<!-- Left Side - Logo, Author, Details --> <div class="story-meta-left"> <div class="story-logo"> <a href="https://www.dailygood.org"> <img alt="DailyGood" src="https://www.karunanews.org/pics/90x90.jpg"> </a> </div> <div class="story-meta-info"> <div class="story-author">By <a href="/author?name=OnBeing">OnBeing</a></div> <div class="story-details"> <span class="story-date">Feb 11, 2019</span> <span class="story-read-time">10 min read</span> </div> <div class="story-source">Source: <a href="https://onbeing.org/programs/pauline-boss-the-myth-of-closure-dec2018/" target="_blank">onbeing.org</a></div> </div> </div> <!-- Right Side - Utility Buttons and Share --> <div class="story-meta-right"> <!-- Utility Buttons (Listen, Translate) --> <div class="utility-buttons"> <div class="dropdown"> <button class="utility-btn translate-btn dropdown-toggle py-1" type="button" id="translationDropdown" data-bs-toggle="dropdown" aria-expanded="false"> <i class="fa fa-language me-2" 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perm_post"> ono što te sada zaokuplja, zapravo je - fraza koju koristiš je "mit o zatvaranju". Zapravo, ne znam kada je ta riječ ubačena u naš vokabular - možda ti možeš o tome govoriti - ali ta nas je riječ odvela na krivi put.</p><p> Gđa. Boss: Vjerujem u to. Mislim da je "zatvaranje" savršeno dobra riječ za nekretnine i poslovne dogovore, pa ne želim demonizirati riječ "zatvaranje". Ali "zatvaranje" je užasna riječ u ljudskim odnosima. Nakon što se vežete za nekoga, volite ga, brinete se za njega - kada ga izgubite, i dalje vam je stalo do njega. To je drugačije. To je drugačija dimenzija. Ali ne možete to samo isključiti. I pogledamo okolo niz ulicu od mene - postoji tajlandski restoran gdje svaki dan u izlogu stoji tanjur svježe hrane za njihove pretke. Jesu li patološki? Ne. To je kulturni način sjećanja na svoje pretke. Nekako smo u našem društvu odlučili da kada netko umre, morate zatvoriti vrata. Ali sada znamo da ljudi žive s tugom. Ne moraju to preboljeti. Sasvim je u redu. Ne govorim o opsesiji, već samo o sjećanju.</p><p> Gđa. Tippett: Želim pročitati nešto što ste napisali u <em>The Guardianu</em> . Mislim da je povod za to možda bio tsunami ili potres u Japanu.</p><p> Gđa. Šefica: Mislim da je to malezijski zrakoplov.</p><p> Gđa. Tippett: Da, malezijska aviokompanija. Ali pisali ste o nekim stvarima koje ste naučili 11. rujna. Napisali ste: „Godinu dana kasnije, njujorški novinar koji je radio priču o godišnjici 11. rujna pitao me zašto mislim da Njujorčani to još nisu preboljeli. Moj odgovor: 'Zato što pokušavate preboljeti.' Paradoksalno, kako T. S. Eliot sugerira, ono što ne znamo o nestaloj voljenoj osobi postaje sve što znamo. Drugi pjesnik, John Keats, u svojim pismima mladom pjesniku preporučuje da razvije sposobnost života s neodgovorenim pitanjima. Keats to naziva 'negativnom sposobnošću', i to je ono što je potrebno za život s nestalim voljenima. Ovo je ujedno i način da i mi ostali prestanemo vršiti pritisak na ove obitelji da pronađu smještaj.