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如何从失败中恢复过来

无论从哪个角度来看,被拒绝都是痛苦的。但这也是生活中无法回避的事实,我们应对失败和拒绝的能力,在很大程度上决定了我们最终的成功和幸福程度。

心理学家彼得·克雷默认为,幸福并非抑郁的反义词,韧性才是。想想你最钦佩的人——他们中的许多人并非一帆风顺,没有经历过任何负面事件或失败才取得今天的成就。他们中的大多数人之所以脱颖而出,是因为他们每次跌倒后都能迅速重新站起来,这一真理在无数关于毅力的励志名言中都有所体现(正如温斯顿·丘吉尔所说:“重要的是继续前进的勇气。”)。

那么,具有韧性的人与那些因每一次失败和挫折而变得意志消沉的人有何不同呢?

以下是韧性强的人的七个习惯——以及你可以提高自己应对挑战能力的方法。

他们能够充分体验到积极和消极的情绪。

培养韧性并非盲目乐观。据积极心理学作家芭芭拉·弗雷德里克森所说,有韧性的人不会只看到光明的一面,排斥负面情绪,而是允许自己体验在任何情况下感受到的一切,无论好坏。

弗雷德里克森告诉《体验生活》杂志:“有韧性的人不会掩盖负面情绪,而是让它们与其他感受并存。所以,当他们感到‘我为此感到难过’的同时,他们也倾向于想,‘但我对此心存感激’。”

他们抱持着务实的乐观态度。


台湾国立大学最近的一项研究发现,采取“现实乐观主义”的态度,将乐观主义者的积极心态与悲观主义者的批判性思维相结合,可以提高幸福感韧性。

“每当(务实的乐观主义者)面对问题、挑战或难题时,他们不会说‘我别无选择,这是我唯一能做的’,” 研究员索菲亚·周告诉LiveScience 。“他们会发挥创造力,他们会制定A计划、B计划和C计划。”

他们“拒绝被拒绝”。


创新组织创始人伊莱恩·邓顿在她关于此主题的 TED 演讲中表示,拒绝会削弱我们的自尊和自信,让我们在每一次挫折或失败中都更加沮丧,她还补充说,“拒绝也会偷走我们的快乐。”

但被拒绝是不可避免的,有效应对拒绝对于培养韧性至关重要。正如赫芬顿邮报博主亚历克斯·帕塔科斯所说,选择拒绝被拒绝可以确保“你不会成为自己想法的囚徒”。

帕塔科斯说: “重要的是要明白,每个人都处于不同的‘状态’,在某些情况下,无论你说什么或做什么,他们总是会拒绝你或你的想法。”他解释说,采取这种心态有助于你不把拒绝看作是针对你个人的。

他们建立了强大的支持体系。


当你遭遇重创时,拥有帮助你重新站起来的资源至关重要,这其中就包括可以依靠的人。 2007年的一项研究发现,社会支持确实可以增强人们应对压力的能力。

他们会注意到(并欣赏)那些微小而美好的事情。


弗雷德里克森认为,韧性强的人善于利用自身的“积极性比例”。这意味着他们能够注意到并欣赏生活中的点滴喜悦和小小胜利,从而避免感到“一切都糟透了”。她的研究表明,积极体验与消极体验的比例为三比一时,最有利于增强韧性,提升幸福感。

他们积极寻求成长和学习的机会。


具有韧性的人会寻求能够增强自立能力和个人决策能力的成长经历,这让他们有信心从失败中重新振作起来。

“随着能力感的增强,个人能够更好地在不熟悉或具有挑战性的情况下做出有效反应,并在面对失败和挑战时坚持不懈,”凯瑟琳·M·萨特克利夫和蒂莫西·J·沃格斯在《组织韧性》一书中写道。

那些掌握了韧性艺术的人明白,挫折和挑战可以成为我们最宝贵的学习机会。世界上一些最成功的人都曾被解雇,但他们利用这段经历更好地了解了自己。

“我曾在美国版《时尚芭莎》工作……后来被解雇了,”安娜·温图尔曾说过。“我建议你们都去被解雇,这是一次很好的学习经历。”

他们感激不尽。


感恩之心能够促进身心健康——那些心存感恩的人,可能比那些专注于烦恼和抱怨的人,拥有更好的身体健康和情绪。

“我被解雇的时候反而很感激,”曾是华尔街最有权势的女性高管之一的萨莉·克劳切克在《赫芬顿邮报》举办的女性大会“第三项指标:重新定义超越金钱和权力的成功”上解释说。 “我说,‘有多少人被解雇后还能登上《华尔街日报》的头版头条?’”

