Pat: So that brings me to how you sought out community. The Modern Widows Club, can you talk about that?
Jennifer: I really, I prayed for friendship. Because in moving back up to Minnesota full time I really didn't know many people. My husband and I hadn't been married very long. A woman came to inspect my work on the house, because I said I was rebuilding it. She invited me to her church. I made a commitment that if somebody asked me to do something, I would do it. I went and the pastor said, “There's a woman in our congregation named Lynn. She runs a community called Modern Widows Club. Are you interested in connecting?” I said, “Yes.” The moment I walked into her door at her house, I knew I was in the right place. There's just something about being around people who have gone through a similar experience. You don't really have to even talk about it. You just know, you just understand. And it's okay to cry. It's okay to laugh. I think the first night I spent more time in the bathroom crying because I didn't want anybody to see me. But it's just such a wonderful, supportive community. We all need that community, that connection. It really opened up a lot of doors for me.
They are international now, and they do quite a bit to advocate for widows, not only here in the US, but around the world. And June 23rd is actually International Widows Day. So they'll be honoring that day next week.
Pat: So you're active in the Modern Widows Club now?
Jennifer: Yes, I served as a leader for five years with them. I recently stepped back with some of my duties so that I could focus on some other projects that I have been working on for quite some time.
Pat: So, I'd like to segue in a little bit of a different direction. I'd like to talk about your brother Howard. And it was really moving when we had talked on the phone. You said that you called your brother Howard, “One of my greatest teachers after the fire.” Who was Howard? Tell us about him. Why was he your greatest teacher?
Jennifer: My big brother Howard was about a year and a half older than me and he was born with Down’s syndrome. I always had a playmate growing up. He just had a special way of looking at the world. Some people say people with Down’s syndrome have special needs. Our family felt he had special gifts. I called him my interdimensional DJ. He loved music! He'd play his radio while he's watching TV. I remember this one time, I was in my mom's kitchen. I was in my early 20s. And I was bemoaning the fact that, “I don't have any money.” Cue the interdimensional DJ, and he starts playing, “Take this job and shove it. I ain't working here no more.” I'm like, yeah, exactly. I should shove my job. So he just had this wisdom about him and this cleverness. The night of the fire, I retreated to my mom's house, and I was laying on the sofa and kind of going in and out of these crazy dreams. At one point, he turned from his TV show, and he looked at me and said, “Are you going to rebuild? I said, “Do you think I should rebuild?” He said, “Yeah, you do that.” And he went back to watching TV. So I feel it's more than just rebuilding the church, it’s about rebuilding my life. I would come back to visit Mom. I remember this other time I came back and he was at work and he got home and I was out in the garden. He saw me and he said, “You're home!” And then he said, “My dear sister.” There was so much love in those words and on his face. Today would have been his 55th birthday. He came to be a teacher for my family, I believe.
Pat: And what happened to Howard?
Jennifer: He passed away in November of 2020. He had gotten COVID, and that was really, really tough because they would not let any of our family members be in the room with him. As a disabled person with cognitive disabilities, he couldn't communicate like you and I can. So we just kept praying and doing what we could to see him. Finally, as someone suggested, we asked about hospice care. Then they released him right away. We got him back home for the last 12 hours or so. It was like he rallied when he was home. Our brother Stan walked in and right away he stuck out his hand to shake his hand. He saw my mom and she was sitting by his bed, and he patted her head like he always did after dinner. It was so sweet. One of the things Howard was so good at was speaking blessings. He loved to go to church and he would sing his heart out with whatever lyrics came to mind. He didn't really read much and one day I was just like, I got to pay attention to what he's singing. He was singing, “God bless pop and cookies, God bless work on Monday, God bless Mom!” What would happen if we all went throughout our day blessing everything around us and everyone? What a difference that would make.
Pat: Oh yes! It seems that Howard was a teacher for all of you in so many ways. Oh! You know you're no stranger to grief, the loss of your dad, your husband, your brother, and yet you said, “There are many gifts that can be found in grief if you're open to receiving them.” Whoa Jennifer! Can you say more about that?