“</p><p> Gđa. Boss: Da. Samo moramo prestati vršiti pritisak na ljude da to prebole. Zapravo je okrutno to činiti. Kritizirala sam medije zbog njihove čežnje za zatvaranjem. Vole riječ "zatvaranje". Ali moram reći da je jednom, slušajući CNN, Anderson Cooper zaustavio druge novinare i rekao da je to ružna riječ. Ne postoji nešto poput zatvaranja. Jednostavno sam ga voljela zbog toga. Znam iz njegove vlastite biografije da zna što je gubitak i razumije da nema zatvaranja. On je jedini novinar kojeg sam ikada čula da to objašnjava u svom poslu. I mislim da i mi ostali moramo bolje to raditi. Ne postoji nešto poput zatvaranja. Moramo živjeti s gubitkom, jasnim ili dvosmislenim. I to je u redu. I u redu je vidjeti ljude koji pate i jednostavno reći nešto jednostavno. "Jako mi je žao." Zaista ne morate reći više od toga.</p><p> [ <em>glazba: “To Be Buried and Discovered Again” od The End of the Ocean</em> ]</p><p> Gđa. Tippett: Ja sam Krista Tippett, a ovo je <em>emisija On Being</em> . Danas je sa mnom stručnjakinja za dvosmislene gubitke i obiteljska terapeutkinja Pauline Boss.</p><p> Gđa. Tippett: Postoji neko mjesto - želim to potražiti u svojim bilješkama. Evo ga: Kada gubitak ostane dvosmislen, „jedini prozor za promjenu“ leži u „percepcijama“. A ljudske percepcije su stvarne u svojim posljedicama.</p><p> Gđa. Šefica: Da. Kada imate dvosmislen gubitak, možda bilo kakav stres ili događaj, način na koji osoba ili obitelj u cjelini to doživljavaju uvelike varira, čak i u jednom susjedstvu, ali definitivno diljem svijeta, među kulturama. Dakle, da bismo znali kako pomoći tim obiteljima, prvo moramo shvatiti kako oni to doživljavaju. Opet se vraćamo na značenje, zapravo. Što ovo znači vama?</p><p> Zapravo, to je prvo pitanje koje postavljam: „Što ovo vama znači?“ Jer dok ne znam što ovo njima znači, nemam pojma kako intervenirati. Ako kažem: „Što ovo vama znači?“ Možda će reći: „To je Božja kazna“ ili „To je kazna moje voljene osobe. On me uvijek proganja“ ili nešto slično. Tada znam njihovo gledište i mogu tako nastaviti. Ili će možda reći: „Uvijek ne uspijem u svemu. To ovo znači.“ Tada znate da tako nastavljate. Ili bi osoba mogla reći: „Ovo je još jedan izazov i mislim da ga mogu riješiti.“ Ovo je drugo značenje. Bilo je kao priča o budilici koju sam ispričao. Percepcija je vrlo važna i otvara prozor za to kako biste nastavili prema otpornosti i snazi.</p><p> Gđa. Tippett: Nisam vas našla da o tome iscrpno pišete, ali spominjete da ste prošli kroz razvod. Bili ste razvedeni od oca svoje djece i taj razvod je dvosmislen gubitak. To ovo stvarno spušta na zemlju jer je to iskustvo koje je tako uobičajeno. I moram reći, razumijem, ali također nekako želim da mi objasnite kako je to dvosmislen gubitak.</p><p> Gđa. Šefica: Pa, očito, nije tako dramatično kao katastrofe o kojima govorimo, ali je svakim danom sve češće. To jest, ostavljate nekoga, izgubili ste nekoga do potvrde o razvodu, ali ta osoba je još uvijek ovdje. Dakle, ovdje je, ali nije ovdje. Prisutna je i odsutna u isto vrijeme. To je posebno istinito kada zajedno odgajate djecu. Dakle, razvod je vrsta ljudskog odnosa koji je prekinut, ali ne i nestao.</p><p> Kad sam studirao na Sveučilištu u Wisconsinu, ovaj psihijatar s kojim sam studirao, Carl Whitaker, rekao nam je: „Ne postoji nešto poput razvoda. Nikada se ne možete razvesti.“ U to vrijeme, bili smo bijesni na njega što je to rekao. Ali, zapravo, to je točno. Nakon što ste se vezali, ne možete je potpuno prekinuti. To je dio vašeg bića. To je dio onoga što jeste. Kao što kažem, ako zajednički odgajate djecu, i dalje fizički komunicirate. To je neuredno. To je stalno izlaženje. I to je dvosmislenost razvoda. Tako je.</p><p> Gđa. Tippett: I to je tuga. To je gubitak, zar ne? Čak i ako to želite i ako je to prava stvar i sve to.