帮助、修复和服务代表了三种不同的人生观。当你帮助别人时，你看到的是生命的脆弱；当你修复别人时，你看到的是生命的破碎；当你服务别人时，你看到的是生命的完整。修复和帮助或许是自我意识的体现，而服务则是灵魂的体现。
服务建立在生命本质神圣的前提之上，生命是一个神圣的奥秘，其目的未知。当我们服务时，我们便明白自己属于生命，也属于这个目的。从服务的视角来看，我们彼此相连：所有的苦难都如同我的苦难，所有的喜悦都如同我的喜悦。服务的冲动自然而然地、必然地源于这种认知。
服务与帮助截然不同。帮助并非平等的关系。施助者可能认为他人比自己更弱小、更需要帮助，而人们往往能感受到这种不平等。帮助的危险在于，我们可能无意中从他人身上夺走的远比我们能给予的更多；我们可能会削弱他们的自尊、价值感、正直感，甚至完整性。
当我们帮助他人时，我们会意识到自身的力量。但当我们服务他人时，我们并非依靠力量，而是依靠我们自身，汲取我们所有的经历。我们的局限可以发挥作用；我们的伤痛可以发挥作用；甚至我们内心的黑暗也能发挥作用。我的痛苦是我慈悲的源泉；我的伤痕是我同理心的关键。
服务让我们意识到自身的完整性及其力量。我们内在的完整性服务于他人的完整性，也服务于生命的完整性。你内在的完整性与我内在的完整性相同。服务是一种平等的关系：我们的服务既能增强我们自身，也能增强他人。解决问题和帮助他人会消耗精力，久而久之我们可能会精疲力竭，但服务却能使我们焕然一新。当我们服务他人时，我们的工作本身就会使我们获得新生。在帮助他人的过程中，我们或许会找到满足感；在服务他人的过程中，我们会找到感恩之心。
急诊医生哈里讲述了他发现这一点的经历。一天晚上，他值班时，急诊室里一位即将分娩的妇女被送了进来。哈里检查后立刻意识到，产科医生来不及赶到，他必须亲自接生。哈里喜欢接生带来的技术挑战，他对此感到很满意。团队迅速行动起来，一位护士匆忙打开器械包，另外两位护士站在哈里两侧的手术台旁，用肩膀托着产妇的双腿，轻声安慰着她。婴儿几乎立刻就出生了。 
婴儿还依偎在母亲怀里，哈利便将她放在自己的左前臂上。他左手托着婴儿的后脑勺，右手拿起吸痰器，开始清理她口鼻中的黏液。突然，婴儿睁开了眼睛，直直地望着他。那一刻，哈利抛开了所有的训练，意识到了一件非常简单的事情：他是这个女婴见过的第一个人类。他感到自己仿佛感受到来自四面八方的人们的欢迎，泪水涌上眼眶。
哈里接生过数百名婴儿，他一直很享受快速决策和检验自身能力的刺激感。但他坦言，以前从未真正体会过自己工作的意义，也从未意识到自己的专业技能究竟服务于何人。在那顿悟的瞬间，他感到多年来的愤世嫉俗和疲惫感烟消云散，重新记起了当初选择这份工作的初衷。他所有的辛勤付出和个人牺牲，突然间都变得值得了。
他现在觉得，从某种意义上说，这是他接生的第一个婴儿。过去，他一直专注于自己的专业技能，评估并应对各种需求和危险。他曾多次以专家的身份出现在现场，但从未以一个普通人的身份经历过。他不禁思忖，自己究竟错过了多少与生命相连的时刻。他怀疑，这样的时刻肯定很多。
正如哈利所发现的，服务与修复截然不同。修复他人时，我们视他人为残缺，并用我们的专业知识来回应这种认知。修复者信赖自己的专业知识，却可能看不到他人身上的完整性，或不信任他们生命的完整性。而服务则不同，我们能看到并信任这种完整性。我们回应它，并与之合作。当我们看到他人身上的完整性时，我们会增强它。他们或许就能第一次亲眼看到自己的完整性。
一位曾对我影响至深的女士，或许并未意识到她对我的生活产生了多么深远的影响。事实上，我甚至不知道她的姓氏，而我确信她也早已忘记了我的姓氏。
二十九岁那年，由于克罗恩病，我的大部分肠道被手术切除，留下了回肠造口。一段肠管开口在我的腹部，一个设计巧妙的塑料装置覆盖着它，我需要每隔几天取下并更换一次。对于一个年轻女性来说，这并非易事，我当时完全不确定自己能否坚持下去。虽然手术让我重获活力，但这个装置以及身体的巨大变化却让我感到无比不同，仿佛永远被排除在女性魅力和优雅的世界之外。
一开始，在我自己无法更换造口装置之前，都是由被称为肠造口治疗师的专科护士帮我更换的。这些身穿白大褂的专家都是和我年龄相仿的女性。她们会走进我的病房，穿上围裙、戴上口罩和手套，然后帮我取下并重新装上造口装置。工作完成后，她们会脱掉所有防护服，然后仔细地洗手。这套繁琐的流程让我感到更加难以接受，也让我感到羞愧。
有一天，一位我素未谋面的女士来帮我做这件事。那天傍晚，她没有穿白大褂，而是穿着丝绸连衣裙，脚蹬高跟鞋，丝袜。她看起来像是要去赴约。她友好地告诉我她的名字，并问我是否需要更换回肠造口。我点点头，她便掀开我的被子，拿出一个新的造口装置，用一种极其自然流畅的方式取下旧的，换上新的，而且没有戴手套。我记得我当时看着她的手。她接触我之前仔细地洗过手。她的手柔软、轻柔，保养得非常好。她涂着淡粉色的指甲油，戴着精致的金戒指。
起初，我对这种打破职业程序的做法感到震惊。但她笑着和我轻松地交谈，我突然感到一股意想不到的力量从内心深处涌起，我毫不怀疑自己能做到。我能找到办法。一切都会好起来的。 
我怀疑她是否真正明白，她如此自然地触碰我，对我意味着什么。短短十分钟，她不仅照料了我的身体，也治愈了我的伤口。最专业的做法，未必总是最能服务他人、增强他人完整性的。修复和帮助会在人与人之间制造距离，带来差异感。我们无法在疏离中服务。我们只能服务于与我们有着深刻联结的事物，服务于我们愿意触碰的事物。修复和帮助是修复生命的策略。我们服务生命，并非因为它破碎，而是因为它神圣。
服务他人需要我们明白，人性的力量远胜于专业知识。在与慢性疾病抗争的四十五年里，我曾得到过许多人的帮助，也曾被许多人“治愈”，但他们却未能真正理解我的完整性。所有这些“治愈”和“帮助”都让我在一些重要而根本的方面受到了伤害。唯有服务他人才能真正疗愈。
服务并非力量或专长的体现；服务是一种神秘、臣服和敬畏的体验。助人者和解决问题者往往感到自己只是偶然存在。服务者或许会不时感受到自己被某种更宏大的未知力量所利用。那些服务他人的人，用一种掌控感换取了对神秘的体验，并在此过程中将他们的工作和生活都转化为一种实践。
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verb
1.
make it easier for (someone) to do something by offering one's services or resources.
"they helped her with domestic chores"
This seems a very useful distinction. However, I think that perhaps there are times when pure 'helping' is needed -- additional energy required to move things in the direction they need to go. In that sense, helping can be a useful and humble thing to do -- accepting things as they are and adding one's effort or energy to move things in the needed direction. On the other hand, I think that trying to 'fix', is always problematic. For example, I sometimes have a tendency to try to 'fix' situations that seem to be lacking recognition of what I consider important wisdom related to the situation. The 'fixer' thinks that they 'know best,' -- an egotistical attitude that tends to attract resistance. At present, I am praying for my stepson and wife whose marriage seems to be disintegrating. I am also praying for a grand daughter who has become alienated from her
