well here. That helpless feeling of not being able to go back, and the final acceptance that it is, what it is.
It is hard to go through the big milestones of life without a mother. I married, had two children (buried my dad, two brothers and a sister along the way too), and at age 50 I still wonder. . . who was she? Who would she be as an older woman? What were her dreams? What would she say about my choices in life?
I don't think about her as much as I used to, but did today reading your story. I like your reminder to "not ... let it slip too far away that you lose the immediacy of this
[Hide Full Comment]reality. Because it's in losing something that we so closely identify
with that we can begin to find ourselves."
Thanks for sharing this Thao. You describe your experience of loss so poignantly. I've posted your final words on my Facebook page, Joyful Mourning. Check it out. http://facebook.com/joyfulm...
sorry, and thank you, i understand completely, Ive loss so many pple, im almost alone, and it does make you realize whats important and whats not. theres one thing I checked on was 150 000 pple die every day, so if you are going through it know your your not alone, there is 149 999 other pple feeling the same as you. :)
My closest encounter with death was in 2011, July when i lost my dearly adored wife. We had been married for 7 years. I had never been so deeply devastated in my entire life. My central purpose for existence had been shifted, and shifted forever. Since then, i have learned to appreciate the gift of life more than ever before, but most importantly, i am constantly happy that i once shared my life with the most beautiful and sweetest soul on earth.
My mother was killed when I was 15, and I can so relate to this writer. I am 71 now, and I still think of my mother every day. I believe that experience has enlarged my life in so many ways I can still hardly imagine. We will all experience it, but an early death changes everything forever.
I am not scared of death, but have a feeling that it must be the most peaceful passage from earthly dwelling to the unknown. Feel like experiencing it