本文最初发表于 2019 年 1 月 12 日的《纽约时报》周日评论版。
当我告诉朋友们我正在写一本关于我们这类老年女性的书时，她们立刻抗议道：“我才不老呢。”她们的意思是，她们的行为举止和感受都不符合人们对同龄女性的刻板印象。在她们看来，“老”就意味着专横跋扈、无用、不快乐、碍事。我们国家对老年女性的看法如此有害，以至于几乎没有人，无论年龄多大，会承认自己老了。
在美国，年龄歧视对女性的影响远大于衰老本身。我们的身体和性魅力被贬低，我们常被婆媳笑话所嘲讽，我们在媒体上也几乎隐形。然而，我认识的大多数女性都认为自己正处于充满活力和幸福的人生阶段。我们坚韧不拔，懂得如何在逆境中茁壮成长。我们的幸福源于自我认知、情商和对他人的同理心。
我们大多数人并不怀念男性的凝视。它带来的是吹口哨、骚扰和不必要的关注。相反，我们终于摆脱了对自身外貌的过度担忧。自从十岁以来，我们第一次可以如此自在地展现自我。我们可以穿瑜伽紧身裤而不是尼龙丝袜，穿牛仔裤而不是职业套装。
然而，在这个发展阶段，我们面临着巨大的挑战。我们不太可能长期摆脱巨大的悲痛。我们都会经历苦难，但并非所有人都能成长。那些成长的人，是通过发展道德想象力，并扩展我们承受痛苦和幸福的能力来实现的。事实上，正是这种在喜悦与绝望之间摇摆不定的状态，使得老年成为精神和情感成长的催化剂。
到了七十岁，我们已经有几十年的时间培养韧性。我们中的许多人都明白，幸福是一种技能，也是一种选择。我们不需要看星座运势来预知一天的走向。我们知道如何创造美好的一天。
我们学会了每天寻找幽默、爱和美好。我们培养了欣赏生活的能力。感恩不是一种美德，而是一种生存技能，我们越是经历苦难，感恩的能力就越强。正因如此，最不富裕的人，而非最富有的人，反而最能懂得欣赏哪怕最微小的馈赠。
许多女性在学会如何让一切运转起来的过程中茁壮成长。是的，一切。当我们走出朋友的葬礼时，空气中弥漫着木柴燃烧的香气，舌尖仿佛还能尝到雪花的味道。
我们的幸福源于态度和意图。态度并非一切，但几乎决定一切。我曾拜访过爵士乐巨匠简·贾维斯，那时她年老体衰，住在狭小的公寓里，窗户正对着砖墙。我问她是否幸福，她回答说：“我拥有幸福所需的一切，它们就在我的脑海里。”
我们或许无法掌控一切，但我们拥有选择权。只要心怀目标，专注当下，我们总能找到前进的方向。我们终会发现我们所寻觅的。如果我们探寻宇宙中爱的迹象，我们终将找到它。如果我们追求美，它会在我们渴望的任何时刻涌入我们的生活。如果我们寻找值得欣赏的事物，我们会发现它们比比皆是。
老年生活有一种奇妙的平衡。随着失去的越来越多，我们反而发现更多值得爱和珍惜的东西。我们经常能感受到幸福。正如一位朋友所说：“年轻的时候，我需要性爱的极致快感或者攀登到山顶才能体验到幸福。现在，我看着花园小径上的毛毛虫就能感受到幸福。”
年长的女性懂得合理期望的重要性。我们知道，并非所有愿望都能实现，世界并非围绕取悦我们而运转，他人，尤其是我们的孩子，也不会等着我们发表意见和评判。我们明白，人生的喜怒哀乐如同海水中的盐和水般交织在一起。我们不奢求完美，甚至不奢求摆脱痛苦。一本好书、一块自制馅饼或朋友的一通电话就能让我们感到快乐。正如我住在奥扎克山区的格蕾丝阿姨所说：“我能得到我想要的，但我知道自己想要什么。”
我们可以对自己更友善，也更诚实、更真实。我们取悦他人的一面会变得沉默寡言，而我们真实的自我则会更加响亮、更加频繁地表达出来。我们无需再向自己和他人假装我们没有需求。我们可以对任何我们不想做的事情说“不”。我们可以倾听内心的声音，并做出对自己最有利的选择。我们会减少焦虑，更加满足；不再那么执着于追求，而是更能享受当下，体验生活中所有美好的可能性。
我们许多人都有一群挚友和长期伴侣，如同安全港湾。五十年的友谊和婚姻有一种难以言喻的甜蜜。我们了解彼此的脆弱、缺点和优点；我们经历过激烈的争吵，却依然感激彼此相伴。一句话、一个眼神，都蕴含着丰富的意义。幸运的女性拥有一个庞大的女性朋友网络。这些朋友就像我们情感健康的保险。
生活中唯一不变的就是变化。但如果我们不断增长智慧和同理心，就能放眼长远。我们见证了国家七十年的历史变迁，从杜鲁门到特朗普。我认识我的曾祖母，如果我足够长寿，还能见到我的曾孙。我将认识七代家族成员。我明白自己在苏格兰-爱尔兰裔祖先的漫长血脉中扮演着怎样的角色。我今天能够活着，全赖于数千代坚韧不拔的智人繁衍后代，养育子孙。我们所有人都来自坚韧不拔的血脉，否则我们就不会存在。
到了七十岁，我们每个人的人生中经历的悲欢离合都远超预期。如果我们足够明智，就会明白自己不过是生命这条浩瀚河流中的一滴水，能够活着本身就是一个奇迹，也是一种莫大的恩赐。
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Who is this Bonnie telling people to unsubscribe? I love reading these comments. I am a 57 year old who is struggling with what to do with my life and where I am going. Knowing that others are in their happy place gives me hope. Denise Gillen and Osel lhamo give me hope that there is a good future in store. Osel, your words are almost lyrical. I loved reading them. To Bonnie, stop trying to silence people. None have been offensive or off- topic.
boils down to friends and attitude
At the ripe 'old age' of 66, I quit my job, moved my son's family into my house in Southern California and moved to Costa Rica to volunteer at a wildlife rehab facility. One and a half years later, I'm still here, knowing that I'm living my life to the fullest extent and making a difference in the world as well. I plan to continue this work for many more years. I encourage everyone to keep going and definitely live your passion!
I have reached the ripe age of 87. I am happily married to my best friend Joe, and we both wake up every morning with a smile on our face.We are both active and are avid readers. I feel sorry for anyone who doesn't have this, but I know a happy life does not depend entirely on having a partner. I was happy before I met Joe 12 years ago. As one of the people quoted in the author's book said, "you have everything you need between your ears."