克劳切克表示,感恩之心不仅帮助她应对被解雇的困境,还帮助她以正确的视角看待生活中的日常压力。

“我该如何度过这一切?”克劳切克说,“我感激不尽。”

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Nancy Austin Sep 18, 2015

Agreed, this article is high in fluffy feel-good pap. It's the sort of thing that can be agreed to when a person is feeling pretty good, but if I were in the midst of a period of depression, I'd find most of this article useless, annoying and/or insulting.

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BurnWitchesBurn Aug 23, 2015
Article has some good stuff, but misses some points:1. Some "Depression" is a genetically-inherited (familial) brain imbalance issue. For that minority of people, telling them to Be Resilient is worse than useless, it's heartless.2. Other "Depression" is the result of childhood "faulty programming" -- either neglect or abuse by people who should never, ever have been parents. Most people don't just "cheer up" and walk away from 18 or so years or horrendous "training." They need years of emotional AND spiritual work, to unravel the ways in which THEIR brains were (yes physically) mis-formed by worse than bad treatment. Even "normally" incompetent parenting (50%?) can do this to some extent. So, JUST "being resilient" for this larger minority is only ONE Of several necessary ingredients.3. A third unnamed source of "Depression" is an actual, horrendous real-time loss (death of a beloved spouse, of a child, other Big Time loss). In this case the ONLY remedy for THAT kind of depre... [View Full Comment]
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Chaser Xaviour Jan 23, 2015
You are a dipshit. Just because your resilient, doesnt mean that your not depressed.Humans are very resilient & can survive with only water for up to 2 months, according to a study that was performed on tv, by filling the stomach with bread.Able to survive, within extreme conditions, however once the bodies core temperature reaches 40 degrees celcius, the body starts to shut down & organs begin to fail.If we lose 2 litres of blood, the body dies but if a wound is able to be mended fast enough with enough bandages to stop the flow of blood & no vital organs are punctured, then there is a good chance for survival.Some doctors refer to a persons recovery as a miracle because they generally say that it is unknown to science, how a persons body was able to heal, but it may be more closely related to not being aware of the extent of the damage & the individuals reaction to medicane but it also bring into question, cellular regeneration.All of these things are a matter of resi... [View Full Comment]
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Guest Jan 23, 2015
You are a dipshit. Just because your resilient, doesnt mean that your not depressed.Humans are very resilient & survive with only water for up to 2 months, according to a study that was performed on tv, by filling the stomach with bread.Able to survive, within extreme conditions, however once the bodies core temperature reaches 40 degrees celcius, the body starts to shut down & organs begin to fail.If we lose 2 litres of blood, the body dies but if a wound is able to be mended fast enough with enough bandages to stop the flow of blood & no vital organs are punctured, then there is a good chance for survival.Some doctors refer to a persons recovery as a miracle because they generally say that it is unknown to science, how a persons body was able to heal, but it may be more closely related to not being aware of the extent of the damage & the individuals reaction to medicane but it also bring into question, cellular regeneration.All of these things are a matter of resilien... [View Full Comment]
User avatar
Guest Jan 23, 2015
You are a dipshit. Just because your resilient, doesnt mean that your not depressed.Humans are very resilient & can survive with only water for up to 2 months, according to a study that was performed on tv, by filling the stomach with bread.Able to survive, within extreme conditions, however once the bodies core temperature reaches 40 degrees celcius, the body starts to shut down & organs begin to fail.If we lose 2 litres of blood, the body dies but if a wound is able to be mended fast enough with enough bandages to stop the flow of blood & no vital organs are punctured, then there is a good chance for survival.Some doctors refer to a persons recovery as a miracle because they generally say that it is unknown to science, how a persons body was able to heal, but it may be more closely related to not being aware of the extent of the damage & the individuals reaction to medicane but it also bring into question, cellular regeneration.All of these things are a matter of resi... [View Full Comment]
User avatar
Guest Jan 23, 2015
You are a dipshit. Just because your resilient, doesnt mean that your not depressed.Humans are very resilient & survive with only water for up to 2 months, according to a study that was performed on tv, by filling the stomach with bread.Able to survive, within extreme conditions, however once the bodies core temperature reaches 40 degrees celcius, the body starts to shut down & organs begin to fail.If we lose 2 litres of blood, the body dies but if a wound is able to be mended fast enough with enough bandages to stop the flow of blood & no vital organs are punctured, then there is a good chance for survival.Some doctors refer to a persons recovery as a miracle because they generally say that it is unknown to science, how a persons body was able to heal, but it may be more closely related to not being aware of the extent of the damage & the individuals reaction to medicane but it also bring into question, cellular regeneration.All of these things are a matter of resilien... [View Full Comment]
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cindhiya May 10, 2014

It's really inspiring!

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Kristin Pedemonti Jan 2, 2014

Agreed! I liked the realistically optimist description! that's me to a "T" :) Gratitude and enjoying the little things goes a long long way in helping one remain resilient. thanks for another uplifting article! YOU keep Me resilient! HUG