</p><p> Gđa. Šefica: Tu je još uvijek tuga.</p><p> Gđa. Tippett: Ono što me pogodilo dok sam razmišljala o ovome, razmišljajući o intervjuu s vama, jest da je ovo možda još jedno od onih područja gdje bismo mogli biti ljubazniji, gdje bismo mogli biti bolji. Jer mislim da kada pričamo o razvodu ili kada saznamo da se netko razvodi, nisam sigurna da se prema tome odnosimo kao prema gubitku ili da priznajemo tu tugu u prostoriji.</p><p> Gđa. Šefica: Ponekad pogriješim kad kažem da mi je žao. A oni kažu: „Nemojte se ispričati.“ Ovdje radije koristim rečenicu: „Što vam to znači?“ kako bi vam mogli dati naznaku o tome gdje se nalaze s razvodom. Neki ljudi danas jednostavno kažu: „Pa, oboje smo dobro i jednostavno smo odlučili krenuti svatko svojim putem.“ A onda netko drugi može reći: „Shrvan sam.“ Dakle, mislim da je pitanje: „Što vam ovo znači?“ način da se dobije naznaka. A zatim i da se zna kako dalje postupiti nakon toga.</p><p> Gđa. Tippett: Ovo se na neki način nadovezuje na nešto što ste rekli prije nekog vremena, da ne postoji nešto poput zatvaranja, da kada imate gubitak ili tugu, to na neki način ostaje dio vas i da je to normalno. A evo i drugog načina na koji ste to rekli, da „čuvanje preminulih voljenih u vašem srcu i umu, poput neke vrste psihološke obitelji, može biti bogato značenjem i ne bi se trebalo označavati kao patologija.“ Ovaj esej o mitu o zatvaranju, problemu sa zatvaranjem, napisali ste s kolegicom. Je li i ona bila psihijatrica? Psihologinja?</p><p> Gđa. Boss: Ne. Donna Carnes. Ona je pjesnikinja koja živi u Madisonu u Wisconsinu.</p><p> Gđa. Tippett: U redu. Dakle, to ima smisla. Jer njezina poezija - priča njezinu priču. Imala je vrlo klasičan slučaj dvosmislenog gubitka.</p><p> Gđa. Boss: Da. Jim Gray bio je računalni znanstvenik, dobitnik Turingove nagrade, poznati mentor mnogim ljudima na zapadnoj obali u tehnološkoj areni. Jedne nedjelje je isplovio iz zaljeva San Francisca i od tada ga nitko nije vidio. Surađivala sam s obitelji i, zapravo, s Microsoftom kako bismo imali počast umjesto spomen-obilježja.</p><p> Jimova Grayeva supruga zove se Donna Carnes i sada se vratila u Wisconsin, koji je bio izvorni dom njezine obitelji. Mislim da je napisala neke divne pjesme o svom nestalom mužu. Tako se nosi s tim.</p><p> Gđa. Tippett: Pitala sam se biste li pročitali ovaj, mislim da je bio posljednji u tom članku. Imam ga ovdje, "Walk On", koji mi se činio - uhvatio je način da se to učini o čemu govorite - da se živi s dvosmislenošću, i da tuga bude dio vas, i da gubitak bude gubitak, i da život ima smisao.</p><p> Gđa. Boss: Donna Carnes je napisala "Walk On".</p><p> „Hodaš dalje / Još uvijek pokraj mene, / Oči zasjenjene sumrakom; / Ti si / Pitanje koje se krije u neizvjesnosti / Na kraju svakog dana. / Moram se smijati / Kako / Otvorena ostaješ— / Još uvijek sa mnom / Nakon svih ovih godina / Izgubljenosti. / Nosim te kao / Svoj osobni / Vremenski stroj, / Dok stavljam ruž za usne, osmijehujem se, / I krećem na / Zabavu.“</p><p> Gđa. Tippett: Da. Znate, Pauline, čak i na početku, mislim, knjige <em>Dvosmislen</em> <em>gubitak</em> , koja je bila vaša prva knjiga, govorite o srodstvu između pjesnika i terapeuta. Možete li reći nešto o tome? To mi je bilo jako intrigantno.</p><p> Gđa. Šefica: Da. Gdje je to sada bilo? Mislim da to moram pročitati.</p><p> Gđa. Tippett: Možda je to bilo u ovome, „Mit o zatvaranju“.