Yes, but we also have a huge population of older orphan formerly free female caregivers who do not have the same level of care and advocacy they gave to others...orphan elder female former caregivers die fast in ursing homes for lack of visitors and advocates...We counted on "if I help you then you will help me when I need it....." It works less and less. We didn't start chosen family faster enough because we thought the families we were caring for would help us as needed later. Many of us were born too soon and stayed too poor for all these vast choices we are al sopposed to have now....We either lived too long or we were born too late...
Thanks for sending this.
How can I stay in the discussion?
Mary Pipher, a beautiful piece of writing. so good to read today
I became teary as I read this beautiful article. It described me to a t! I don't feel old, although 69 is no spring chicken. I have enthusiasm about so many things and ideas. It is too late to find a best friend I can unload on. (moved too many times) but I don't know, maybe today I will bump into her somewhere. Thank you for this wonderful start to my day. xxx
Love reading this. I started writing at 60 and decided in my book series to make an older woman's invisibility into a power. My books are about older women.
i stoppped counting the years when i turned fifty
in spanish its a joke SIN-CUENTAS!
and i started to celebrate my dreams while i am alive
particularly recommendable is yoga troniks!
AIKICHIDO Y OMETEOYOGA are my sources of eternal renewable youth
which is health which is wealth which is wisdom!
A beautiful and well written piece dripping with sage wisdom and sweet, unfettered joy. Thank you Mary for inspiring this 27 year old. I look forward to the richness life will bring.
'There is an amazing calculus in old age. As much is taken away, we find more to love and appreciate. We experience bliss on a regular basis. As one friend said: “When I was young I needed sexual ecstasy or a hike to the top of a mountain to experience bliss. Now I can feel it when I look at a caterpillar on my garden path.” That's funny - I have always found bliss in nature - caterpillars or trees- regardless of my age..
IT is not just in USA !! IT is quite global and it is very much present in Urban populations in India..Ageism takes different shapes.. From employment scene to social, people even within the same gender tend to discriminate.
It's too bad the short bio at the end of the article didn't mention her latest book, Women Rowing North, since it is all about women growing older. For this Boomer woman with only 3 years to go until I reach 70, the book was comforting and encouraging.
Excellent, thank you! Would love to read more.
Mary - thank you for this wonderful tribute to women of age. I'm 68 and relate to your outlook quite well. Yes, we tend to be more comfortable with who we are and what we want. Friendships are very important. Acting on your own behalf is the basis of well-being.