Jennifer: Well I think one of the biggest gifts that I got was finding myself. Like you said earlier it's like you're looking for yourself when you go through an experience like this, and I did become this observer and-- I got in the habit of taking selfies when I cry. It was just like, who is this woman? Who is she? I kept crying all the time. I had to really learn to love myself. You know, it says in scripture, people call it the golden rule, love God with all your heart and love your neighbor as yourself. We don't really talk much about that loving yourself part. That really has to come first before you love your neighbor. Because when you love yourself, you have so much more love to give your neighbor and you can see the beauty in your neighbor more easy when you love yourself. I remember this one day, it was about 10 months after the fire and my friend, Maureen came to visit, and she got up before me and she did all my dishes. The windows were open. It smelled like lemons in the kitchen, and she was singing, and I walked out and I started crying because I was so touched by her actions. Then I started saying, “I'm such a loser. I can't get my dishes done, I can't get my paperwork done.” And she said, “Hey don't talk about my friend like that.” That stopped me in my tracks because I wouldn't call her a loser, why was I calling myself a loser? So we really have to be a friend to ourselves and love ourselves.
Pat: And you said something that mirrors that sentiment. I mean it really hit me in our conversation You said, “Really sit with and honor that grief.” And that was a big thing for me because I was like I shouldn't be crying every day. I should have everything done and it's like,” No no no no. Take your time sit on the sofa. Eat all the potato chips you want. You have to honor the grief and work through it.” And in working through it probably the most essential thing is the loving voice we use to talk to ourselves. And your friend. Bless her heart I mean to say that to you, “Don't talk to my friend like that!” It makes me wonder how many times we talk like that to ourselves in that critical voice and if we heard somebody talking to somebody like how we talk to ourselves in that voice we probably would butt in like your friend did and say, “Wait a minute don’t talk to my friend like that!”
So maybe that is honoring your grief-- honoring and loving that tender soul inside of you.
Jennifer: Yeah, and just being gentle with yourself and it's okay to grieve. It's okay to let it out It's okay to stop and sit. When you sit and you're still, that’s when you start to notice the little pieces of beauty around you. I spent numerous hours down by the water, throwing the ball for my dogs, over and over and over. They took such joy in just swimming and catching the ball. I started to see just how beautiful it was to see the clouds reflected on the water, and the sunlight the way it would sparkle, especially in April when there's no leaves on the trees. You could see the lake and it was so gorgeous and then you start to hear the birds. But you have to be still. If you're constantly filling up your time, trying to fill that void, you miss it. So it's so important to just be still.
Pat: It sounds like you’re saying you can't outrun grief. I know if I'm working on something that's really uncomfortable or painful sometimes I want to throw myself into more work and get into a frenetic pace if I'm doing all these things I don't allow myself to stop and feel what is going on and what you're saying, especially someone who's newly grieving, “It's okay to grieve as long as you need to.” But that stillness I mean you're holding it up like a beautiful jewel--that stillness is something so beautiful. It's okay to hold it and to enter. It's okay.
Jennifer: You'd be surprised what you learn about yourself when you do hold it up and look at it. When you can say—sometimes you have to say, “What does this remind me of?” And then you start going backwards. It's like -- remember when you used to go to the circus and the clowns would start pulling the scarf out of their sleeves? It's like that. You start pulling it back and you go-- Oh, oh, this is tied to it, and this is tied to it, this is tied to it, and then finally you realize it’s tied to your heart. There may be something way, way back that that grief reminds you of. You can now take this as an opportunity to heal and to get at that deep, deep grief. I know with my father it was March 7th, 40 years after his death and I sat at my desk and I watched the lake melt that day. I saw the lake and I realized that the lake the ice melted on the edges and first and then it went to the middle of the lake and I realized that was like my grief. I had to take care of all the grief from the fire, from Blake, from the church, from the loss of my future and then I got to what was really deep down with losing my father
Pat: Yeah, as you've put one foot in front of the other in your life, what are the things that bring you joy?
Jennifer: I love people. I love being around people and helping other people. That brings me joy. I love being in the flower garden, getting my hands in the soil. Nature really inspires me. My pets bring me joy. My dogs and my cats, they teach me how to play. Music, art, just being creative really brings me joy. And being with my family.
Pat: Yeah, sounds like it. As we wind down, I was thinking of Rumi. He had many things about grief. He said:
“Your grief for what you’ve lost holds a mirror up
To where you are bravely working.
Expecting the worst you look, and instead
Here is the joyful face you’ve been wanting to see.”
Jennifer: That’s beautiful
Pat: Jennifer that’s you! You are the joyful face. That’s why I wanted you to come on today to share your insights and your journey. One expression I love using but man does it fit you to a tee! Iron will, tender heart.
Jennifer: Thank you. This was an honor.
***
Join a special workshop this Saturday with Jennifer Bichanich, "Refined By Fire: The Five Keys to B.L.I.S.S After Tragic Loss." More details and RSVP info here.
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As a Narrative Therapy Practitioner who also facilitates art Therapy with the metaphors and physical practice of putting pieces back together, your conversation deeply connected. Thank you!