</p><p> Gđa. Boss: Mislim da je ovdje. I vjerujem u ovo: „Znanstvena otkrića ne događaju se metodom ili magijom, već otvorenošću za otkrića slušanjem vlastitih emocija i reagiranjem na intuiciju. Poput pjesnika, istraživač, kao i terapeut, treba sposobnost zamišljanja što bi istina mogla biti. Svaki je testira, ali na drugačiji način. Pjesnik izgovara dvostih, terapeut isprobava strategiju, a istraživač testira hipoteze. Teoretičar, međutim, mora biti svjestan sve tri stvari.“</p><p> Gđa. Tippett: Da. „Poput pjesnika, istraživač i terapeut moraju biti sposobni zamisliti kakva bi istina mogla biti.“ Je li to ono što ste rekli?</p><p> Gđa. Boss: Da. Moramo zamisliti što bi istina mogla biti. Znam da uz pomoć statistike i strogih znanstvenih metodologija kažemo da je to istina ili aproksimacija istine. Ali mislim da također moramo postaviti pravo istraživačko pitanje. A mnogo puta to nismo radili. Tu dolaze do izražaja intuicija i mašta.</p><p> Gđa. Tippett: Tako je. U formulaciji pravog pitanja, što je ujedno i dobra vrlina za život.</p><p> Gđa. Šefica: Dobra vrlina za život, jest. Pa, ovo sam naučila: da mi je još uvijek teško, s obzirom na moje američko, protestantsko, švicarsko-američko podrijetlo, nositi se s dvosmislenošću. [ <em>smijeh</em> ] Smatram da svakodnevno moram učiti koliko je to stresno i svakodnevno me podsjećaju koliko je to stresno. I moram naučiti kako se snaći usred toga. Ne pretpostavljam da će to ikada završiti, ali i dalje sam znatiželjna. Da, jako. Ne volim koristiti riječ "prihvaćanje", ali mislim da možemo pokušati biti zadovoljni onim što ne možemo riješiti.</p><p> [ <em>glazba: “Nešto kao nostalgija” od braće Abbasi</em> ]</p><p> Gđa. Tippett: Pauline Boss je profesorica emeritus na Sveučilištu u Minnesoti. Njezine knjige uključuju <em>Gubitak, trauma i otpornost</em> ; <em>Voljeti nekoga tko ima demenciju</em> ; i <em>Dvosmislen gubitak</em> . Nedavno je pokrenula globalni online tečaj putem Sveučilišta u Minnesoti pod nazivom „Dvosmislen gubitak: njegovo značenje i primjena“. Možete ga pronaći na <a href="http://ambiguousloss.com/">web stranici ambiguousloss.com</a> .</p><p> Osoblje: <em>U emisiji On Being</em> su Chris Heagle, Lily Percy, Mariah Helgeson, Maia Tarrell, Marie Sambilay, Erinn Farrell, Laurén Dørdal, Tony Liu, Bethany Iverson, Erin Colasacco, Kristin Lin, Profit Idowu, Casper ter Kuile, Angie Thurston, Sue Phillips, Eddie Gonzalez, Lilian Vo, Lucas Johnson, Damon Lee, Suzette Burley, Katie Gordon, Zack Rose i Serri Graslie.</p><p> [ <em>glazba: “a division line” od The End of the Ocean</em> ]</p><p> Gđa. Tippett: Našu prekrasnu glazbenu temu osigurala je i skladala Zoë Keating. A posljednji glas koji čujete kako pjeva našu odjavnu špicu u svakoj emisiji je hip-hop umjetnica Lizzo.</p><p> <em>On Being</em> je nastao u American Public Media. Naši partneri u financiranju uključuju:</p><p> Zaklada obitelji George, u znak podrške projektu Civil Conversations.</p><p> Institut Fetzer pomaže u izgradnji duhovnog temelja za svijet pun ljubavi. Pronađite ih na <a href="http://fetzer.org/">fetzer.org</a> .</p><p> Zaklada Kalliopeia, koja radi na stvaranju budućnosti u kojoj univerzalne duhovne vrijednosti čine temelj načina na koji brinemo za naš zajednički dom.</p><p> Humanity United, promicanje ljudskog dostojanstva kod kuće i diljem svijeta. Saznajte više na <a href="http://humanityunited.org/">humanityunited.org</a> , dijelu Omidyar grupe.