[Hide Full Comment]father, who is in the process of a painful divorce. I find myself wishing that they could see things in the 'enlightened' way that I see them. This definitely will not work. I need to emphahse and accept their attitudes and feelings as they are. Nor am I very clear on how I can 'serve' in such circumstances??
This simple article has just shifted my entire being! For years in my role as a Counselor I "fixed and helped" more often than I'd like to admit...although numerous times I had come from a place of serving...the institutions for which I was employed actually demanded that we come from a place of helping and/or fixing! So I ended up opening my own private practice and just now I see where at times I was in the role of the fixer and helper and that diminished my energy and burned me out...ever since, I've yearned to do similar work and have created an online blog for which I teach folks about meditation techniques and finding their passion in life. I honestly feel that without really knowing it I had made the decision to "serve" rather than fix or help! Through reading your post I've now realized this and am relieved as I feel for once in my life I am finally living within my genuine self and serving to the best of my ability! So I Thank-you from the bottom of my heart and soul for clarifying this for me today! I am going to share this with my circle if you don't mind!
[Hide Full Comment]The two poignant anecdotes convey the mystery of two souls touching. But in the case of the woman helping change the ileostomy, can we be certain that her mindset was serving and not helping or even fixing? My point is that the motivation and intention of the 'helper' is only one of several factors influencing the nature of an interaction. Some of the previous 'helpers' that were found wanting may have genuinely intended to serve, yet for reason of some lack (could be empathy, awareness, expertise, or a number of others) failed to give rise to the 'connection' that is so delightful and healing. Likewise, failure to make such connections can be attributed to the one receiving help or service.
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What a revelation... and so true! I am deeply moved and humbled by your article. For a long time I "fixed" and "helped" one of my children who struggled with life. I thought this was my duty as a "good" and loving mother - to see that she had a good life. I couldn't understand why nothing I did made her feel better or changed her outlook and self-esteem for the better. I see now that my actions were having just the opposite effect on her. Your article has inspired me.
wow, powerful truths....as ususal they make me cry like a baby. Wonderful- thank you so much!
Dr. Remen has clearly defined the true and beautiful meaning of what it really means to serve!! Absolutely amazing! I actually never really paid attention to the meaning of helping, fixing and serving. I knew what they meant but not in the way she explains and sheds light on it.
Dr. Remen, I thank you from the place in my heart which is deeper than one can imagine. You have really changed my view of serving the mankind. Now, I really know what it is to REALLY serve someone.
I will serve now instead of helping people as I have been doing in the past.
I send you lots of light and love,
Seychel
Thank you for saying this truth in a manner that it 'reached' home.
"Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, 'You owe me'
For the Sun, and the Moon, no one is a stranger!"
I have been by my busbands side for the last five months as his healing continues to unfold. This article has helped me gain perspective in the care the medical world has presented and the support those around us have given, along with my own relationship to his healing. There is a difference when acts of kindness and support are woven intricately with spirit.
Wow