</p><p> Zaklada Henry Luce, u znak podrške projektu Reimagined Public Theology.</p><p> Zaklada Osprey — katalizator za osnažene, zdrave i ispunjene živote.</p><p> I Lilly Endowment, privatna obiteljska zaklada sa sjedištem u Indianapolisu posvećena interesima svojih osnivača u religiji, razvoju zajednice i obrazovanju.</p> </div> </div> <!-- Story Credits --> <!-- Original Story Link (if viewing lens) --> <!-- Inline Share Section --> <div class="inline-share-icons border-0 mt-0 pt-0"> <div class="d-flex align-items-center"> <span class="me-3 fw-semibold">Share this story:</span> <div> <a href="http://www.facebook.com/sharer.php?u=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.dailygood.org%2Fstory%2F2226%2Fpauline-boss-ambiguous-loss-and-the-myth-of-closure-onbeing%2F" target="_blank" class="share-icon" aria-label="Share on Facebook"> <i class="fab fa-facebook-f"></i> </a> <a 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This handles the // case where user logs in on another tab/site then returns here. document.addEventListener('visibilitychange', function() { if (document.visibilityState === 'visible') { var checkedAt = parseInt(localStorage.getItem('sso_not_logged_in_at') || '0'); if (checkedAt && (Date.now() - checkedAt >= VISIBILITY_MIN_AGE)) { console.log('SSO: Tab visible after 5+ min, clearing cache for fresh check'); localStorage.removeItem('sso_not_logged_in_at'); sessionStorage.removeItem('sso_last_attempt'); } } }); // Check if user just logged out - skip SSO check to prevent re-login loop if (document.cookie.indexOf('sso_logout=') !== -1) { console.log('SSO: Recent logout detected, skipping check'); // Clear the cookie now that we've respected it document.cookie = 'sso_logout=; expires=Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 UTC; path=/;'; // Also cache that we're not logged in (prevents check on next tab) localStorage.setItem('sso_not_logged_in_at', Date.now().toString()); return; } var urlParams = new URLSearchParams(window.location.search); var ssoToken = urlParams.get('sso_token'); // Handle returning from redirect-based flow with sso_token if (ssoToken) { console.log('SSO: Has sso_token from redirect flow, completing login'); sessionStorage.setItem('sso_last_attempt', Date.now().toString()); // Clear the "not logged in" cache since we're about to log in localStorage.removeItem('sso_not_logged_in_at'); // Clean the URL by removing sso_token parameter var cleanUrl = window.location.href.split('?')[0]; var params = new URLSearchParams(window.location.search); params.delete('sso_token'); params.delete('sso_checked'); var remainingParams = params.toString(); if (remainingParams) { cleanUrl += '?' + remainingParams; } // Redirect to local login endpoint with the token window.location.href = '/sso/login.php?token=' + encodeURIComponent(ssoToken) + '&return=' + encodeURIComponent(cleanUrl); return; } // If sso_checked flag is present, Pod confirmed we're not logged in there if (urlParams.get('sso_checked')) { console.log('SSO: sso_checked param present, user not logged in on Pod'); // Store in localStorage so ALL tabs know we're not logged in localStorage.setItem('sso_not_logged_in_at', Date.now().toString()); sessionStorage.setItem('sso_last_attempt', Date.now().toString()); // Clean sso_checked from URL so it doesn't appear in shared/copied links var params = new URLSearchParams(window.location.search); params.delete('sso_checked'); var clean = params.toString(); var cleanUrl = window.location.pathname + (clean ? '?' + clean : '') + window.location.hash; history.replaceState(null, '', cleanUrl); return; } // Check localStorage cache: are we already confirmed "not logged in"? var notLoggedInAt = parseInt(localStorage.getItem('sso_not_logged_in_at') || '0'); if (notLoggedInAt && (Date.now() - notLoggedInAt < NOT_LOGGED_IN_TTL)) { console.log('SSO: Cached not-logged-in (' + Math.round((NOT_LOGGED_IN_TTL - (Date.now() - notLoggedInAt))/60000) + ' min remaining), skipping'); return; } // Quick cooldown: Don't check too frequently within same tab (10 seconds) var lastAttempt = parseInt(sessionStorage.getItem('sso_last_attempt') || '0'); if (Date.now() - lastAttempt < QUICK_COOLDOWN) { console.log('SSO: Within quick cooldown, skipping check'); return; } // Prevent concurrent checks if (window.ssoChecking) { console.log('SSO: Already checking, skipping'); return; } window.ssoChecking = true; // Helper function to do redirect-based SSO check function doRedirectCheck() { console.log('SSO: Using redirect approach'); sessionStorage.setItem('sso_last_attempt', Date.now().toString()); var returnUrl = encodeURIComponent(window.location.href); window.location.href = 'https://pod.servicespace.org/sso/check.php?return=' + returnUrl; } // Check if we already tried fetch and it failed (use redirect instead) var fetchFailed = sessionStorage.getItem('sso_fetch_failed'); if (fetchFailed) { console.log('SSO: Fetch previously failed, using redirect approach'); sessionStorage.removeItem('sso_fetch_failed'); doRedirectCheck(); return; } console.log('SSO: Starting fetch to Pod status endpoint'); // Try fetch approach first (works when third-party cookies allowed) fetch('https://pod.servicespace.org/sso/status.php', { method: 'GET', credentials: 'include', mode: 'cors', cache: 'no-store' }) .then(function(response) { console.log('SSO: Got response', response.status); if (!response.ok) throw new Error('Network error: ' + response.status); return response.json(); }) .then(function(data) { console.log('SSO: Parsed data', data); sessionStorage.setItem('sso_last_attempt', Date.now().toString()); if (data.logged_in && data.token) { console.log('SSO: User logged in on Pod, redirecting to local login'); // Clear cached "not logged in" since user IS logged in localStorage.removeItem('sso_not_logged_in_at'); window.location.href = '/sso/login.php?token=' + encodeURIComponent(data.token) + '&return=' + encodeURIComponent(window.location.href); } else if (!data.logged_in && data.cookie_present === false) { // Third-party cookies are blocked! // Pod didn't receive any cookies, so it can't know if user is logged in // Try redirect fallback which uses first-party Pod cookie console.log('SSO: Cookies blocked (third-party), trying redirect fallback'); doRedirectCheck(); } else { console.log('SSO: Not logged in on Pod (confirmed with cookies present)'); // User genuinely not logged in on Pod - cache in localStorage localStorage.setItem('sso_not_logged_in_at', Date.now().toString()); window.ssoChecking = false; } }) .catch(function(error) { console.log('SSO: Fetch failed:', error.message); // Mark that fetch failed so we use redirect sessionStorage.setItem('sso_fetch_failed', '1'); sessionStorage.setItem('sso_last_attempt', Date.now().toString()); doRedirectCheck(); }); })(); </script> </body> </html>